he din call me the day before. he said he will call me during lunch today. i waited. from 12pm.

i was excited. i was anxiously waiting for his call. holding on to my phone. bringing it everywhere i go. feels like a fool recently. bringing my phone to everywhere i go, even in my own house.

time passes. i din rec his call. my excitement died.
same feeling. i rem when i was in bkk, waiting for him to reach hotel from sch, i also waited, and my excitement died as time passes.


oh well. he did call me in the end. we chatted for half an hr. OMG, the hp bill... for him. must be costly.

ok, we had a nice chat. so i guess, it was still a blessing in disguise. it was the last day of 2009, din want to mess things up.

****

i was online at night. ys talked to me. said that he heard a good news from jz. and that was.. me and him being together.

and so.. ys knows about it le.

i guess.. ch is a good spreader. or maybe it is ck? hahaha.. anw, no matter who, i am just glad. cos the person whom we are most afraid of knowing abt it, now knows.

and from our chat, he seems okay and i am glad. the only thing he mentioned was that he wanted to hammer him cos he din tell him. but i guess it sounded jokingly and he said it was a piece of good news.

and.. this marks the end of 2009.

i told my friends that he is willing to be botak with me.. and they laughed.

said that he's lying. said that 他在敷衍我。 said that its not possible for him to do that.

they said for guys, their first reaction is normally true.. the 2nd reaction are all lies.

i rem.. when i told him, his first reaction was.. "sure? dun be rash.."

SIGH

:(

everything i do is wrong.. Everything i do to my hair also no use... Avoid food.. Everything i do.... Also useless...

I only asked a simple qns.. If he wanted me anot... And yet he reacted.. Negatively.. Saying i dun believe him again.... Din trust him again...

:(

i cried. upset today.

im tired. tired of thinking how important i am to him. family, friends, work, studies and blah... i think i rank last.
suddenly tired of all his he-got-no-choice things.

when he said he's alone. i stayed home to keep him company.
how abt me? how abt when i am alone? i am alone now.. but where is he..

tired of gauging my importance. i need attention. i need lots of care and concern. but with his so many no-choice things, how am i supposed to get them?

i miss him badly.

i wonder why... he could bear to leave me alone for 2 weeks.

did he think of me? did he think of how i am gonna survive? did he realise how much i gonna miss him? did he think of all these....

i find myself.. unable to cope alone.

:(

his sms came abt 1am+...
merry christmas.

he's bound to forget me tonight.... He's bound to forget abt me when he's having fun....

5th day without him.....

I jus wan to sleep.... With sleep, i dun have to think.... Dun have to bother myself with problems..... Sleep is good... I can avoid everything.......

din feel like talking to him these days cos whatever i say i think will sound nasty....

I think he sound happy there... With all his friends.... Im sure he is enjoying himself....

Me? Feel super upset... Feel super unhappy... Feel super moody... Over my usual problem... No mood to do anything... No mood to eat...

And e thought of he having his girl-friends for company jus made it worse...

Im tired... Tired of everything... Tired of living... Tired of imagining the worst everyday....

He called me tdy... I said he mus be happy there... With so many ppl accompanying him.... I said he mus be happy.......

And he agreed... Agreed with me... Agreed that he was happy...... :(

i guess he's too busy working or playing to think of me..... :(

Everyone has got their lover's company for xmas... I have a lover but no, he is not available.... Not available to keep me company......

He called me today... But i was in no mood to talk... No mood to do anything... No mood to eat....

He has so many ppl for company.. He doesnt need me.... He doesnt need me.... And yet i am alone... He can spend time with his hua hua cao cao.... Im really tired... Tired of feeling jealous...

I realised... I could get possessive... But im really sick of getting upset over little things like that... But i cant help it...

The thought of him... In his friends' company.... Esp when the friends includes girls... Makes me super upset.... Super upset......

the feeling of sending a sms and knowing u wont get any reply.. Is really not good.

