know why i thought of learning thai language? cos i rem he telling me that if one knows more languages in Thailand, it would be easier to find jobs.. and so i had the thinking of learning thai language, hoping to work there so that i can be nearer to him..

i just wanted to do something for him, for us, for our relationship..

i was pretty upset when he sort of objected.. saying that i shouldn't do it for him.
he said if i did it for myself, then it is fine.
but.. why not? why can't i do it for him?

it is like.. he is not allowing me to love him..
it is like he is telling me "dun love me too much, cos i dun love u that much.."

or is it because... he will feel stressed if i do too much things for him?

*****
u know something? i am still sore at the fact that he refuse to give me promises.. and saying that promises will only make me more upset if he fails to deliver.. that means, he will really fail to deliver?

*****

i woke up late one night.. i felt scared. i felt afraid.

can i trust him? can i really trust him? i am so scared that my trust in him will be betrayed..
i am so scared that the feeling that i felt 3 years ago will come back again.. i felt so hurt then.
i am really scared of the hurt feeling, the heartaching feeling.

i am so scared that my time and effort spent would be wasted again.. just like 3 years ago...


******

ic said.. love is when your partner becomes part of your life.. yes, u would get bored or tired if u see him/her everyday.. but at the same time, u will feel lost if u dun see him/her...

will we.. ever reach that stage?

dinner with ic at vivo at this japanese gourmet restaurant. i owed him 1 dinner. for all the trouble i caused him during my holidays.. oh well.

my dad brought my mum to see doc.. she had high blood pressure. doc told her to go back on sunday for revisit.

i'm worried abt her. i haven been caring about them since i came back...

i thought of alot of things these few days. i think of the future. wondering what will happen to us in future. wondering if i can ever leave things down here and do what i should do or ought to do.

i really feels like doing what my heart ask me to do.. but things aren't so easy.. and very often, i do not have a choice. i have a responsibility. i have ppl whom i need to take care of. how can i ever be so selfish and only think of myself?

i'm really afraid.. afraid that i may waste my time and effort again, afraid of getting the feeling that i felt 3 years ago.. i'm really scared.

i saw something posted on fb again.. and i feel upset again. :(

i'm happy. I'm feeling loved.

But.. At the same time.. I'm feeling scared too..
I'm afraid that the happiness would be short lived...
I'm afraid that all e happiness i have now would be gone when i wake up one day...

...........

woke up. bathed. had breakfast at the hotel.

he was sad. i was sad too. how i hope time could stop immediately.

drove me to airport. checked in my luggage. lucky i din exceed luggage! it was abt 19 plus kg.

i was the last passenger to board the plane! my flight was 9.25am.. but it was already 9.21am when i cleared the passport checks..
ran all the way to the gate. so paiseh! everyone was like staring at me when i boarded the plane.. sharks..

i just couldnt bear to leave him. upset.

goodbyes.. it will be another few months before i can see and hug u again..

woke up at around 10am plus. we missed breakfast again.

he bought pig trotters with rice for me! yeah!! super yummy! the meat was so soft..

started packing bag. i think i bought alot. he was stunned too, i guess!

slacked. finished watching the movie on tv. then we went out to platinum. it was raining heavily. super scary!

finally bought all the stuff that i was supposed to buy.. phew!

it was sunday already. and i am leaving the next day. i could sense that he was upset. and the rain in the afternoon was like crying for us.

went for dinner near his sch. roadside stall. fried kuay teow and something like 'yong tau fu'.. very spicy soup.. and its yummy!

wanted to go back hotel. but he decided to go for a ride instead. and so we went round and round. suddenly, we got lost. he din know where he was.

but i wasn't worried. i jus felt safe with him. i know he will find his way back. i just know it. most importantly, i trusted him. i trust that he will not let us get lost.

he was holding my hand all the way when he was driving. i could sense that he couldnt bear to see me go. me too, but too bad, we dun have a choice..

