I hoped he'll tell me... Trust me again, I'll never say that to you again....

Am I selfish? Am I half-hearted? I feel guilty to my parents.. I don't dare to tell them that I'm going BKK again. I don't even dare to tell them that I'll be spending a full 2 weeks there in Dec. I feel guilty. Super guilty. I didn't bring them overseas. Didn't bring them to play. Didn't bring them to enjoy themselves. What a daughter I am.
These are still.. Considered minor. But ask me not to feed them or ask them to be more thrifty? No.. I cannot do that. Sorry I really can't.

I try to make up to them. To my best possible efforts. Bring them out. Treat them sumptous dinner. That's all I can do now. I want to bring them on a trip. At least one. Finances and leave wise, I'm tight. Trying very hard not to touch too much into my savings now.. Trying. Keeping tight to my budget.

Almost half of my pay goes to giving my parents money, paying for some bills, family's monthly spending etc etc. And I still feel guilty for not paying the power supply and water bill. That is still paid by my dad...

I know.. Everything' done for me. But I am not alone. My parents are not as financially independent as other parents. And I'm not like others whose salary only needs to feed oneself and doesn't need to contribute to their family. I'm not.

My hands and legs are tied. Very few people can understand.. I don't blame anybody.

I don't need him to do anything for me. But just to understand my situation?
Am I finding excuses for myself? I don't know. But the idea came by and I brushed it off because I can never make myself to do it.. Leaving them, yes, provided that I know they are well provided for.....

And so.. What was my parents before I came out to work? My dad borrowed money. From his boss, from friends. To feed us. Small small amounts to get us through for the month...

i rec a sms from her. she said she gonna clear her name. gonna raise the issue up.

i always known her to be a selfish girl and one who doesnt really seem to care abt other people's feelings. because she is the only child.

i find her selfish. she doesnt seem to care what and who she will affect if she were to bring up the issue.

im seriously regretting. was it wrong for me to tell her? was it wrong? and now, i felt as though i have dragged another person into the waters as well..

i dunno how's this thing gonna end up.. i seriously dunno.

another wrong decision of mine?

i cant seem to do things correctly....

i told her abt what i heard. she was pissed off. she asked the person who told me. that person confronted me. she said i'll make matters worse.

i told her not to confront anybody.. not to ask anymore. she promised. i know she is not feeling good abt it. but.. i just hope matters wont be worse anymore.

****

he told me ch has broken up with his thai gf. because he found another girl. but in the end, he and the new girl did not end up together. and so, he is single now.

i was angry. ch told him that he had no more feelings for the ex-current gf.
WTH!! if there was really no feelings, then should go ahead and break up first instead of two-timing her!!

pissed off. getting emotional. i admit i had too big a reaction. i think i had recalled of how i was being two-timed. and so i felt for that girl...

and ch.. i always thought he could be trusted. always thought he was the first and good guy friend i ever had. but now, too disppointing..

=(

man are all jerks.
man.. cannot be trusted.
man.. use their lower part of their body to think.

１.未成熟男人会叫你猪头、亲爱的、傻瓜之类的成熟的男人会叫你宝宝。而且是心疼的。 

２.未成熟男人会很用力的和你接吻，不管你是不是喜欢，是不是允许。成熟的男人会在情到浓处时闭上眼睛轻轻的吻你，让你能感受他细致的爱。 

３.未成熟男人在和你打电话或夜聊时，不会太在意你是否想不想睡觉，而由自己决定是不是挂线。成熟的男人会不停的关心你是否困，是否会耽误你其它安排，然后再决定下一步。甚至自己很累只要你不想睡就会陪你。 

４.未成熟男人总是问你东问你西，今天做了什么什么，和谁谁怎样，问题多的数不清，却从不自己动脑子去想想很多显而易见的问题。成熟的男人很少会问你太多问题，除非是一件他们搞不清、抓不到任何蛛丝马迹的事情。否则很少有什么可以逃出他们的分析和思维能力。 

