The last time I was in BKK, I told him something that broke his heart.
I told him.. I have to stay in Spore, to look after my parents.. I have a responsibility to look after them. There is no way I could go over to live with him.. And so he asked, would there be any future for us? I said yes, but our future would be tougher....

He cried. He was sad. He wanted me to live with him. To "force" me to stay with him. Well, I would have wanted that way desperately too. And I definitely would win on my stand.. Cos he had to fulfill his responsibility towards me as a man. He had to come over to take care of me, to earn money to feed me...

I would have gotten things my way if I were to force it..
But what's the point?

He's a good man... But his situation isn't something very ideal for me, not those that I look forward to....

And so.. U don't always get what you want in life....

I saw a documentary on tv just now.. "Welcome to Taiwan".
They were showing HeHuan Mountain covered in snow.. I rem the times we were there.. It was also super cold.. But not snowing..

Awww... I miss Taiwan......

Tanah Merah Ferry Terminal







On the Ferry...







A plate of pasta I had for lunch..



Bintan Lagoon Resort..



Bintan Beach...

Finally the teambuilding event is over.. Finally over. Was so stressed over the event previously and now its finally over.. And so I earned my 3 days off in lieu.

Bintan beach was beautiful.. However I was too tired and the sunny weather made it hard for me to admire its beauty..

Lunch was bad, little variety and the food were like.. Erm.. Okay.
Dinner was not too bad.. Steamboat buffet.

Anw its over. And I get to reap its benefits.. The off in lieu!!

***
Reached home. Damn sleepy. I told him I was sleepy. But he kept going on.
I thought that was childish. If he was mature, he would have chased me to sleep..

There was a familiar smeLl when I stepped out of Boon Lay MRT station today.. The cocoa smell!! The sometimes irking yet familiar smell...

Went to trim my hair today. Finally after dunno how long..

Mum told me.. That the daughter of one of her friend passed away today. I knew her friend. Seen her before. Died of breast cancer. She got cancer for a year plus. She was only 30 plus.

=( so sad.

Life is short and fragile... Should we be self contented? And cherish whatever we have now? ... I guess so... But humans, greediness.. Are linked.

***

Happy Mooncake Festival...

***

I bought home 2 small bars of chocolate which Eng bought from US. Wanted to treat boy. He listened to me, went cycling during evening.. I wanted him to exercise.. More.

And boy ate the chocolate after dinner.

His dad came. Brought over a box of chocolates. His mum wanted to give him eat.
WTH.. Doesn't she know he can't eat too much sweet stuff in a day? Why does she still offer him eat? She saw him eat my chocolates just now. She already know boy had a round of chocolates earlier.. Then why offer boy to eat again?? She really don't know how to think...

Lucky boy was okay to leave the chocolates till tmr. Lucky he didn't insist on eating again. Lucky boy was reasonable...

Damn... I really can't leave boy in her hands.
Think she'll spoil boy's health... Haiz.

Feels like studying..

What courses can offer me part time jobs opportunities.. And one that I'm interested in...?

"A high similar or complementary score means good friendship potential. A high complementary rating is the one to focus on for relationship potential.

You are 86% similar. You are 65% complementary."

Discouraging.

He's concerned about the lesser times we will meet. Oh well, that is one of the reasons why I hesitated the previous time.

And so, he can pursue his dreams. Why can't I do something good for my myself? Studies is always good.

Yes, what he says won't impact my decision. But at least he can sound encouraging?

I went out of the house with my dad this morning. When we stepped into the lift, he asked me "Did I lock the door just now?".

I gave him a look and then answered yes, although I wasn't sure. Didn't want him to feel he might have forgotten...

He's getting old, truly...

***
I have no mood to talk.. Don't feel like talking. I only wanted him to concentrate talking to me, and not doing anything else other than work when talking to me. Well, apparently he just don't get it... I have no intentions of explaining further.

Finding excuses....

***
How nice it can get when you can just do the things you want.. Move out as and when you wish. Go overseas to study as and when you want. With nothing on the back of your mind. How nice it can get... I'm envious.

Carefree.. Worry free..

Girl, Good for you. Go ahead and do the things you want.. Everything'll be good for you, no matter what you choose to do first. Everything will be smooth for you. Good luck!

I'm disappointed..

I feel like studying.
From a long time ago, I feel like studying ACCA.

It will take my time, my leave, my money.

I put that aside previously because of him. But now, I feel like doing something for myself.

I feel like studying...

i was waiting for my dad at kallang mrt this afternoon.

i saw a bus driver helping a wheelchair-bound lady up the bus. it was pretty touching. although its part of the bus driver's job, but i just felt touched when i saw that.

he stopping the bus. he rushed out of his driver's seat. ran to the lady. lifted the platform out for her. pushing her wheelchair up on the bus. then carefully securing her wheelchair. keeping the platform and then helping to tap the lady's ez-link card for her. and then finally back to his driver's seat.

and so, kind people do exists.

=)

***
my 2nd facial in the morning. i actually looked forward to the facial..
then i walked around bugis alone.
then cycling in the afternoon. and dinner at century square thereafter.

FB blocked in Thailand today.

No wonder... No wonder he called me.

No entertainment for him. I'm just another source of entertainment.

I'm a spare tyre.

Let us not talk on the phone anymore.

All he needs is is his BB and lappy.

My parents aren't like his parents. His parents does business. Everything they do, its all about making gains and not losses. My parents? They only do what they like, without thinking about the gains probability...

My parents aren't financially independent. His parents are.

