sunday. saw uncle charlie at vivo today. long time since we saw him. i nearly couldnt recognise him. he was with a woman. e woman din look like local.. hmm.

we din say hi. cos my father say not. well my guess is uncle charlie owe him money and he might think my dad's chasing him for money if we said hi.

sad right? being brothers and now so far they had drifted away. i think my dad's feeling upset also.

friday. i took half day. my skin's sensitive again, red itchy and painful. so i went to the ponggol clinic.

thereafter when i got home, knew that almost all the BEs got pay adjustment letter, woo!! and elmo gets promoted! i am so happy for her! i thought that she will stop at BEA since she's not willing to take up cases. well whatever it is, i am still happy for her! ok, i haven got my letter, so i dunno how is the pay adjustment, anyway having is better than none. hahahaha!

sat morning. i rec a sms that says "congras on ur promotion".. ?? well i din know who it was.. i stared at the number for long trying to recall the number. after some time, i recalled and if i rem correctly, it was gary. i replied saying "i get promoted? i dun even know it, how you know?"

he replied saying "u wanna bet?" hmm i din reply cos i din know what to write and.. i din want to raise my hopes till so high... anyway i'll know it on monday. actually i dun think i will get promoted, cos i have not been doing as much as elmo and i dun think i will get promoted. i just dun think so....

i feel depressed lately. dunno why. just dun feel interested in anything. feel so meaningless. feel so lethargic. i really dunno why. i keep worrying, abt my own health, abt my parents' health and seems like there are tons of things for me to worry abt.. ... yes, i do tell myself to BREATHE hard at times. telling myself that these are little obstacles or there's nothing much i can do by worrying.

well.. maybe its a stage that everyone's has to go through? ...

everybody's testing me recently.. alot of things made me angry. but then again, i dunno if i'm too petty or think too much.

i guess i am better after fuming for perhaps one day? hahaha.. anyway its a waste of energy to get angry, isnt it? but you need to somehow vent your anger..

sat. they came my hse bai nian and played one round of mahjong. i tot they will stay for long but they had another round at jp's house. finally saw wq. he came for awhile only.

wq talked to me recently abt boon's debts. well, there has been a communication breakdown between us. i find myself soo stupid. ppl say, once bitten twice shy. once, twice, thrice and i have not learnt my lesson. my heart aches when i think of the money.

been thinking alots recently. i have been spending lots of time and energy trying to know new guy friends in the hope that i can find one whom i can spend my life with. but apparently, it has not been working well.

for some the sparks are there, but its one-sided. sometimes the sparks just went off suddenly. e more u want it, e more it doesnt come to you, how true is that.

now.. perhaps i should just try to do something for myself. i feel like going overseas to work. i have not been really independent. i always have my parents by my side. but i know i am not the kind who can really bear to leave my loved ones at home and go out to the world. how contradicting..

i am not those who are ambitious or wish to climb up the corporate ladder. but i do feel like going out to experience the world outside. there are so many things to see and to learn about. to see how ppl in different parts of the world survive, so that my view wont be so narrow in life.

i wish .. i really wish..

sat. the first and second days of cny is over.

the first day. as usual, we went to a few houses and finally reached my big auntie's hse at pasir ris. she moved to the condo grandeur at pasir ris. her new place is so pretty, so nice, a penthouse.

how i wish i could live in such nice housing. wo ho ho.. saw yong pa. well i think he looks better.. dad's van broke down at the entrance of grandeur. lucky we already reached the place and not in the middle of the highway or roads.. hahahah...

the second day. went to my cousin's place. finally saw ping's baby. woo.. so cute. but ping looks super tired. she say the only thing she lost is sleep. hahaha.. but its indeed tiring looking after kids.

and so.. the busiest days of cny is over.

i went shopping at orchard alone. managed to get some new clothes. managed to get the bdae present for ys. just a wallet. well, just suddenly felt that i ought to get him something on his bdae..

shopped till backache. shit, dunno is cannot walk for too long or cannot stand for too long. though i am only 20 plus, but i think i have a body of probably 80 years old? hahaa..

cny is nearing. i used to love cny. but now, i dread cny. partly is cos my relatives at my dad side is getting lesser and we feel further away from each other. makes me very sad.

recently my fren keep telling me not to get married, or not to get married so early or not to have kids soon after marriage. they are having problems in their marriage. the guy suddenly wants freedom, wants time for himself. expect the girl to give in to his request. suddenly they feel drifted apart. suddenly this marriage, this family doesn't seem so happy as they used to do.

not having a boyfriend is a problem. having a boyfriend is a problem. not getting married is a problem. getting married is a problem. having kids is a problem. not having kids is also a problem. so many problems...

suddenly humans can get so selfish. just because the guy wants freedom suddenly, he ask to live by himself for the first 4 days of the week, only to join his family for the remaining 3 days.

does he still remember that he has got a wife, kid to take care of?? its the emotion side of his wife and kid that he has to take care of.. does he ever realise that his wife and kid will feel lonely or feel lost or feel "without a dad or husband" during that 4 days where he's feeling happily abt his freedom??

the guy is not mature yet. yup he's young, perhaps still having some inmature thinking. but it doesnt seem that guys who are older will be more mature...

its his way of handling the problem that is lousy.. or can i say, there is no better way to solve this???

well i dunno.. really dunno.

but from this, i can feel that sometimes one can really get very selfish for himself / herself, not bothering abt their closed ones...