Worried for Mum.. She's been coughing since last week.... Seen both chinese doctor and western doctor...

My acupuncturist says she cant get too fat, if not she runs risk of getting diabetes.. And yes, she is getting fatter... Oh ya, grandmum also got diabetes.. I guess it runs in the family... And so I asked her not to eat too much for fear of that... I wondered if it spoilt her mood..

And now she's sick.. De javu.. I remembered kemp was also sick for very long before he was diagnosed with diabetes... Im worried... I scared history might repeat itself... I am really worried.. I dont want anything bad for her... I rather I get all the bad things....

I am scared.

Went jogging in the afternoon despite being sick.. No mood for lunch... Might as well go jog...

I thought I'll feel hungry after the jog.... But no... No appetite for food...

Did felt like eating chocolates again... But I guess not... My throat already felt itchy after the chocolates yesterday... Better not worsen it, if not I'll haf to continue my medication again... I hate medicine, makes everyday a bad hair day...

Wonder if I'll haf appetite later... Dun feel like wasting my dad's efforts though...


I'm not worth it.

"This is the way I talk.. Even if I feel sorry, apologetic.. This is the way I talk.."
Dunno if he's trying to show attitude or what...

I am disapppointed.
I dun feel he sounds sorry, apologetic nor remorseful. And unexplanatory behaviour... I am not able to get any satisfied answers.. Able to blog, able to reply fb messages but just very busy to send me an email?


Really makes me wonder what kind of future I have with him....
That I'll be neglected when he's very busy with real work in future?
That I'll be all real alone in an unfamiliar country with no friends n family to turn to when he's busy and neglects me in future? If I really shifts over............?

If only..

"Jus finished my presentation. Will b going home now. Need sleep. How u? Still feeling sick? Didn't sleep much for the last few days. Right now in very bad shape. Wish car can drive itself. "

***

If only his "How u? Still feeling sick?" came earlier.... If only it came a few days earlier.

But now.. Looking at his email. I feel nothing.

He just feel guilty. Because we quarrelled yesterday and I said to him that he have not asked abt me.
Just out of guilt. And thats why he called me yesterday and emailed me just asking abt me.

No need to feel guilty.. I do not need any sympathy.
The fact that his concern for me din come naturally and it only came after I told him off simply shows 1 thing.



他不是真正关心我。

I finished a bar of chocolates.. Running the risk of having a bad cough, sore throat and losing my voice... But then I couldnt care more.... I desperately need to be happy... Desperately need place only for myself to be in.. Alone.

Suddenly I miss all the places that we went to.. The food, the roadside stalls, the shopping centres, the cinemas, the first class cinemas... And every little thing we have done..

I really miss being over there. But do I have a chance? Would I have a chance to be there? Provided I hang in there..
Just when I decided to hang on, decided that he is the one, somemore worth waiting for, he gives me a feeling that he is not really concerned abt me.

He is nice to me cos I've been nice to him. He needs a companion, needs someone to pat him on the back to encourage him, motivate him. And I am conveniently by his side.

These days, he've been busy, i've sick and down. Other than the few days whilst I was busy and I din answer his calls and I din call back.. Cos I wAs upset at the fact that he was working late.. Be it he working late or he working with his group members.. I was just unhappy.

Other than the few days... He din call me. Also din email me. He knew I was sick. Even knew I was busy covering Jes. Knew that I had the monthly pain. Knew alot but he just din ask abt me. His concern? The progress of his work. His lack of sleep. Fed up at the fact that I din pick up his calls. Fed up at the fact that I din call him. But without asking me why I din.... Everything was him and him.

I think I am not important to him at all.. I think he isn't really concerned abt me.. If he truly was, he would have asked abt me. If he couldnt get me on the phone, he could haf left me an emAil. But..

We haf quarrelled over this a million times over and over and over again.. And I am feeling super tired.

Feeling unloved, feeling neglected, feeling umimportant.. Feeling very unhappy.

