At home now.. Updating my diary... And will be doing some VC stuff later...

Yesterday on our way home, we were chatting... Talking about how we started off in VC, and the progress of VC until now...

What was said about myself is correct... Won't deny or try to find excuses for myself.... Yes, I have not been putting much effort into VC. I have been slacking alot... Be it for VC or at work.

I have been trying to find out what exactly makes me happy... Exactly doing what will make me happy? In the past, whether or not I like or dislike, it does not matter to me, as long as I am assigned to it, I will put in my best efforts....

Just like studying for my part time degree, I wanted to study psychology in the first place, but somehow, during the decision making process, I decided to study a business degree... And I started, and now I finished it.

Business degree was not something I planned out of my life.. It was not in my planning list at all. But where did I find that determination to finish it?

And now, where has my determination gone to? Do it and it will be over and done with......

Since when I have changed to the present kind of person? I do not like... I really do not like..

Many a times, I tried to pick myself up, tried telling myself "Get Up! Do it! Jia You!"

Feeling so stressed.. Alot of things that I have to learn for the new business idea.. Have to think of new ways to compete for VC..

Sometimes I wonder, do we have to make ourselves so stressed up? Life is so short, can't we just work and play only? Going to work every weekday, playing on weekends, isn't that good?

Okay, I know I sound demoralising now... But I really wonder at times... I am not ambitous I know it myself.. Even if I sounded ambitous at times or previously, I only want to make him jealous, make him regret dumping me, make him regret that he has lost someone much capable.

I know it is not any use now.... I know it is silly... But people do silly things at times right?

I did have a plan before.. When I was with him.. That is to change job once my bond is up, get married.. And have kids, just like what Yue liang's life is like.... Everything she does is for her family... Be it saving up or whatever things.. For her Le xuan, for her lawrence...

But now, I feel lost... Even a simple thing like changing jobs, I also dunno where to go to... Previously, I had decided to go to another bank, perhaps do priority banking, so that I still get a pay increment because I have banking experience.. But now, I keep asking, is banking the life for myself? Or do I want to switch to another industry? If yes, what kind of industry? Am I willing to accept a pay cut? Or rather, does my current expenses allow me to accept a pay cut? Sooo many things to consider... I don't just live for myself, I have to keep my parents in mind too when I am deciding such stuff....

Now, I am soo easily influenced.. Baking, psychology, hotel industry, sales, housing agents, priority banking.. Soo many people around me doing different things.... But I still dunno what exactly I want...

Yes, I am sitting here, waiting for things to happen, waiting for some inspiration.. Waiting for that light to brighten infront of me, telling me what to do... Then I don't have to think so much....

I know this shouldn't be the way... But I guess everyone's avoiding the things they don't wish to think over.. You have the right to avoid thinking about your love life, I also have the right to avoid thinking what I want in life bah.... We all know that avoidance isn't the way to solve things, but we still do it... Hahaha...

I really hope you can understand my situation... And why I am thinking of giving up instead of working harder to prove other people wrong....

we organise ktv at kbox clementi.. yeepei, kitty, lih ching, ie chen, wai siong, yongsheng, tehua, sijun and weiqi all attended... Jio last minute and yet all attended.. So happy that all could make it.. Hehehe...

I had lots of fun, how about u guys? Its been a long time since I had this kind of big groups outing.. Well, the last time was in july lar... Hahah... Our last secondary school gathering.... Hmm...

I really miss all the fun... But I don't know if anyone was left out lar.. Hehehe... Hope there wasn't...

I went out to pay for the bill first because I was the "common" person in that group lar... Then Weiqi saw me paying.... He wanted to pay.. But stupid lar, to make him pay when he didn't sing any songs.... Thereafter he went off, then he came back, called me and asked me to go out for awhile.... This man ah, he wanted to pass me cash.... Hahaha... Funny leh.... He thought I was going to pay for alll.. But I told him that I will collect from the rest of the people when the ktv ended.... Then I shooed him to go home....

Well, he's the one who told me that he will feel guilty to his gf if he dun have the time to accompany her.. He feels that it is very unfair to the girl if he only meet his gf when he is free and when he is not free, he wouldn't meet his gf.... As in "only when I am free to meet you, then I will meet you".... I was abit surprised to hear that.... YS did tell me before that he is one innocent guy, but I didn't believe him lar.. Cos he don't seem that innocent lor.... Anyway my first impression of him was not that good lar.... This reminded me of chris.. Cos he is that kind of man, only meet gf when he is free, expect his gf to understand and give way if he is busy working or meeting his friends... So, weiqi this kind of man still exists? I dunno lar.....