back to hotel. i was guilty for what i did. im sorry, dear. i din mean it. i just found it messy. i was afraid that u will get turned off. and so, i din dare to try. im really guilty.

bathed. ate supper and slept.

woke up in the middle of the night again. i asked him if he was angry. he wasn't. but i was still feeling guilty.

sorry dear.

we woke up late. i bathed. came out and found out that he was still sleeping. and so i waited.

called for room service. ordered food. yummy! tom yum soup, green curry and pad thai!

soon, we were on our way to take BTS to chatuchak. from the hotel, we walked to victory monument BTS. before reaching the train station, we reached a small shopping centre where there was a mini funfair. he played with throwing darts at the ballons. basically, u just have to make sure all the 7 darts hit and burst the balloons.

well, missed the 1st round but hey, we got it the 2nd round. and so, we won ourselves a soft toy! mashi mallow! its at my bed now!!

went to chatuchak. he heard from his friend that there was a airconditioned shopping centre near chatuchak. and so we were trying to find that place. its called JJ Mall. but it was quite far, quite a distance from the BTS.

along the way, we bought food from roadside stalls. sotong, my favourite!!

he bought me an umbrella! say that it could shield me from the sun and rain. 想为我挡风遮雨。。

my back was aching. we walked back to the BTS station. went to Big C. we walked around. ate ramen for dinner.

we caught a 10pm movie. it was a thai movie, with english subtitles.

super tired when we finish watching the movie. my eyes was red. i slept early.

woke up. din really sleep alot after chatting. we went for breakfast at the hotel before he leaves for sch. he went to sch. i went back hotel.

online. msn with sisters. played sudoku which was displayed in the papers. i spent like 1 hr plus.. brr, lousy!!

went platinum to shop. woo, i bought a t-shirt for him!

he came over to fetch me. we went central world plaza to watch UP the movie. YEAH!

he asked me if i was bored, cos he din acc me for the day.. well, i was pretty bored shopping alone but its okay, i understand he had to do his own stuff.

went chester's grill for dinner. Yummy again! he notices that i like wings and so, he ate the drums and left the wings for me instead!

we bought cheesecake back to hotel for supper. walked around for awhile. he was tired. or rather, we were tired. and so, we went back hotel immediately.

he could wear the t-shirt i bought.. yeah! happy!

he slept early.

me? wasnt in good mood. dunno why, my menses came. dunno why, it just ended 2 weeks ago and it wasnt due yet.. hmm..

woke up at 2am plus. its always like that. we'll sleep first and wake up in the middle of the night to chat. we chatted but ended up with an upset moment.

i asked him if he'll do anything wrong, or what if a girl chased him or willingly seduce him, then what will happen? he din give me a very good answer.. a lousy answer.. he din know what to say, or rather, he din say the 'correct' answer.. he just say he dunno what he'll do.. he said that he cant promise and that i'll feel more upset if he promise me and fail to deliver. so he rather he dun promise so that i wont be so upset if he fails to deliver... ARGH! lousy answer... i was angry, pissed off, but more of upset!

felt like crying. i just tried to sleep thereafter. i was damn speechless.

woke up again. he said sorry and asked if i was upset. well, i was... but..

i pose another qns to him. asked him if he ever thought of bringing me home. he said he wasn't prepared. i was upset, again.

am i not the one? are u just playing with me? he said, no, that wasn't the reason.

reason being, he has no financial ability now. he feels he living off his parents now. bringing me home now would sort of mean requesting his parents to help him feed another mouth. which is a feeling that he dun like..

basically.. he just wants to be financially independent before everything else, which includes acknowledging me and promising me anything. oh well...

woke up. had breakfast at the hotel. we walked to pratunam, platinum. did some shopping to finish the list that i have on hand.. finally! i think i managed to clear some..

then we went to siam paragon. ate dairy queen for lunch. wanted to catch UP the movie. this movie would only be shown in singapore in sept.. how nice if i could watch it here!! it was a movie that i was attracted to ever since i saw the commercial..