I dunno how to continue thinking that he loves me alot.
If he is not really concerned abt me, then why still stay together?

"I have been trying very hard to get Miss XXX on the phone... I think getting the Prime Minister on the line is easier than getting your Miss XXX!!"

This is the complaint that I got from one of my customers last week... Not a direct customer but an indirect and sort of new customer....
He called the contact centre to complain abt me... And the contact centre emailed me and my boss... I guess my boss is gonna talk to me abt it soon....

=( This is the kind of things we get for trying to work so hard and trying our best to cover the work of 2 people...

***
Jes told me abt 1 remittance that is gonna take place on 30 Nov and for the currency, it must be done 2 days before, which is Friday.... She told me our backroom din do it on Friday and asked me if anybody called me on Friday.... Seriously I cant remember.. And sharks, that means the customer wont get their money on 30 Nov... And that means I am in deep trouble...

Really very scared now.... I dunno how's the progress.... Afraid to ask... Afraid to hear the bad news....

***
I can only blog... There is nobody to share my fears and troubles with... I can only blog.

"Sorry darling. woke up late. last nite finished working at abt 5am. so everyone slept at fren's place. When u called, I had to wake everyone up. So asked u to wait. Cos meeting another person at 8.30. But will be late.

Did I call u this morning to wake u up? I dun rmb. But thanx for calling, cos i'd nv make it if u hadn't."

我变的像一个月前的自己。。什么都不要，什么都不想。
很不开心。

没人爱，没人疼的自己。
没人真正关心我。。

We quarelled this morning.
He din even asked about me knowing I was sick...
He was only concerned abt his progress of work, abt me missing his calls and abt me not returning his calls...
Everything was about him....

Didnt even ask about me.

I am sick and tired of feeling like that... Feels so childish... And yet I super hate this feeling... Feels neglected, feels that nobody is really concerned about me... Everyone's just trying to get something out from me... Family, friends... Money, entertainment.... I am expected to entertain everyone of them...

=(

I am not an entertainer.

I'm feeling sick...
I'm upset....
I'm lonely....
I'm crying....

But where is he?

I feel neglected..............

"Silent" mode now....

I couldn't stand it.. I ate chocolates just now..
But it doesn't have the same effect as it used to be..

I feel down...

Feeling not needed...

I feel very down....
Not as capable as others... Not as accomplished as others.... Not as completed as others....

Unable to control myself, my health, my hair.... Feeling so incapable.... Useless me.

Why am I still on earth? Just another useless being taking up the oxygen on earth....

I miss the toasted bread with chunky peanut butter....

***

I want to eat chocolates.... I am unhappy... But I cant eat chocolates now..... Needs to be on diet and then I cant become heaty now...
No chocolates for me......

He's doing work.... With his friends.

Me? Also doing work... But alone.

Useless... He can't do work alone? Needs the help of his friends..? Needs his friends for motivation...?
Crap...

This week was hectic.. Covering jes for a week.. Monday I felt sick but was still okay. Tuesday I felt really sick and saw a doctor.. Gave me 1.5 days of MC.. Wed I felt better at home.. Thurs I had menses pain.. And my cold got abit worse in the office and I stayed late in the office... Ate my dinner at home at abt 10 plus..

Friday.. Finally the last day of the week... Finally I could get to rest without guilt... But I was still as busy...

Really a hectic week... I am super tired now...

And I missed all his calls to me from yesterday afternoon till today... And I din call him this morning cos I was still angry, still irritated.. I guess our conversation would turn out to be bad... So I din call him..

Anyway he doesnt need me... He only need his friends, people who are around him always... To help him do his work, to motivate him to finish his work....

He needs his friends for motivation to finish his work, to study for exams...
So be it.....

Me? Redundant..

Yup finally sick.. Couldnt tahan when I reached office.. Was freezing in the cold office... And my nose kept running... Couldnt stand it anymore.. Went to see Louise and she said my cold is damn bad and that I better go home and rest...

