I am a person with many faults... 

I broke down... 
I feel so drained... 
So tired of everything...
I don't feel like living anymore....  Just kill me.

Mum

She wanted to pay for her own dinner today. But I managed to step in and paid for her instead..  The girl then delivered the food and went away...  She stopped the girl wanting to get her change...  She forgot that I had paid for her already.... 

I am being paranoid..  Is her memory getting worse? I think so..... 

I dunno if I should....

Today. Woke up at 8 plus. Ate breakfast and left house for jb at about 9 plus. Dad had mahjong at 230 and wanted me to be back at or before that time.
Dunno why I was angry at hearing that.
I felt restricted. I already seldom go out. And when I go out, I have to come back by a certain time because of Kemp.

I said angrily. Kemp Is already grown up and he can take care of himself. I am already doing good by coming back to give him his dinner injection. If he is so worried about him then don't go play mahjong.

Quite fed up.

Anyway I went jb. Didn't manage to buy any clothes. Just bought the discs Walked around had lunch and reached home at about 4 plus.
Maybe it's pms. I get fed up easily...  Mood swings... 

Today. Sleepy and tired and headache... Yesterday had a dream and I still could rem it clearly after I woke up.
Unexpected guest. My house. Different.

Went IMM for dinner. Sleepy and my headache started. Got home. And my mum start to nag again. Sometimes really admire her. Got lots of things to nag about and lots of energy to nag.

Everyone's good. Except that I am feeling tired. And I have a super long weekend to look forward to. On leave on Monday and Tuesday is a public holiday..  I can rest and rest...

Tomorrow I am going JB alone. To buy more Hong Kong dramas for my dad to watch.. Then got to rush back in the afternoon Co's Kemp is alone at home.

Then I can have a good rest after that.... 

Job job job and more jobs.... 

Today. Thought that I will be alone at lunch.. But in the end I had lunch with Elmo although she was on half day..  Drank milk in the morning made my stomach churn in the morning..  And to make it worse I drank bubble milk tea after lunch..  And so it was churning like hell thereafter..

Today is a happy day. Everyone's fine happy and healthy..  I am grateful for today. Thank you.

Today. I was feeling sleepy the whole day. Wanted to leave office at 6 sharp. But my boss needed help last minute and so I helped her and left at about 7 plus.

My mum's feeling better. Kemp reading today was pretty good. But nowadays I can't control his morning readings.. And he will control his afternoon and evening readings himself.. 

Sometimes I get really tired of my mum's nagging.. But when she's sick and sitting down quietly in a corner, I feel so upset and uncomfortable...  Anyway she's better today.. 
Overall today is good. Because everybody's happy. Except for my kneecap pain.. But it's okay..  It's a good day as long as they are happy and healthy... 

Today. I was feeling sleepy the whole day. Wanted to leave office at 6 sharp. But my boss needed help last minute and so I helped her and left at about 7 plus.

My mum's feeling better. Kemp reading today was pretty good. But nowadays I can't control his morning readings.. And he will control his afternoon and evening readings himself.. 

Sometimes I get really tired of my mum's nagging.. But when she's sick and sitting down quietly in a corner, I feel so upset and uncomfortable...  Anyway she's better today.. 
Overall today is good. Because everybody's happy. Except for my kneecap pain.. But it's okay..  It's a good day as long as they are happy and healthy... 

Yesterday was good. Although I had pain in my kneecap, but was happy to reach home and see that my mum was slightly better after seeing the doctor in the morning.

Really didn't like the news I knew today in the office...  Maybe I am prejudice..  Oh well..

Exercise plan succeeded today!
Long time no cycling... 

Saturday is over soon...  Haven't been sleeping well recently..  And maybe I need to get medicine from Louise.. 

Today all 4 of us went to see Louise..  Dad had his acupuncture..  All of them got their medicine...  I hope all works well... 

Even Louise laughs and says to me ... 
你两个父母都很不听话。。

I guess she is the only one who can understand my pressure and stress and my tiredness... 

Tired......

Feels so tired and pissed off suddenly....  Why is it that I am trying all my best to take care of them but yet they are not taking good care of themselves?