but alas, it wasn't showing in siam paragon!! we bought the newspapers, trying to find out the timing for other places.. we went to central world plaza. reached at around 4pm+.. but the last timing for UP the movie was 3pm+.. alamak...

instead we watched harry potter. we bought the sofa seats.. woo, so comfortable!! i called back home, chatted with mum.

chatted with him for awhile before going into the cinema. hmm, i just love the sofa seats.. i love it when he hugs me. i love it when he rubs my hands when its cold.

came out. we ate japanese food for dinner. finally bought my naraya bags, for mum and sister.

i bought my favourite chicken wings for supper and we took cab back to hotel.

i have been wondering.. will be bring me back home? will he bring me to see his parents? i've been wondering abt that for days.. but i still din dare to ask. maybe.. he has no intention.

woke up at ard 4am+. we chatted alot.. he said he din mind my past. he said im getting full marks as a gf. asked me abt my future plans. he said he couldnt afford to fetch me over now. probably after he graduate and when he's building his career.

*smiles* at least he considers me in his future plans.

i asked him if he ever did miss me. he said probably not when he's busy, but absolutely when he's free. well, he's not a liar. i know it. i dunno why, i just know it.

woke up. he received a call. aunt doris needed his help. they needed to get nintendo wii. and so, we accompanied them to get their 2nd set of nintendo wii. fashionable and active couple!

its a big place with lots of electronic goods. woo, i love it! im an electronics freak!!

lunch was at a place near his sch. its those shophouse in a tiny and small street. pretty authentic thai food. fried pork with spicy basil leaves and fried sotong (with abit like curry taste) with rice. woo, nice!

went watched movie at central world plaza. Ice Age 3 (3D)!!

ate fried chicken wings and lots of fruits bought outside central world plaza. shopped around and watched movie.

had dinner at a small japanese restaurant. wanted to pack chicken wings back, but alas, it was raining. wanted to go naraya buy bags but the security guard din let us in.

i forget to bring hp out. we reached hotel and there was 16 missed calls and 7 smses. my dad was looking frantically for me. i called back home immediately.

so sorry!! i din do it on purpose... my dad even looked for ic at his house and called yp and kitty. he even asked for ys's number. but ic told him that i din want to let ys know i went to BKK.

-when we were eating food outside central world plaza, it was 6pm. and the national anthem was broadcasted. everyone immediately stopped, stood still until the song was finished.-

-before the movie was shown, a song was played to pay tribute to the King. and all had to stand until the song was finished.-

i din really sleep. the pillows wasn't comfortable. and.. i couldn't bear to leave his arms. all except the last step.

he asked if i was having headache. i nodded and he started to massage my head. he had to leave for sch. he bought breakfast for me and left for sch. it was bbq pork plus glutinous rice. dear, i dun eat such oily food for breakfast.. but it was nice! i just ate slowly..

bathed. decided to go MBK/siam square to do my manicure and pedicure. rained suddenly. decided to surt net for awhile. borrowed umbrella from the security and i was on my way out, alone!

walked. did my manicure and pedicure. waited for him to meet me. we went MK for dinner. my roasted duck and roasted pork!! yummy!!

he drove me to BKK airport where there's a nice runway. saw the planes landing and taking off. nice sight! we were super tired. nearly fell asleep on our way home. he too! my god..

reached hotel. we slept early.