But I was covering Jes this week... Haiz... But I felt bad again when I reached office.. Decided to go off and trouble other colleagues to help cover me and Jes... And so I went to the doctor's.. Doc gave me 1.5 days MC.. That I was running a fever... And that I got virus infection.... Gave me western medicine....

But no no... I don't want to eat western medicine... I'm just gonna eat the chinese medicine that Louise gave me...

Mum is down with cough... I am also down with cold plus a headache... Feels that the head is damn heavy and my nose is like anytime gonna sneeze like crazy... And my throat is getting painful as I swallow... Haiz... Hope I get better... Don't like feeling sick...

Back to Singapore last night at 8pm plus.
Well, as usual, tired from the travelling..

He told me he could come back to Singapore for a week for CNY.. I am happy yet unhappy. Happy so that I din have to go to BKK. Unhappy cos I cant go to BKK.

Confusing.. Actually I feel like avoiding the CNY. I din want to take angpaos anymore. Embarrassing. And so, I feel like avoiding CNY. Even if he did not stay for CNY, I guess I would go over for CNY.. But now, he's staying.. BUt I dont feel like celebrating CNY.. Headache.

I feels like bringing him to Genting for a short trip. SO that I can bring him to play all the rides that I din manage to play and eat the nice in the restaurant..

Haiz but now.. Everything's not confirmed yet..

Genting Day 4

Had dim sum at the restaurant for lunch.. The dim sum was yummy! Especially the fried carrot cake... I still miss it now..

Genting Day 3

Today is shopping at KL.. Had breakfast at old town white coffee.

And we waited for the taxi driver to fetch us down to KL at 10am.. We decided to go Mid Valley as the driver said the shopping was the same as Sungei Wang.. Reached Mid Valley at about 11am plus.. Shopped around and we realised that the shopping centre was full of branded stores.. And so, we decided to take taxi to Sungei Wang.

Reached Sungei Wang at about 12 plus.. Walked around and we had lunch. Continued shopping until the taxi driver came to fetch us at 5pm. ALl of us were tired from the shopping and we slept in the taxi.

Well, I had bought a sling bag, slippers, flats and Mum had bought a few tops, flats and Kemp had also bought himself a pair of sports shoes.

Had dinner with Dad at the restaurant.. And we went to arcade to play some more games as we had to earn enough tickets to exchange for toys..

And so that was end of our day.. Went back to the hotel room to pack our bag...

I realised I had become a pro at packing.. As compared to the very first time I went travelling with Mao and YP.. Hahaha..

Genting Day 2

We intended to play the outdoor and indoor theme park..And so we woke up early and went to buy the unlimited rides tickets.. Yeay! The theme park.. Long time since I played the rides in the theme park..

But this time with kemp... Hmm.. I din have the chance to sit most of the rides.. There is forever long queues at all the rides... And kemp was getting tired after a long morning.. And so, we bought lunch and went back to the hotel room to eat lunch and kemp had a short nap.

Went out again at 4pm+ and we played the rides in the indoor theme park.. And then it was dinner at the restaurant again..

Went back to the indoor theme park again as we din want to waste the tickets..
I went to the internet cafe at night as I had arranged to talk to him at night.. and we talked for an hour before I headed back to the hotel room to sleep...

Genting Day 1 (Part 2)

And so.. we reached Genting at about 2pm plus.
Had some food at Coffee Terrace. And we went to arcade to play some games before letting kemp have his afternoon nap in the hotel room.






We had our dinner at the restaurant at Genting. I liked the restaurant and the food it serves.. Yummy dinner!!

And it was followed by shopping at First World.. Then supper and then bedtime.. Super tired. Maybe because of the coach ride...

Genting Day 1

We're off to Genting now... Woke up early at 445.. Showered and packed stuff...
My dad was happy yesterday.. Guess he has been looking forward..

Goodbye Singapore... Genting here I come..

We talked about him coming back in Jan next year.. I hoped he'll stay longer in Jan as I guess i'll be going there only next Apr, during his long holidays..

