I will quit Tom yam soup

I had diarrhoea for 3 straight days this week, all around the same time... If it happened a 4th time today, I am sure something is haunting me......

I am a selfish person

During these time, I finally dared to admit that I am a real selfish person... All those I expected of him is all those things that I didn't like and didn't want to force myself to do.

His thinking was : If I loved him, I would have given in to him and made sacrifice for him.

At that time. I stopped and thought. Did I really not love him?

Now I know the answer. It's not because I don't love him. It's because I love myself more and most.

I guess even if there is any guys appearing in my life in future, I am gonna expect the same things because the answer is I love myself most.

Have been hearing a lot of stories recently.. About wives complaining About husbands, About girlfriend's boyfriend...

Suddenly it dawned on me that he was really a nice and accommodating guy.... All those complains I heard would never come from me if I was still with him.

Actually I only wanted him to give me more time.. But yes, he misinterpreted my answers again, took it that I rejected him.. And as usual, I didn't bother to explain...

I finally plucked up my courage, emailed him again, asked him to give me more time. Then I disappeared. During this time, I thought real carefully. I wanted to go back with a sense of sureness.. I thought of it everyday...

But he misinterpreted again. He thought that email wasn't meant for him. He thought I was playing a fool by disappearing....

Super busy

Been really busy and stressed at work.. And I wonder who understands...

It's been 10 days since I blogged.. How I held back myself..

不 blog 的原因是害怕他误会。。可是结果他还是误会了我。

First Try...

Lucky...

Lucky that I checked the doors... The door isn't locked... And they went sleep....

I decided.... But I hesitated again....

Surrounded by China people.... I am feeling quite fed up....

I still feel tired after waking up at 9 today. But I slept at 12 yesterday... It's gonna be eating and slacking... But only a short getaway.

Anyway still not considered a break... As it is still with them.....

Wanted to watch tv till late.. But I guess I am sleeping anytime soon... Super tired... Really tired... I don't even need my sleeping pills tonight .....

事情，总往坏的方面想是不好的。
人，总记得他的坏也是不好的。

我一直只记得我们有多不了解对方，而忘了我们也有聊不完的时候。。。。。

He saw me at the traffic junction near my house. Called me. SMS me thereafter.

I didn't pick up and didn't reply....

I can finally have a short break...
I am so damn tired...

Bad Day

1 whole day. Busy. But only with 1 thing. 1Customer. 1 issue. 919 Giro payments. Still unresolved by end of today. Feels so tired.

I have taken on more cases. I have taken on 1 more project. Everyday I am doing 1 project account case. Busy Busy and busy.

把自己累坏了。可是晚上却睡不着。我好累啊。把自己弄累了是不是就不会想这么多？不见得。。。

I am trying very hard......

Pessimistic Person

Pessimistic Person

Understanding...

I often asked Kemp how does feeling sugar level low feels.. I think I experienced that today.

Didn't go out for lunch today. I got them to help me buy subway. They came back at 2. I had my lunch at 2 plus. Didn't finish sandwich too. Went for meeting at 3 plus. When the meeting ended at 5, I felt terrible. Head was aching. Felt dizzy, nausea.. Felt quite terrible. I sat on the chair couldn't concentrate on anything... Then I saw the untouched Coke. I drank that...

I felt better thereafter... I guess I was having low sugar level at that time.....

I finally understand how Kemp feels....

Time

30 岁单身的女生

She has a good job.

She earns money, spends on herself.

She dresses up to work.

She can afford whatever food cravings She has.

****
Whatever food cravings She has, She has to eat it alone as she is not able to find companions.

She spends money on useless stuff just to 发泄自己的寂寞。

She is afraid of being asked the question.. When are you getting married?

She feels especially lonely during festivals.

****

Even if she wants to find a companion, 她也是有心没力 也害怕过程，tired of the dating process.

****
" 我可能不会爱你"
Speaks up her mind....

Am I in a position to ask for someone to love me when I can't give the other person as much attention as he need?

As much as I hope to get someone's understanding.. But things don't work out the way I hope... Maybe that's "Life is not a bed of roses ".

Crying sometimes is Co's we are upset. Nowadays I cry is Co's I am feeling helpless...... Over many things.

Feeling helpless and drained makes me want to give up my life. Feeling not understood by the person I hope to understand me just makes it worse and more adamant on giving up everything.

I will stop and I tell myself... Tomorrow will be a better day......