５.未成熟男人总是对你讲谁谁谁的不好，谁家又有什么事了等等各种八卦。成熟的男人很少在你面前议论谁的不好，并教会你一些道理。 

６.未成熟男人会让你给他做饭洗衣敲背，偶尔为你做几道味道一般的饭菜，但会指责你的毛病。成熟的男人会很安静的只要有时间就给你做很美味的饭菜，递给你水果，洗衣收拾家务，就算你做的饭难吃也会表面幸福的全部吃掉。 

７.未成熟男人会在公共场合大声笑，不顾旁人的和你闹。成熟的男人会自己做自己的事，沉稳微笑着处理各种场合。很尊重照顾你。 

８.未成熟男人总是在打架时保护你，或者让你走。成熟的男人在你在旁边时不会打架，而是镇定的用智斗。 

９.未成熟男人会没事拉上一大帮朋友去酒吧夜店玩，然后很HIGH的玩，和美女眉来眼去。成熟的男人总是迫不得以的被人叫去，安静的抽烟喝酒和朋友聊天。 

１０.未成熟男人总是有没玩没了的问题，想要更加了解你。成熟的男人只会用心了解你。 

１１.未成熟男人喜欢喝酒，没事到哪吃饭都爱开瓶酒。成熟的男人讨厌喝酒，需要喝酒的时候才会喝酒。 

１２.未成熟男人抽烟大多为了消磨时间或者习惯好玩。成熟的男人抽烟大多是为了思考和使自己镇定。 

１３.未成熟男人遇到困难的时候会问你怎么办。成熟的男人遇到困难的时候不会告诉你，而是自己去承受。 

１４.未成熟男人喜欢昂贵华而不实的东西，追求表面的东西。成熟的男人不喜欢张扬的东西，喜欢有质量和有品味的东西。 

１５.未成熟男人喜欢奢侈的生活，有时会浪费。成熟的男人不管多有钱，都会对自己很节俭，却对别人和对心爱的你很大方。 

１６.未成熟男人很少回家和父母在一起，也很少关心疼爱父母。经常会做不顾父母感受的事情。成熟的男人哪怕工作再忙都会没时间抽时间回家陪家人，给家人买最好的东西。父母长病，天天陪在床前。每件事都会站在父母的角度考虑。 

１７.未成熟男人会和你抢电视机遥控器。成熟的男人会陪你看你喜欢的电视节目。 

１８.未成熟男人会听自己喜欢的歌曲，还会滔滔不绝的强迫你一起喜欢。成熟的男人听自己喜欢的歌，但也会了解你喜欢的歌。偶尔投其所好，总之看见你微笑他就开心。 

１９．未成熟男人开车时会和你闹，拉你的手还不时的看你。成熟的男人会很认真的开车，会给你讲很多好玩的笑话还有事情，不让你和他闹。因为他珍爱生命，尤其是你的生命。 

２０．未成熟男人会抱着你时说你沉，你这个小猪，让你减肥。成熟的男人喜欢背着你转，然后说你怎么这么轻，让你不需要减肥，顺其自然就好。 

２１.未成熟男人会考虑半天才买下你喜欢的东西。之后还会唠叨给你买过什么。成熟的男人是只要你喜欢，就会毫不犹豫的买下。或者暗暗买下你喜欢的，给你个惊喜。他爱你，所以会努力让你快乐。 

２２.未成熟男人会在过节或生日时给你开PARTY庆祝。成熟的男人会带你到一个温馨的地方给你庆祝，只有你们两个人，属于你们的小世界。 

２３.未成熟男人总是到处炫耀他的女人和恋情。不管你是不是介意。成熟的男人，你在身边时他才会骄傲的扬着头。不用说，他的朋友们也会明白你们的关系。你爱他，他爱你，有时爱情就是这么简单的事。 

２４．未成熟男人总是喜欢你打扮的花枝招展，生怕走在街上别人不看你，朋友亲戚不夸女朋友时尚漂亮。成熟的男人不喜欢你化妆和打扮的张扬。他们更喜欢自然简单的你。就算不化妆丑也觉你是最漂亮的。 