3rd day without him

i went work. i felt tired. alot of things i had to rush before year end. i had been procrastinating. HAIZ, its time to start doing my work!!

moody today. i feel down. his call in the morning had made me.. felt better.
but i was back to square one in the afternoon. the fb thing keep flashing across my mind. everytime i recalled, i feel upset.

will this thing just get out of my mind... ARGh!

woke up late. din go for breakfast. my mum and ah boy came back. i bathed and got ready to go shopping with them. went to first world.

he finished his exams! finally! but that also meant he's leaving soon. i suggested to chat with him before he left. i realised that was a bad decision.

chatted with him. it was all good. until we talked abt fb.
fb again. i was really sick and tired of getting over fb. yes, he gave me his password. asked me to log into his fb and play his treasure mania. but all i thought was i was afraid to log in, i was afraid to log into his account and see something upset.

de javu. just like i logged into chris email account and saw something that made me upset. it was a phobia. i was really afraid. i told him about it. but he said he had nothing to hide.

he went on and on. and suddenly, i was curious abt his wall, his comments and blah... and so, i went in to see..

well.. alot of people wished him HBD. mostly girls. and i got sick seeing that. worse still, i saw one girl leaving him wishes and ended up with "ai ni". he said that girl was crazy and thats the chinese word she was good at and blah...

i was so upset.. it was something i really din want to see.
i dunno how to describe. may be something minor to some ppl, but for me, i just felt upset and i really disliked the feeling.

i really hated it. i really hated fb. i keep getting upset. i dunno why. i just dun want to see it.

it was either me or him. its either i give up fb and he gives up fb. i really hated it. i dun wan to see it, i dun see, i wont imagine things. once i see it, i will start to imagine.

im sick and tired.. really sick and tired.
feel so moody...

the time of the year! our annual genting gathering again!

i slept for 2hrs plus only. was talking to him the previous night. couldnt bear to leave. if i couldnt find an internet cafe at genting, that was our last night talking together before he left for chang rai.

woke up early. got ready and we were on our way to golden mile. met the rest of them and we were on our way to customs and to the long journey to genting.

i reached and i managed to find an internet cafe! i was so damn happy. well, we then arranged to talk at night.

i accompanied ah boy and my mum. din go casino. well, i only stepped in one time to have a look, i din play any games..

we talked at night. the next day was his last day of exam, also the day he was leaving for chang rai. i hated this day. chatted till 2am, and i made my way back to the hotel.

i was really tired. 2 late nights.. i decided to sleep and not wake up for breakfast the next day.

i was excited. was damn happy when he said he knew how to do the finance paper. lc din bring her headsets cum mike for me. i went to buy instead. wanted so much to hear his voice and to talk to him.

looking forward to him finishing his papers. loooking forward to talking to him tonight. we could start early and talk till late. i din mind not having enough sleep...

but.. busy man. he had to go for dinner. and here i am, waiting again.... every night = waiting...

waiting.. til i doze off.

my excitement died...
:(

we only have 2 nights left...........

these 2 days.. werent too good.
the atmosphere between us wasnt too good.

something good happened though. i managed to download the program for my integrated webcam and we saw each other via webcam. i guess this was the happiest thing that happened.

he told me today that he had to go chang rai earlier. he had to go on saturday. i was upset. super upset. i had to go genting this weekend. i wont be able to talk to him. i was abt to tell him that i would go find internet cafe at genting so that we can talk at night.

but before i could tell him that.. he broke that news to me.

i was upset. although it was only like 3 days earlier. but i was still upset. and so our conversation earlier ended just like that. he left just like that.. again. he did that twice in a weekend.

能不能回到最初
最自然最灿烂的笑容
没有赚钻石的爱情 我也会被感动

让自己放空 恢复漂亮的脸孔
你吻我一下脸就红

i cleaned my room today.

i came across something that chris wrote to me previously. he said something like to wait for him till he ORD, till he gets out of his army regular life.

it sounded familiar.

he also asked me to wait for him. wait till he graduates.

deja vu.

i felt so familiar suddenly. as if.. everything's the same.

will everything's really be the same in the end?

:-|

加油！加油！加油！！！

我会为他祈祷的。

宝贝，加油噢！！

很感激 这城市拥挤的交通
让你我 还能多相处几分钟

very busy at work these days.. its turning my world upside down.. and i got to slog.. until the end of the year.

my hair.. giving me problems.. again.
its haunting me inside out.. argh.. and spoiling my mood.. badly.

:(