- when parking cars in thailand, you set your gear to neutral gear so that other ppl can push ur car to and fro so that their cars can go out.. interesting isn't?-

woke up early. they washed up. waiting for him to come fetch them to the airport. me had diarrhoea. sigh.

but he was stuck in the traffic jam. and so, my girls had to take cab to the airport. i sent them off.

he reached thereafter. we rested for awhile. i was feeling weak actually.

ching called. they had missed their flight! my god.. they reached late and jetstar din allow them to check in. and so, they were finding another flight back to singapore. well, in case if there is no available flight on the day itself, we had to go airport fetch them back to hotel. so, i was waiting for their call.

well, they managed to book airasia flight, flying off at 5pm plus.

we rested for awhile and decided to go pratunam to find KH's t-shirts. we walked to pratunam. it was drizzling. though it was tiring, but i still liked it. i liked it when he hold my hands, when he put our hands behind his back when walking on narrow roads. actually it doesnt matter where we go, whether we walk or drove, just as long as we are closely together.

shopped awhile. we bought the t-shirts and we went back hotel to rest. drove out at around 5pm plus. went to places near his school. went to search for kitty's da sao's cream. we went to a famous hospital near his sch, in the hope of finding the cream. but hmm, no.


dinner. vietnamese food at central world plaza. he ordered the food for me. he knows what i dun eat and he went ahead to order food for me. it was yummy! i never ate vietnamese food before. nice experience!!

went to the temples area. it was beautiful at night. a pretty sight, with the gold dazzling at night.

went to a park near his sch. a small park. but it had a magnificient bridge as the background, and so, it was pretty! heard someone blowing the whistle therafter. then we saw ppl walking out. guess what? the park is closed at 9pm. and so, the blowing of whistle is to inform ppl of that and ppl left the park. we left too.

went suan lum night market, in the hope of finding all the stuff for my little friends. in the end, managed to find slippers and toy cars for ah boy. Yeah!

back to hotel. bathed and ate cup noodles and slept.

i loved it when he hold me in his arms and sleep. i jus felt safe. 一种幸福的感觉。

we woke up pretty late. went to grand palace. well, me and nicole wasn't in proper wear and so, we had to wear sarong and an oversized shirt. hahaha!!

met an uncle outside the grand palace. he was pretty nice. advised us where to go and even helped us to talk to the tuk tuk guy whom fetched us from 1 temple to another.

then went chinatown to buy our foodstuff. back to hotel to put down our stuff. went 7-11 cos i was feeling hungry. they were scared of dogs and so they walked back to the hotel. came across a travel agency, just beside our hotel. there was a tourist guide, Bee, who could bring us to watch thai girl show.. oh no.. i wasn't really willing to go.. but to accompany them, oh well... and so, we arranged to go late at night.

went platinum to do our last shopping.. or rather, their last shopping.

he came fetched us from platinum. went for bird's nests at chinatown and thai cuisine at siam square.

i was having super backache.. and he tried to massage my lower back when we were walking. sweet of him! but err, my girls were behind me and so i was feeling a little paiseh abt that.

he drove us to our massage! we did body polish this time!! woo, feeling so smooth thereafter.

thai girl showtime!! well, the place was super dark, super smoky. full of westerners. they did the usual stuff. sex show and all the stunts that the girls could do with their vag***

well, it was getting boring towards the end. and so, we left.

back to hotel. they packed. we chatted and slept.

we woke up. i saw the blue black on my leg! my gosh, so dark a patch!!

went chatuchak to shop. it was hot and hot!! sweating all the way!!

back to hotel. then went platinum to shop again. went suan lum night market for dinner and a little shopping!

and its massage again at Health Land Sathorn! Thai Herbal massage!!

woke up at 7am. ate breakfast at all seasons bangkok siam (formerly known as ibis siam).

our pace was slow.. i was wondering if we could finish our itinenary. haha!

went to platinum. shopped till 4pm plus. went siam paragon for japanese food. i bought subway for supper! went to naraya to buy souvenirs. back to hotel cos we needed to clear our bowels!! LOL!

slacked for awhile. was preparing to go out but our toilet bowl got stuck! and so.. housekeeping help!!

the cab driver took some time to find Health Land Sathorn. and so, we went round and round. finally reached. a high class area. massage again!! we did aromatherapy massage and foot reflex!

tired. but we chatted till we fell asleep.

