有时候，我有一点后悔把他拉进我的世界。
在我之前，他的世界是很简单，很开心的。

在我之后，他的世界好像变得复杂了，好多的不开心，好多的烦恼。而这些坏的东西都是我带给他的。
有了我之后，他好像失去自我了。 一个很喜欢出去的男生，变得每次都要赶着回家，变得每次都要拒绝朋友。

我很不好，对吧？

its gonna be a happy birthday.. or maybe not.

happy because i have him by my side this year.
not happy.. because i realised my body's really weak.

my acupuncturist says my body's pretty weak, stomach's weak, poor absorption, slow reaction to medicine and needles. probably, hence the hairfall and body's slow reaction to her medicine and needles.

wah.. damn upset. body's slow reaction. if my hairfall is faster than my body's reaction to her medicine, oh no, i gonna become botak.. wah.. thinking of that, makes my hair stand.. hahaha.. cannot imagine that.

or maybe i should go for a proper checkup? im scared...
or not really scared.. the 1 thing i am most scared of is wasting his time and effort on me. which i dun really want that to happen.

if i cannot solve my health and hair problem.. i gonna... gonna.. give up on him.
:(

had dinner with my parents and ah boy at tiong bahru. my dad loves the food there and the lady boss knows us well.

it was a yummy dinner. and we went vivo thereafter.

was looking around for my macadania nuts that i was supposed to buy and bring it over. i jus missed buying at amoy where they were setting up a stall and selling the nuts. argh! when i wanted to buy the nuts, the stall disappeared.. i was so damn angry with myself. and so, serves me right for having to search.. desperately.

but.. i still managed to find it online. yeah! they gonna deliver to me on monday at my office! ho ho.. yippee.!

finally.. mission accomplished. i can pack my bag and enjoy my trip.

how i wish.. i dun have to go krabi. so that i'll have more time with him..

had dinner with shalley, andrew and vincent.

yeah.. e four of us! and the original 4 of us.. hahaha!

it was an advanced bdae celebration for me.. well, we had korean food at the central.

it was pretty good. most importantly, we chatted. laughed alot.

shalley's giving birth in dec. vincent's getting married in apr next year. they are getting busy with all their stuff. andrew, as usual, quiet fellow. i dun think he got a gf yet.. or maybe in the process of wooing. ho ho..

and we were talking abt wedding bands and diamond rings. which is more impt? vin said he gave his gf a choice, to have wedding bands made of white gold and smaller diamond ring or wedding bands made of white gold and bigger diamond ring.

well.. both me and shalley went for expensive wedding bands (made of white gold) and smaller diamond ring. but his gf chose otherwise. vin himself made the same choice as his gf. and we wondered why.. wedding bands shld have more meaning right? its something that bounds the 2 ppl together. isnt that more impt?

but vin says that having a cheaper wedding band doesnt mean love is lesser or relationship is not deep. oh well.. guys are guys. different thinking. or.. its always him who have different thinking.. hahaha!

我的他

he's an active person. loves to go out. loves to know more people. loves to be out enjoying with his friends.

if he doesnt go out for the day, he will be moody (i feel..)

definitely not the kind to coop himself at home.

dun do it for me.. why is his choice me? why do so much things for me?
i am seriously.. not worth it.

sigh.. countless times we've talking abt that.. countless times i feel upset and angry abt that.. COUNTLESS!

i dunno why.. just cannot control myself.

cant help feeling upset.. when i think of dec.

dec is supposed to be merry christmas.. and a happy new year.. but i dread it coming.

i really dread it. i dread next week coming too. the moment it comes, it will pass, very fast. and thats it. end of it.

and its countdown to dec.

its countdown to lonely days.

1 more weekend at home before i fly..
yeah! so happy... *GRINS*

i am happy.. excited!
and its a happy happy birthday to me! in advance!
its gonna to be happy, no matter what.. because he will be with me!

he's been trying his best to cheer me up.

i know it. i am grateful for that.

how can i bear to see him upset because of me? how can i bear that...

i rather i be the one upset rather than him feeling upset...

i went to doc today. she gave me vitamins for my hair. dunno if it works.. hmm..

i told him abt it.

did he say he would be with me, no matter what happens? did he say he would be there with me... ?

i think he said that to console me.. to make me less upset.. to make me feel better.. to make me not think so much..

or he scared i cant take it? yes, im scared.. but i rather he dun let it dragg..

i just dun wan him to feel obligated to be with me..

i jus need to let it out.. let my doubts, my thoughts out.. somewhere.

i've lost him.. lost him on my way back home.

dunno where i've dropped him..

i back tracked all the way, but still couldnt find him..

im so sad.. :(

he left me.. or maybe he found me too troublesome and so he left me....

the logical side of me tells me to let him go, let him do the things he want, give him all the freedom he wants and needs.

but the emotional side of me says otherwise..

am i too possessive? too possessive? being too hard on him?

i dunno if i should let him go or to hold him back.. i've seen the consequences of holding someone back as well as experienced the consequences of giving someone freedom.

im confused. i dunno what to do.
i've done all that i can. but nothing helps.

my own problems also.. i've done all i can.. but nothing helps.

im stuck. seriously stuck.