Screaming and scolding... And that's my life.

I am tired...  Seriously feels like giving up and don't want to care...

It's only when I don't care then only I can be happier... 

Feels out in the conversation..  The things that are my priority now seems different from them...  Anyway that's the kind of life that I chose...

It's been a long long time.......

Finally it's Friday again...  Weekends! Sleep and relax time!

Anxiety

Now I know why my dad went sleep early yesterday...  Not because he is not feeling well...  But because he felt sick and tired of Kemp and Mum quarrelling again and again....  

Haiz.... 

Came home for dinner.  Dad was having a headache and he went sleep early....  Hope he is having headache because he didn't have enough sleep on the weekends...  Hope it's nothing serious...  

Prays hard....  

Maybe my parents would be happiest seeing me find a partner...  

My plan to get dad to go for a walk after dinner failed....  Sad. 

How to get him to exercise...? 

好担心。。。

I am somehow very worried and stressed..  

Worried for my Dad... Upon hearing news of my uncle contracting cancer... And he is 3rd in the family... 

Brain is thinking too much..

Difficulty falling asleep these days..  

:-(

Very bad headache..  till my face is pale.. till I am breaking out in cold sweat...  till I have no choice but to swallow panadol... 

Go away please....  

Woke up Early in the morning.. to 扫墓。

Slept at 1 plus.. Not enough sleep...  -_-||

So where does one go when one leaves this world? 

I always tremble at this thought... Maybe reluctant now because everyone is still here... 

My uncle... Think contracted cancer. 

I had 2 uncles who died of cancer...

I hope this will be the end.

Prays hard.... 

Pain pain pain

My kneecap's hurting again...

Haiz... Please go away soon.... 

I am gonna sign my S&P agreement tomorrow... Abit nervous about it... 

:-/

Should I go for the asking of my name, whether it needs to be changed? But I am afraid.... Afraid that it may be like fortune telling... But maybe I shouldn't be... Cannot make up my mind....

Getting stressed over the new flat.. Will resale prices drop when I need to sell my flat? Will I be able to cope with all the expenses? Will my plan of leaving aside that sum of money from the sales proceeds of the flat for the retirement of my parents work?

Seriously not sure......
I am hesitant again.... I need to think it through before next Monday.....

Please give me the strength I need.....

Today was a rainy afternoon... And I slept my way through... Went to 扫幕 this morning... My public holiday.

我是一个有负担的人。。
I am begining to resent my responsibilities....

I hear Mum coughing again... She has already seen Louise and gotten her medicine..... Please.. Please... Get well soon.....

I know he hates me and have alot of questions for me.. But seriously I have no answers to all his questions.... I have hurt him once and again and again and again... I really have no courage to face him again.. I will hate myself if I hurt him one more time. Please forgive me for ignoring him....

Maybe... Given more time... Hopefully we will be friends again...

Kemp's quarterly doctor appointment today. His average reading not bad but it may be due to the frequent lows before bedtime. And so as usual, "lecture" or talk with the nurse, then conclusion plus another round of talk with the doctor... But today got another extra of talk with the dietician. Made me so tired at the end of it... Sigh.

Then I sent my mum and Kemp back in a cab.. And I went for retail therapy.. At Bugis and Toa Payoh then for my hair treatment.. Tired now... Happy that I got new clothes to wear next week... But then again, not that happy afterall.

我想。。可是又不想。。也不敢。

Mum's down with cough.... Again.
Worried every time she coughs...

Decided to let Dad go for acupuncture at least once a month....

***
My eldest uncle seems to be sick too... Was hospitalised but refused to go for further checks... And hence discharged.
Maybe he is afraid of doctor checks... Just like me. Refuse to face reality....

Was reminded that... I had 2 uncles who died of cancer.
Wondering how my Dad feels....

***
Finally received my S&P agreement.. Will be signing the agreement on Monday with the lawyers.

Mum wants to move.. She wants new surroundings.

Dad wants to have the sum of money when he sells the house.. He says the money can be saved for rainy days..

And so.. We have decided to shift house.

Shutting my doors...

Tired