bangkok, here i come again!!

met ching at city hall mrt. heading to changi airport via mrt.
we were late! opps.. checked in and soon, we were shopping at the duty free areas!! rushed to the gate where we boarded the plane. think we were the last few passengers.. hahaha!!

flying!! it was dark. couldn't see anything. not the clouds.. :(

we reached bangkok airport! i switched on my hp. i din see his sms. pretty disappointed. i was thinking, did he forget? did he mix up the date? ohh no.. but i was prepared.. the most i said sorry to my friends and we have to take cab to the hotel.

went to claim our luggage. it was late. we waited for quite awhile. i still din see his sms. soon, the luggage was out. i was waiting to claim. *tock tock* a sms!! it was him!! "call me when you got your luggage"

went out. called him. quite nervous actually. and so we met.

he drove us to the hotel. drove us to a massage thereafter. he went home.

our first massage of our trip! pretty okay. but i kena a guy. actually i can choose, but i said i was okay with it. felt regret thereafter.

back to hotel. unpacked our stuff. slept.

"i want you.. but most importantly, i want you to be happy.. So i want u to be really honest with me... if u aren't happy with me.... then u mus tell me...."

he aren't comfortable with saying sweet or mushy stuff.
but small little things he say.. makes me smile.

he's someone whom i think, who always like something new. to keep his interest in you, you just have to keep giving him something new, something fresh. which sometimes, i think of it, it makes me stressed. i am a book that is easy to read, upon finishing it, you'll know me from head to toe, easily.

well.. i wont think too much. sometimes, i hope time will pass faster so that i'll know what will happen in future, whether he'll be the one. but at the same time, i hope time will stop at this very moment, when i am feeling happy, feeling loved.

i am scared that i'll lose this happiness.. as time passes...

my kneecap's hurting.. or rather aching.

so pain.. sobs..

:-(

when u really love someone and they really love you, you have desire but not in the sense of wanting things that you can't get or shouldn't want in the first place. its not even that your desire has been satisfied. its not satiety. you lie in that person's arms and you aren't thinking about whats next or whats wrong or what you want. you aren't trying to get someplace. rather than doing or proving for striving for something, you just like a big boulder thats really just there.

and again, its not that you've gotten what you desire and so are satisfied. its just that there is no doingness or provingness or strivingness. to my mind, this sounds a little like nirvana and i'd say you are emptied of ur self. the difference, maybe is that you aren't just emptied, you are also filled - but filled with one big thing that replaces all the ten million nettlesome, egotistical things that are inside you as a rule. and with that one thing comes a feeling of joy - not no feeling.

you are like a big boulder that somehow has levitated six feet off the ground. then there is one more thing, which is wanting to make the person you love happy, to give yourself to him or her, but this wanting is not a feeling external to love or the result of any incompleteness, it is one component of that big single thing.

and serving the person you love isn't something you 'do'. it is entirely natural. its guided by same part of your brain, whatever it is, that controls ur heartbeat.

"if you love someone, then you feel about them the way i've described and if that person shares that feeling and you are together, then that is the highest state of being, and the happiest."

- love in the air by james collins

met aug in the afternoon together with su.

had a quick lunch and we were on our way to meet aug's clients.

went to a condominum at thomson and 2 houses at seletar rise.

din do much talking. well, we also din know what to say.. and it took up almost the whole day.

went for dinner at tampines. chatted. aug sent me home. i reached home at 11pm.

tiring. my legs and back were aching...

the quiet at home.. is a blessing.

i cant handle boy anymore. he's getting naughtier by the day. talks back, hit people. i really dunno what to do.

and the worst thing? i still have to deal with my unreasonable sister.

and so.. my house is noisy.

i really dislike it.

am i expecting alot?
i dunno.. i just need a sense of security.

or maybe i should change myself.
maybe i should have more trust. maybe... maybe...

He goes missing.. Then appear again..

i dunno.. im lost again.