她太爱他了。

可是她不能忍受一个不完美的自己继续留在他身边。

她真的不值得任何人的疼爱。

he always say.. he'll make up to me in the future.

what if the future dun exists..? the future is so far away.
i dun like to see long term.. esp in the future.


yes.. i dun care abt looks.
but i feel that the whole world else, goes for looks...

i din reply his sms-es yesterday.. i was moody and din know what to say, so i din reply.

waited for his sms until night time. i din receive any.
i sms him.. he din reply. called him but the number was unavailable.

i am worried. been trying to call him but i get the same message everytime.

i am getting worried. i wonder what is happening.

battery flat? no reception? or something else.....

my heart is thumping very hard. i am shivering. i am worried.

what is happening.. can somebody just tell me?

i'm moody.. Again.

Nothing can make me happy except for 1 thing.. And i dunno how to make that 1 thing happen...

:(

my mood has been going up and down these days.....

was up the previous days... and now down again.

i dunno whats happening... people around me asked me why i was moody...

hmm.... haiz...

tdy... i made alot of mistakes at work. mistakes that i haven done in my 7 years of work...

jus before lunch, i realise that i din help jes to check her loans.. i was to cover jes for 2 days.. when i checked, i realised that i had few loans that i was to do the previous day and yet i din do...

damn nervous.. had to call customer and explain. and the customer was someone who would complain if u met with his bad mood.

was damn scared.... in e end, i called customer and luckily, he was in a good mood and he just nagged at me... and so, i was lucky.

i did my own work.. and came my 2nd big mistake... a loan was to be fixed for 3 months and i used the 2 months interest rate...

SIGH

wat was i doing.... quickly amended after being informed and re-sent again...

i never made such mistakes before lor.... what was exactly going in my mind???

so disappointed with myself.... my officer came over and said that she never seen me made this kind of mistake before...

ya i know... i wonder why also...

tdy.. i was in a daze.
rushing out stuff. and i cant think properly.. dunno what stuff i have submitted...

he said he dun feel like talking abt it anymore and had problem doing his assignment.
seeing that, i felt abit upset.. i felt, i was the cause of it.

i wanted so much to reply him, wanted to give him some encouragement.. but i din know what to say. and i thought probably the last thing he want was an sms from me..

i told him abt my long list of "friends".. trying to scare him away... wondering if he would be turned off by that.

so troublesome of me.. and yet, throw temper and gets temperamental easily.

if i really end up with him, it will be the most wonderful fairy tale of my life.

too many people spend more time focusing on their weakness rather than developing their strengths.

what you focus in your life grows, what you think about expands and what you dwell on determines your destiny.

***

he feels bad when i am upset. but i'll feel worse if i were to stop him from doing the things he wants..

through the lies you were the truth.

If I could re-write the alphabet, I'd put "u" and "i" together.

tdy i saw my dad cry. as far as i rem, i dun rem seeing him cry...
and he cried hard. at the altar.

he's really upset at the fact that the wife din allow them to visit him at the hospital.. he kept complaining. first time i heard him complain so much. he's really upset and angry.

think he's going to cry even harder on the day of cremation.

my aunties were talking. yong-pa really had a hard life.

:(

yong-pa passed away this morning.
2nd uncle of mine, to die from cancer.
going to his funeral later.

he was in icu for the past few days. actually we wanted to go hospital visit him yesterday, but his wife (my aunt) told us not to go down as his immune system was down and he might be infected with virus... and so, we din go down.

i dunno if his wife meant good. his wife was notorious was being.. hmm, dunno what word to describe her.

anw, my dad and my another aunt was upset for not being able to go.. but since the wife had already said that, they had no choice but to respect her...

and he left us this morning.

i rem him as a quiet uncle. with a pair of shady glasses. he's always thin. he's always working hard. whenever we have gatherings at our house, he's the first to come. why? cos he came from overnight shift and his office is at jurong, near our house. although it was after work, but he always made it a point to come.

he's not a good joker as my other uncles.. but he's a nice man.

rest in peace.

went to do my driving license tdy.

it was cold outside. raining when i was outside. i think, i caught the cold again.

he finally finished his midterm papers.. im happy for him. at least he wont be stressed. and.. i am back to square one, back to before. always wondering where he has been.... and blah. and waiting and more waiting....

he sent me sms when he finished his papers.. asked me if i feel better from that list.. i realised that i have a long list.
:(
and he has to bother himself with that long list....