I only wanted to say how I feel.........
But I am being interpreted in a totally different way.......
The feeling is back again.........

I think I will give up on seeking people's understanding of me ............

一个人的我很累了。
不被了解的我更累。。外加难过。。

Can a person give selflessly? I don't think so. Like myself, I guess one will feel drained after always giving for some time.

I think I will no longer go into a relationship.

The thought of having to give and give in a new relationship makes me tired. Only the thought of it makes me tired already.
But can I expect the person to only give and give me without receiving? No... So conclusion is... I will be alone.

Had lunch with the younger CSOs. Maybe I didn't sleep well yesterday, felt a bit tired didn't really talk much. So felt a bit left out. Or am I getting old? Lol... Can't mix with the younger people..

Went for my hair treatment. Had dinner at toa payoh. Then went to buy a new VCD player Co's the old one At home broke down.

The young girl who does hair treatment for me wants to go Bangkok. Asked me to go with her.. Not sure if I wan go.. May seem as though I am familiar with the place but in actual fact I may not be as smart to bring someone along...

I am not that street smart and in fact a very blur person.. Getting more blur these days.

Actually I want to go travelling. But no courage to go alone. And lack of travel partners. Even if I wan a break from my family it will be hard....

Mum acupuncture today. I messaged Louise yesterday asked her to take a look at my mum. She's been complaining of back pain, upset stomach and feels tired easily.

I told the rest this morning that we need to be early. And so we rushed to leave the house before 8. I wanted to take the train back to Joo Koon so that mum can get a seat and she won't be tired standing.

I hope everything is fine.

Yesterday I finally did something that I haven't got the courage to do in ages...
Finally.

Reached home. Kemp's reading was quite high at 16.6. I was upset. Refused to talk to him. Scolded him for being high. He blamed mum for giving him food. I scolded mum as well.

Pissed. Actually it's more of feeling helpless. Despite my constant nagging and constant reminders to Kemp, he still can't control his food intake.

Am I expecting too much out of a 6 years old boy? I dunno... Feeling helpless..

No matter how much I do... It doesn't seem to help.

Busy day. But decided not to stay back for work. Want to go home and eat dinner with the rest. Long time since I ate hot home cooked food.

Today. Wanted to take half day medical leave.. Menses pain.. But felt a bit bad Co's Elmo is covering me so didn't take in the end.

But as usual the pain went away slowly.. Went to fetch Kemp from tuition after buying dinner.. Met dad. He complained to me about mum and Kemp. About mum scolding Kemp in the afternoon.. About mum feeling not well these days.. About her in a daze.. And blah...

I guess he is stressed and unhappy too.. Think the only thing that makes him happy now is Kemp...

Mum came back from her meeting.. She told me that she brought her spectacle box but not her spectacles... She sighed.. Is she feeling unhappy about being forgetful these days...? She seems unhappy and in a daze these days.... Sigh..

I am afraid... It will be another sleepless night...

Please.... I need sleep.

Labour Day

End of my super long weekend.
Going back to work tomorrow. Somehow I want to go back to work. It's the only thing now I can rely on. My only distraction, my only away -time from my family.

Finally finished my Korean drama today.

Seeing my mum these days in a daze makes me kinda upset.. I dunno what's on her mind.
I should be grateful for everyday.

I wanted to write something about the 2 stages of love.. But then I found it hard to summarize....

My blog is too wordy... Isn't it?
However I am not a talkative person... Weird...

伴 —— 黄小虎

如果　命運可以訂做
如果　有另一次選擇
我想我　還是會　把手讓你緊握
快樂地陪你去坎坷
就算　你有天變落魄
就算　你老得不能動
我想我　還是會　挽著你看日落
你的心疼在淚光中
嘴巴上　彼此嫌麻煩
眼神中　關懷那麼滿
沒說愛　卻早已認定一輩子的伴
在人前　從來不浪漫
在心中　卻總為對方打算
最懂的人最暖的伴
就算　我以後變囉嗦
就算　我老了有病痛
我想你　還是會　照顧我到最後
隱藏脆弱不眠不休
沒有辛酸　沒有遺憾
什麼是陪伴　什麼是心安　你是答案

又睡不着了。。
好多烦恼。。

Unexpected concern.  我欠他太多了。

***
My mum's back is aching..  Worried and at the same time feels tired of worrying..  No matter how much I try to make her healthier it seems no use...  Helpless.
I am out of ideas.