２５.未成熟男人的爱经不住考验，缺乏的是深厚和执着。成熟的男人的爱是博大精深的，爱的不动声色，却又坚定执着。如同父爱。他视你若珍宝。 

２６．未成熟男人总是在浪费时间。成熟的男人总是觉的时间不够去拼搏，只想你能幸幸福福。 

２７.未成熟男人总是做出很多不负责任的事，然后想方设法逃避责任。成熟的男人总是勇敢去承担责任，并不会做出任何伤害你的事。 

２８．未成熟男人遇到问题矛盾，会问你怎么办。成熟的男人会冷静地想解决的办法。 

２９.未成熟男人会让你哭让你生气。成熟男人会让你笑让你舒心让你幸福。

I hate BB...
Interupting.

And I haven finished what I wanted to say.....

A clean car...
For Friends? For Me?

I know.. I'm not worth it.

When will it be that he will tell me things without forgetting and without me having to ask him?

I know.. I'm not worth it.

weird. seems like she is telling different sides of the story to different people.

i hear people telling me different things.. and today, somethings exploded.

i wonder whats going to happen tmr. i wonder whats going to happen in the future.

i feel like offering myself, offering my help. but i dunno if its worth it.

i am confused. who is telling me the truth? is she lying to me?

Is it true that humans can't be trusted? I'm wary of her now... I'm easily swayed.

well.. doesnt matter if she is lying to me. i am just concerned abt the future.. it will affect me, sooner or later. but as what i have said, i am willing if a bomb were to fall on me....

***
He forgot to ask me....

23 / 24 Aug 2010

On half day mc today. We had aqua aerobics in the rain yest.. Didn't want to do in the rain but didn't want to skip.. So we went.. But ended up with a headache that caused me to have less than 3 hours of sleep...

I'm at a comfortable place now. A place where I always liked to go when I'm down.

I heard something yest. Somethings which I'll never never say it no matter how hopeless, how upset or how angry I am.. But I heard it yest.

Felt a feeling that was familiar. Remembered nothing about the previous day except for that. I had that feeling long time ago and I HATED that. I wished hard that the feeling would never come back to me. But it came back yest.

Now I feel I'm back to square one. Back to the girl then. Back to the zero confidence girl. Back to the zero worth girl. Back to the lonely girl..

This time's different.. Nobody's around and I'm alone.

Damage done.. It hurts both.



****
He's accommodating. He's tolerant of my lousy temper. He's been trying hard to be the best guy around me. He gives in to all demands. He changes himself. He asks me to go find other guys for company...

He does it for a lousy girl like me. I'm no good girl, in fact the worst girl you can find. Demanding, unreasonable, lousy temper, jealous easily, lousy character.. You could find almost all the bad things in me.

Why? Why should he be the one to handle me?

Maybe he has maxed out. Maybe I'm too stuborn. Maybe our fate is until here only... Maybe I'm destined to be alone.. Maybe I exaggerate things. Maybe not. I did felt my trust betrayed.. Maybe our thinkings are too different that he can't understand me and I can't understand him...

***
男的朋友：他不在乎你和其他的男生来往，他只觉得和你在一起开心就好，没有想也根本没有想到你们的将来。
男朋友：你要是和其他的男生在一起，他会吃醋，他会发脾气，他会不高兴，甚至想扁那个男生，他不愿意和其他人共同拥有你。

cycling again!

We went cycling again! At east coast!
And its rent a hour get another hour free!!

Hope to do this often.. Cos it will mean exercise for my parents too..

And its a wonderful weekend for my family... But tiring one.