Slept at 3am plus.. But I don't know if I did sleep... Brain was still active lor..... Hahaa...

"The Life Path 7 suggests that you entered this plane with a gift for
investigation, analysis, and keen observation. You are a thinker of the first
order. You evaluate situations very quickly, and with amazing accuracy. As a
result, you are thorough and complete in your work, the perfectionist who
expects everyone else to meet a high standard of performance, too.

A Life Path 7 person is a peaceful and affectionate soul. But you guard your
connection to people carefully. It's easy for you to detect deception and
recognize insincere people, and you avoid them. You aren't one to have a wide
circle of friends, but once you accept someone as a friend, it's for life. It's
as if you must get to know someone a lot better before you allow the wall
surrounding you to be penetrated. Chances are you are a very charming and
refined individual with great poise and a quick wit. Nonetheless, there is an
exclusiveness about you. You probably aren't a very social person. Your reserve
is often taken to be aloofness, but actually, it's not that at all. It is merely
a cover up for your basic feeling of insecurity. There's no rush, It takes time
for you to warm up to new friends. Clubs and organizations hold little interest
for you; you are not a joiner.

You actually like being alone and away from the hustle and bustle of modern
life. In many ways, you would have fit in better in much earlier times when the
pace of life was less hectic. You need a good deal of quiet time to be with your
own inner thoughts and dreams. You dislike crowds, noise, distractions, and
confusion.

The overwhelming strength of the number 7 is reflected in the depth of thinking
that is shown; you will garner knowledge from practically every source that you
find. Intellectual, scientific, and studious, you don't accept a premise until
you have dissected the subject and arrived at your own independent conclusion.

This is a very spiritual number and it often denotes a sort of spiritual wisdom
that becomes apparent at a fairly early age. A built in inner guide providing a
strong sense of intuition may set you up as being a law unto yourself. Whatever
spiritual position you take, whether traditional or bizarre, you will cling to
it with fervor. Once you have decided an issue, it is almost impossible to get
you to revisit the question. Adaptability is not your style, and change for you
is a rarity.

You rely heavily on your experiences and your intuition, rather than accepting
advice from someone. Your hunches usually prove to be very accurate, and knowing
this, you follow the directions they seem to guide.

In the most negative use of the 7 energies, you can become very pessimistic,
lackadaisical, quarrelsome, and secretive. A Life Path 7 individual who is not
living life fully and gaining through experiences, is a hard person to live with
because of a serious lack of consideration for others. There is such a negative
attitude. Indeed, operating on the negative side of the 7 can produce a very
selfish and spoiled individual and living with one can be a challenge. This may
be why some 7s actually prefer living alone. If you have any of the negative
traits they are very difficult to get rid of because you tend to feel that the
world really does owe you a living or that in some way you are not being fairly
treated.

Fortunately, the negative 7 is not the typical 7, at least not without some
mitigating positive traits. This number is one that seems to have some major
shifts from highs to lows. Stability in feelings may be elusive for you. "

argh.. menses pain lar.... dying liao.... hate it..

and one more thing that i forgot to tell u all... ibs gets worse during menses.... sigh....

went toa payoh for dinner.... walked around....

bought a lantern for ah boy during lunch... very cute and super cheap.. $1.20 only.. hehehe... its an aeroplane... hehehe bought a sleveless shirt for him also.... thereafter, they say aunties must buy shoes for nephew or niece so that their teeth will grow and be nice and straight....

so me immediately went to shop for shoes for ah boy.... but shitto, couldnt find any during lunch....

in the end, i bought the shoes at toa payoh.... yeah... so ah boy, ur teeth will be nice and straight liao cos ah yi buy shoes for you liaos.. !! hehehe.....

then yongjin sms me asked me if want to go ktv.... i considered.. then i replied okay in the end...

so we went kbox at clementi with yj and his friend....

still okay lar.... still as crappy as before..... he said he had lots of fun.... me? tired lar.... plus menses pain.... argh... hahaha....

then we shared cab home.... he actually sent me home to my doorstep.... my god, think this is the first time lor.... hahahaha.... gentleman ah.. hahaha like real....

tell u something.... i din pay for the ktv and cab..... hahaha.... act blur all the way..... heheee..... maybe he sent me to my doorstep cos he wanted to get money from me..... hahahaha..... ho ho ho.... free ktv.... hehehehe....

ys said that he is obessed with overly protective of the ppl that he cares for.... keeps asking me these few days if i have eaten any prohibited stuff...

ok, i admit that yes, he is attentive and concerned about me.. but its too over already.. i am abit scared now... he is TOO attentive and TOO concerned.... sigh...