He asked if I'll bring him to my relatives' houses to bai nian.. He said he wanted to be official. But I brought him home already right? That is making him official already.. Why does he need to see my relatives?

Frankly speaking, I do not think I'll bring him over.. Yes, a dinner with my parents would be definite..
My cousins are All married.. And me, being not the youngest one of all, would definitely be asked the question.. How to answer when its not gonna happen within the short term? And now, I dont feel like getting married.. Dont want to have additional burdens...

And my cousins' husbands are all accomplished and working.. And he's still studying now.. My aunties may laugh at my mum, or laugh secretly behind me.. I dont want my parents to be laughed at..

Whatever it is... Bringing him to my parents, my friends is okay... But not to my relatives...

Can't imagine I'm actually going around in circles... Just because of a jacket.. Let's hope I'll really like it in the end..
Don't disappoint me!!

Kemp is playing with candles now.. Singing the birthday song and blowing off the candles and lighting the candles again..

Reminds me of the time I came out of the bathroom and he was outside the bathroom with the burger and candles on top in his hands... He also sang the birthday song, so loudly till I was afraid he'll wake the parents up... Lol... I blew the candles, made a wish... I seldom have people singing birthday song for me... Seldom blew candles on my birthday.. Hahaha...

Woosh!! Managed to finally clear my luggage.. Back on sunday night and today managed to clear it..
I bought 10 dresses, 2 shorts, 3 tops, 6 belts this time.. Wah, what a shopping trip... Think he must be tired from all that walking too.. Keke..

But wait wait... I'm not keeping my luggage yet.... I'm packing again!!! Hahaha... Going genting next week with my family and without my sister... Abit guilty abt lying to her.. But well, i'm just happy that she's not going.. But her son is going.. Another replica of "her"... =__=

Hope that boy dun piss me off on the trip..

I finally told him yesterday that I wanted him to hug me whenever I cry infront of him..
I dunno why.. But I realised that whenever I cry infront of him, he seems to not care and not bother.. Which saddens me even more.

I hope he keeps his promise.... But I also hope I wont cry again...

I think he's happy.. Because its been a good week.. Although I was busy at work.

I realised hearing his laughter can actually relieve me of some stress, some unhappiness at times...

Feeling tired today.. Finally my 3 days of covering is over.. I can clear my stuff tmr..

Just when I thought I would be free tmr.. I received a sms from my other colleague.. Asking me or my cover to help cover another colleague...

So sian.. So tired... I'm acting blur...

I received his birthday card to me today.. He wrote 3 pages of half of A4 size.. With his tiny handwriting.. Had a hard time reading..
But.. I'm happy.

Made me recall some of the memories we had..
He said he fell in love with a simple girl.. Am I still simple? Or did I become complicated, practical?
I dunno.. But time and environment changes a person...

I hope I am still the simple girl I was.....

silly me

i guess man are all the same.
silly me, i thought he would be different, different from other man. but then, he's still a man.. so man are all the same.

***

i'm back to singapore.
this trip, i had him singing birthday song for me and blowing candles on a triple cheeseburger.
this trip, we also quarrelled.. outside. using a different language from what was commonly conversed over there.

but it ended all well.

***

we are all recently going through a rough patch. me and my 2 good friends.
one after another. seriously i think our fates are all linked..

i've been through the ordeal. she has just been through it. and i hope she can survive too.

since then, i had a thinking. we are 28 years old, not too old but yet not too young either.
perhaps its the age that is making us make all our decisions now.. something we thought that we could never accept in the past, but we accepted it now... maybe because we are getting older?

becoming abit unadaptable to changes... or rather, refuse to change our current situation....

Recalling... Day 4

Woke up. Still quiet.

Today's plan was to go Chatuchak. The special thing was he planned to take public transport instead of driving car..
I liked the idea. I always preferred to take public transport.. Although it wasnt that convenient.. But I felt the both of us can be closer. We could sit near each other, hold hands together...