****

i use my own way to love him.. i accept him for who he is, what he is.
but it doesnt mean he has to use the same way to love me or think or behave in the same way as me..
every person is different. some go for looks. some go for character. some go for feelings. some go for status. whichever u go for, u definitely have the right to choose what u go for...

i wont discard him for some reasons doesnt mean he cant discard me for the same reasons.
we are all different in the first place....

i felt upset today. same old problem. it seems that im only left with a solution and im afraid that that doesnt work out...

i told him.. told him that im unhappy, but not over him.

misunderstandings do happen.. i thought he din bother to show me that little attention.. but he's worried, really worried. but i jus dunno how to face him, how to talk to him.

he took awhile to react.. i thought he found it scary. i really thought otherwise..

他真的很疼我。
他真的很不喜欢我不相信他。

当我越爱一个人，我越怕失去他。
可是，一切都是注定的吧。
if we are fated to be together, no matter what, we will be together.

越爱一个人，就越想给他最好的。
可是我不知道我有什么好可以给他。。。

mc tdy. i thought i could break record this year, by taking least days of mc amongst my years at work.

hahaha.. but still, i took mc tdy.

woo.. my throat's pain. headache. feels very hot.

but.. i hate medicine.

he's feeling upset this morning. hmm.. i called him. but he doesnt sound good. i thought he will call back but he din.

hmm.. is he really feeling better? i hope so.. i dunno if my words are of any use....

my back's aching these days. dunno why. e pain is killing me..

i feel feverish.. think i am falling sick soon...

:(

i was happy.. to see his sms early in the morning.

its been many sms-es.. his expenses is going to go up.
happy on one hand, worried abt his increasing expenses on the other hand...

went for massage and spa today. woo.. quite nice wor!

shopping. finally bought the bag i want! yippee..

but tired. my legs are aching. my kneecap is aching too.

woo.. i need a rest.

and congrats! its 1 down for him!

teambuilding!

supposed to meet at 9am at Changi Village..

kh fetched me, elmo and pl.. we met for breakfast at 745 at the hawker centre near the swimming pool..

Had breakfast.. Then headed to Changi.. we met at the changi village hotel.. the organisers briefed us and then we walked to the field near the changi beach..

we played games... Ok lah, not too bad, quite fun... The weather was good, not too sunny... Then came lunch, we had buffet at the changi village hotel (newly opened...

it was buffet.. but the spread wasnt alot.. but they had chocolate fondue! woo, i loved chocolate fondue!! hahahaa...

Then came afternoon... we were given bits and pieces of poles, wheels, screws, spanner.. And we had to make a car cum pushcart out of these pieces of stuff...

This one was quite fun... Then we even had a "grand prix" after all the cars were made... Hahaha... Had a driver who controlled the steering and a "pusher" who help to push so that the car would move.... Hahaha...



The sky became dark during the grand prix.. Then all of a sudden, rain poured.... we ran for shelter... Hahaha... Then we all ran to a tree... Where the organisers gave out ponchos... For us... Then we walked back to the changi village hotel... Wet lor.. cos the rain quite heavy.... Freezing when we got to the hotel... Hahaha...

it was poncho again.. saved my life. hahaha

tired when i got home. but happy until i couldnt get to sleep when i got his email. hahahaa.. especially his last words to me... well, again, i din know if he means it...

***
oh ya.. i saw this at the reception when i acc moon to her client's office.. wondered what it was... hmm, still cannot figure out.. but looks like antique... interesting...

thurs night. we chatted.

his last form of saying good night to me. i forgot to ask him before i sleep. it went through my mind the whole day.

i wonder.. if he meant it. or he din mean it.

or is it because i changed my way of addressing him, and so he decided to change his as well?

that 2 words, im usually sensitive to it.
i dun like it if one use that form of addressing but doesnt mean it.
oh well..

but then again, he usually means the things he say.
but this time.. im not really sure.

"rather than spending his days judging the events and experiences of his life as either good or bad, he adopted a neutral stance and simply decided to accept them for what they are: a natural part of the path he is on.

we all travel different roads our ultimate destination. for some of us, the path is rockier than for others. but no one reaches the end without facing some form of adversity. so rather than fight it, why not accept it as the way of life? why not detach yourself from the outcomes and simply experience every circumstance that enters your life to the fullest? Feel the Pain and savour the Happiness.

if you have never visited the valleys, the view from the mountain top is not as breathtaking.

remember, there are no real failures in life, only results.
there are no true tragedies, only lessons.
and there really are no problems, only opportunities waiting to be recognised as solutions by the person of wisdom. "