yj asked me if ys is the sort of guy that i will go for.... i told him that my heart is already dead... hahaa.... numb and no feelings at all... he say that ys makes a bad bf but good husband, that he is a bored person.... haiz....

why must he coment on him leh? of cos i rebuked yj lar... i mean, u like that comment on other ppl, u are no better off mah....

i think we no longer go for handsome guys lar, interesting guys lar.... we are no longer teenagers... maybe when we were young, we looked at appearance.. and if you were crappy and sounds funny, then we will most likely fall for you..

but now? whether or not handsome or ugly, i know it no longer matters... money matters, isn't it? if you are rich and have a stable job, u have no lack of girls.... ify you are boring but you are rich, you sure have no lack of girls too....

well... i dunno lar.... fate plays a big part also....

i admit that i feel touched by him.. i mean if not for him, i think i will be worse off now.. to be able to have someone by your side is really fortunate and good.. but the future or even tmr? i really dun dare to say lor...

went east coast with ah boy... but we didnt cycle.... wait till when ah boy is older la..... hahahah

went parkway parade thereafter.... walked around and we all went home....

me ate chilli crab at night...... woosh.. shiok man.... hehehe.....

went jurong pt to cut my hair... shorter now... though still long hair...

messy.. cos my hair goes back to its wavy and messy kind... not that straight liao.... but hack care lar..... hahaha...... i cannot do anything to my hair now.... scared liao..... hehehe..... wait till yvonne gives me the green light that i can rebond or perm or colour hair.... hahahaa.....

played mj with ys, ic and jiashun.. hmm.... when we got to the second round, ic wanted to stop cos he had lost all his capital... hmm..... me was stunned... but they were okay with stopping lar.... so we stopped the game.... and me slept at 1 plus....

met up with jimmy... at bugis.... he treated me to fish & co...

long time since i met him... chatted.. he is still as usual.. he is worse than me.. unable to forget his ex-gf till now.... one year plus liao.... sigh..

ys sms me.. but i wasn't free to meet him fri night.... so i told him i wasn't free.... and frankly told him that i know what he was going to tell me....

he commented that i was clever and asked me what should his next step be.... hahaa.... told him to keep it inside his heart... and if it disappears, its good for him..... if not... well, we never know what is going to happen in the future lor.... we'll see how then....

met yp and kit after jimmy... we went giraffe.... its opposite plaza sing...... nice place to chill and relax..... hahaha..... but i think i din talk much.... i dont know why.... but lately the mood has been down.... maybe pms.... maybe i am feeling lost now......

ys sms me, asked me if i free on fri night to meet him... that he got something to tell me..

well.. i guessed what he was going to say to me.. so i drilled him.. but he still refused to say, say that its better to say when we meet up..

i got fed up.. and told him that i dun wish to know liao.. so no need to tell me already...

fed up....

busy busy busy... busy at work... busy with VC.. busy with new business idea..

tired.. but actually i haven been doing much lar...

i keep thinking these days.... what makes me happy? what makes me happy?

does busy makes me happy? does playing mj makes me happy? does working hard and aiming for promotion makes me happy?

what makes me happy? i am not happy now.... i dunno what i am doing now.... its like blindly leading my life lor....

at work, i follow instructions and do my work... submit my stuff on time... that is still okay.....

for VC, i also follow instructions.... they are like thinking of ways to improve here, improve there.... but i am not.... I dunno if im simply not interested or simply lazy to go and think.... always feel tired, no matter how much i sleep.... dunno if plain lazy or health getting worse....

i wan to do something for VC.. really something..... but its like you xing mei li lor...... can't motivate myself.... dun have that "go go go.. jia you" determination anymore.... i used to have that for my studies... where has it gone to?

does making money makes me happy? sigh....

its meant to pass time.... meant to make me forget certain things.... but it is not working.... not working at all...

it gets worse every day... sigh....

i just want to be happy.... exactly what wil make me happy?

when i was with him, i thought of our future.... he wanted me to earn more money.. for his sake, i was willing to change job and get a higher pay once my bond ends...

now? i earn.. work so hard.. for who? myself?

yeah i know it sounds useless... but then.... i dunno lor....

maybe im just creating troubles for myself.... maybe.... maybe.... i also dunno....

if staring into the sky can give me an answer, im willing to do it.... what can i do to get an answer?

can you tell me what will make me happy?

played mj with boon, tehua and ys.... thereafter we went ktv at night, with wai siong, kitty, ys, boon and tehua.... hahahaa......

fun.... big group of ppl...... heheh happy happy..