... Nah it was too early to conclude as wonderful..
Boy is getting out of hand and difficult to discipline with my parents defending him.. He is getting too much, expecting too much.. And thinking that he can absolutely get his way... Haiz..

i had said.. i will never bring up the future unless he talks about it. and i will never initiate to talk abt the future anymore.

to think of it, i have gone to Bkk 3 times this year and will be going another 3 more times within this year. 6 times altogether in a year. how much have i spent on the air tickets and the spending in BKK? and to think of it, is it all worth it?

seriously speaking, we have been quarrelling frequently these days. over the future, over the things he can do now or cannot do now, over some different ideas and blah.. but our quarrels these days aren't like the quarrels in the past. in the past, i used to think so much over the quarrels and was insistent on reaching a compromise. but now, sometimes i just refuse to think or talk more abt it..

im tired. we quarrelled again yesterday. over his grouping. yes, over my most sensitive, my most-hated topic and his most-hated topic.
i had thought of not asking him abt it. wanted not to ask, not to know so that i wont be affected. but then.. stupid me, stupid mouth had to go and ask. i thought he would give me a more favourable position, at least having 2 guys, at least showing me that he has done his best. but no, the more i don't like, the more he does, grouping around girls, and him as the only guy around. as if going against my wishes.

argh! i hate all these. these are all school life. things that will only affect ppl schooling! i am already 28 years old. i am not schooling anymore. i do not want to be affected by all these. and i still have to be surrounded by his school life.
argh! i hate it!

he has no choice. he doesnt have a choice. he cannot do. nothing that he can do now. all these, i have heard alot of times... alot.

and i am getting tired of it..
i need to think of my future.

Hope he remembers whatever he has promised me. And not to break any. But I doubt so.
He always have excuses, reasons..
I really don't feel like tolerating anymore.

aqua aerobics again!
but there was only 6 of us.. but it was good exercise after a day's of work.
imagine doing exercise in the waters.. cooling in the waters but yet exercising.

went for my first facial in my life!
it was recommended by yp.. and so we met and we went for facial. i din go for any facial in the past as i had went to see a doctor for my face before and i was told not to go for any facials..

well, the experience was good. except that it was painful when the lady was squeezing my pimples.. but thereafter the mask was cooling and comfortable..

we went for food and shopping thereafter. went little match girl and realised there was an offer of $29.90 for all dresses storewide. wooo!! i bought 2 dresses!! happy.... =)

and then i went home while yp went to her bf's house. brought my parents and boy to cafe cartel for dinner.. i spent alot today.

Wanted to write somethings but suddenly I'm at a loss for words.

If we were working hard at something now, then at least we have something to look forward in future. But we are not.. When I try to imagine our future, nothing comes out.. The future is so uncertain.

There was a sense of security I yearn for in the past.. Now this is another sense of security I need now. I dun think I'm the only demanding one around...

these few nights haven been sleeping well..
the previous night, i dreamt of me and my good friend in my primary school premises, wearing the uniform.. and attending class.

last night, i dreamt of the same friend again, with her bf. they told me they had bought a car and its their favourite car and they loved it alot..

i can still remember the dreams.. which means, i din have a good sleep.. =(

hope tonight i can sleep well.. really tired now.. yawns.

Tdy my dad borrowed $200 from me and that he'll return to me tomorrow. Then he sms me say he needed it before 11am.. I wondered why the timeline of 11am.. and if he'll return to me as promised...

******

I'm not finding fault with him.. I'm seriously thinking abt our future.. If we really want to realise it.. We really haf to start working hard.. That's why I'm urging him to save.. That's why I'm so anxious abt starting soon.. I just dun want to waste any more time.. Waste more time slacking around? I dun want...

Or maybe.. Am I too anxious? I dunno.. We really have to think hard.. Is there really nothing we can do now? What's the difference between now and 2 years later? What resources we need? Is it after 2 years, we'll have the resources we need?

*******
We sent out our teambuilding email.. Spent abt one and a half hour drafting the email..
Finally sent out.. Now waiting to collate responses.. We'll see how.. Sure haf comments de given the kind of ppl we haf in our team...

He dun understand. He jus dun understand.

He dun understand that I'm worried abt the future. He dun understand that I'm Worried the level of financial I can leave to my parents if I were to leave them alone here one day. My mum asked again, if he's coming back after his studies. I dun dare to answer her. I dun dare to slap her with the cruel fact: No, he's not coming back, your daughter is gonna go over, leaving you here. YvoNne is right, she feels anxious for me, feels heartache for my mum. And the most cruel thing is that my parents haven known this cruel fact..