But we did neither today..

The atmosphere was quiet between us.. The bus broke down halfway... He din say anything, neither did I.
We walked around.. But both of us were quiet.. I had tons of questions to ask him.. But din know how to start..

Finally I started the topic.. At the BTS.
We quarrelled. He shouted at me. I shouted back..

No sex meAns no life?
No sex means no hugs, no kisses...

I thought after all the shouting.. We had thrown everything out.. We should feel better..

Went for massage as I din want to reach home so early..
I knew he was feeling pain in his feet and back after all the walking... So I decided on massage.

Guess what? I din like thai massage.. Always painful and always gave me blue-black.
Why the hell did I choose the painful massage?

I thought We should feel better.. Or rather I should feel better..
But no... I realised I had not asked him 1 more question..

What was the temptations he was talking About?

Finally I opened my mouth and asked... And I got the Answers.. The temptations were going to dirty massage palours and girls in sexy outfit...

Suddenly I feel disgusted.. Seriously disgusted.

***
Where is the man I used to know?
The man who asked me to trust him absolutely. The man who said that he'll never fail me. ThE man who I utimAtely trusted...
Now tells me that he'll be tempted.. Tempted by those dirty stuff...

The man's gone.. Just because he had a taste of sex and he din get it thereafter..

..... My trust in him suddenly vAnished..
How am I supposed to carry on?

Recalling... Day 3

We woke up in the morning.. But with some unhappiness.. I rejected him.
I guess he was pretty upset about it.. I was feeling guilty... Comtemplating to give in to him at night.. Until I read his blog.

"Find that when I'm outside, I'm staring at other girls... Really scared that i'll succumb to temptations.. "

I was angry.. Upset... Depressed.
It spoilt my day.. I threw temper. I had no mood to do anything. I keep quiet. I lost appetite.
I skipped dinner. And I slept early..

Recalling... Day 2

Went shopping again.. Bought another 3 dresses!!
This trip., i had spent alot.. But then.. Who cares...

Went shopped for KH's t-shirts also.. I wanted to give up and find excuses for not buying.. Almost wanted to settle for some other designs cos the designs he wanted were tough to find...

But he persisted.. He persisted in finding those designs that KH wanted..

And sometimes it makes me wonder.. If its HIS to-buy list or MY to-buy list....

Recalling.. Day 1

Happy Birthday to Me!

I'm in BKK now.. Second year that i'm spending my birthday in BKK...

Shopping at Platinum.. Bought myself 6 dresses!! Amazing..

And then it was dinner.. Had minced pork basil leaf rice, fried chicken wings and papaya pok pok.. It was all yummy..

But too bad my stomach was abit weird... Had to go home.. But before we went home, we bought ourselves a triple cheeseburger meal...

Reached home and I went bathe.. Before I knew it, he was standing at the toilet with a plate with the triple cheeseburger and fries.. And w candle on top of the burger.. Singing the birthday song to me.. I blew off the candles and made a wish.

Not romantic not special.. But least expected.

I had spent 28 years on earth.. But the number of times I blew candles on my own birthday cake can be counted with 1 hand..

i'm flying tonight. aren't supposed to be on leave today. i'm supposed to work and fly to the airport tonight. but then i decided to be "off" today...

went to pick kemp from school this morning.. and now i just finished my lunch..
blogging now and thereafter to the bathroom and then outside..

tmr's my birthday.. i am then officially 28 years old.

actually i do not usually look forward to my birthday.. birthdays, usually you'll be the centre of attraction, which i do not like.. i do not like to be the centre of attraction.. weird right?

but anyway, i planned to go shopping tmr.. hope to get somethings for myself, dresses, shoes etc.. a nice dinner and a nice night with him.

***

I should learn to cherish the good things that I have..
I should really learn..
I should learn to be less unhappy.. and not always picking on the small little things in life..

***

I wish that my parents, my nephew, my good friends, him and myself be healthy and happy always..