Other than leaving my old parents here, how am I supposed to make sure they lead a good life alone here? Yes, giving them money.. But how...

Yes.. He's got an idea.. Keeps talking abt it but I dun see him doing anything else.. It got to start from here, he keeps saying.. Then how, when he's not intending to come back?? When he's not free, he says he' not free.. But when he' free? Playing games and complaining he's bored.. I'm sure there is something we can do now, right?

went cycling at east coast today.

rent 1 hr get 1 hr free. and so, we cycled for 2 hours, the 4 of us, my parents, myself and boy.

thereafter we went parkway parade to have a short walk and an early dinner. and we rushed home to watch the national day parade.

and that is the end of my long weekend. my legs are aching now and having a slight headache... think it may be too hot and sunny in the afternoon.

He keeps thinking of buying stuff for me.. I jus dun wan him to spend money.. Want him to save money.. Sigh.

And he is meeting ys tonight.. But he told me he's not in the least excited. Other than the long waiting time.. I wonder is it because of me... I hope not.
They should be 2 good friends...

My national day long holiday is coming to an end. I wanted to get more rest.. But did I?

I hope the days to come would be the same as the days I had.. If not, I would do comparison and I'll be unhappy again.

shopping at JB!

went JB with my mum today. left home at abt 8am plus. reached spore immigration at 9am plus. and it was damn crowded at spore immigration! lots of people, lots of cars.. yes, it is a long holiday..

we managed to squeeze up the bus.. but we had no seats. and so, we stood all the way till malaysia immigration. but there was a traffic jam. the bus move and stop, moved and stopped again.

when we were abt to reach malaysia immigration, people pressed the bell as they wanted to alight and walk to the immigration. i thought it was a short distance to the immigration, and so when the bus opened the doors, we alighted.

when we alighted, i then realised that it was actually a slope upwards the immigration.. OMG! long distance and yet a slope!! but we had already alighted the bus.. and so we had to walk... when we reached the immigration, me and my mum was panting... hahahaa..

and so, we cleared the malaysia immigration. and we went city square to start our shopping!!

shopping and eating.. and then we were on our way back to spore.

the way back was smooth and not many people... phew!!

but my legs are aching now.... Oooooo..

dun make me feel you dun need me when you got company...
dun make me feel left out when you got company...
i really hate the feeling....

We argued over somethings yesterday.. And we din talk yesterday.

This morning, i called him.. He mentioned that he was afraid that i may never want to talk to him again... Silly man.

Although we haf arguments.. And there are times where i just wished that we could stop talking, stop arguing.. But somehow, after sometimes, i'll feel lost if he doesnt contact me, if i dun hear from him....

And this kind of "lost" feelings is gonna come back... When he starts school next week... Begining of a new semester, im happy for him.. But on the other hand, im worried we may quarrel more often...

first class of aqua aerobics! hahaha.. i was late.. panting by the time i reached.
and i realised that the class is actually quite tiring.. you have to do all the exercise in the waters, and it requires alot more strength..

my legs and arms are aching now....

***

he has been calling me frequently these days.. lunchtimes, knock-off times. just to keep me company.. =)

but i am afraid that i may get used to it and take it for granted.. and when it disappears, i may feel left out and upset.. contradicting again..

he's starting to compare, starting to feel more jealous..

i like the jealousy part.. but i dun like the comparison part. i like it when he feels jealous, thats where i feel my importance.

i dun feel that man is worth comparing to. afterall, its all in the past, my history and now it is just part of memories. and being a forgetful me, i forgot most what we did in the past, and never wanted to recall back anyway..

i only know and feel now, the present. i know i am happy with him. i know he is trying his very best to make me happy. i know he is a good guy. although we are apart and dun feel each other frequently, but that seems to be a small problem (sometimes). of course i admit, there are times where we need to feel each other badly. the most saddest part is where we have to part.. at the airport.

but then.. i guess, after a year of being together, i guess we have gotten used to the life.

=)