If I had to be financially dependent on him in future, I might have to beg him for money to give my parents.... I think I better be financially independent.

Maybe he can be harsh and strict on his parents if he's really in my shoes.

But... I can't. And that's me. And I rather lose all my savings than to stop my parents from doing the only things they like....

We argued. Over me giving my parents allowance or money.

I know its not gOod. I know its not good. But what if its his parents? And he's in my position?

He just don't understand.... And I can't do whatever he has suggested.

I hate spare tyres!! I hate!!!

I'm not always readily available okay??

A couple sat beside me during lunch today.. The guy receive a sms. After reading the sms, he immediately told the gf who the sms was from.

I'm envious.

***
"Hmm.. I did it too.. But you were angry.. =("

***
I only want to hear favourable things...

I'm lonely...

I'm angry...
Wtf!

They can wait....

I got pay adjustment! I'm happy!!

Now every month, I would have extra allowance.. I can start saving!!

Yeay!!
=)

I think he needs his BB more than me..
It kept ringing and he kept checking whilst I was there.. I was irritated.
So busy. I think I may get more entertained by him if I was BB-ing him.

I may have to stop talking to him.. Very often when we are on the line, his BB rings.. Be it sms, bbm, emails or phone calls.. Really gets on my nerves.

Sian.. Questions will be popping in my head.. And answers aren't favourable.

Got woken up by a knock on the door.. His dad bought breakfast, fried chicken with sticky rice.. I wasn't feeling too good cos of the ice cream the day before.. So I didn't eat much...

Needed to go the market to buy guavas, pomelos and sausage.. Packed bag. And finally told him about what I've felt for the past 1 month plus.. He was upset. But I told him, yes if we do have a future together, our future is gonna be tougher than others. But he could choose to give up.. As for me, its either with him or alone for the rest of my life. But right now, they are gonna be my prority..

I thought I could bear to leave him and go home peacefully.. But actually I do miss him and cannot bear.. But then how, we can't have 2 unhappy persons, right? One just have to be stronger.... And since he was damn upset, I had to be strong.

I chose this way.. And so, no matter how tough, I'm gonna bear with it.. It may mean 1 or 2 months plus of separation, few days of happiness, sending each other off at the airport, moments of sadness, periods of selfish thinking, hoping he could give up everything for me or me giving up everything for him. But we are all in our comfort zones, with no one giving in at the moment.. All I can think of is not to think for the future.. We'll just live by the moment.

Went to the Mall. One of most favourite shopping centres, dunno why, just felt very comfortable there and it had almost everything..

Watched Resident Evil. And we had a super spicy food then. It's called Yum Ma Ma. It's a spicy and sour salad.. And we could add instant noodle inside.. And so, there were vegetables, small chilli, sauces (maybe containing oil, vinegar) and instant noodle.. Upon mixing, it just became a nice snack.. Nice but super spicy... It was that kind that could burn your lips, burn your stomach.. But once you start, you can't stop.. Hahaha.. Actually I felt uncomfortable after eating that.. We actually headed back to the car to rest before going back to the cinema to watch Resident Evil.. But come to think of it, I really missed it now.... Yum Yum....

And then it was hot pot buffet at the Prestige.. 340 baht Buffet.. We wanted to eat beef.. Hahaha.. But what we enjoyed most was the... Coke Float... Hahaha.. I finally couldn't stand the temptation of ice cream.. And float came to my mind.. And so, each of us had 2.5 servings of float.. Hahaha yummy... And we had chocolate fondue marshmallows when we came out... All the prohibited food, I had it all...

Wanted to go walk around in the night markets.. But then, aiyah, it was raining.. And so, we decided to go for massage.. 2 hours of massage, 2 hours of pain...

Had my favourite yong tau foo at a stall near his place. Loved the noodle type, the fishballs, the fishcakes, the tomyam soup.. Everything!

And then it was movies in a shopping centre. Didn't know where it was but it was faraway.. Watched 2 thai movies in a row.. It was 'First Love' and 'Hello Stranger'. The movies were quite nice.. Touching.

Wanted to go play with Fireworks.. He bought 1000 baht worth of fireworks.. But in the end, I didn't want to go with his plan.. Cos I thought it was wasting petrol to travel to find places where we could play.. I thought we could wait till Dec where we were going other places and so we could play then...

I arrived in BKK late last night.. My fourth trip to BKK this year.
Ate fishball noodle for supper. Fallen in love with the fishballs and fishcakes there. Its just so yummy!!

Woke up early. Wanted to go town to get all the stuff I wanted to get. Didn't want to go town for too many days.. Save petrol costs.

Central World Plaza.. Haiz, only Isetan is opened. Walked to platinum for shopping!! Yeay!! Shopping!! Hahaha been a long time since I shopped at Platinun. However I was on budget.. So I just shopped around and bought the things I needed. Well, at least I didn't anyhow spend money.. If in the past, I would have just buy and buy, without thinking much, and get home, realised that the stuff I've bought weren't really practical.

And then.. It was Chinatown. Needed to look for Teochew old movies. It was pretty hard. In the end, we couldn't find all but we could find a few.. God bless.

Dinner was at Somboon restaurant. Heard it was one of the most famous and expensive restaurant. Anut doris had striked lottery and so, she was giving a treat!!....

It was yummy.. First time I tried brinjours.. It tasted very nice!! And there was seafood and roasted pig as well.. They had red wine and beer.

They went home first while we headed back to Chinatown for more Teochew movies...

And then it was end of the day....

Mum called me this afternoon. Talked to me as though I will be gone for a long time...
Haiz =(

What if she knows about the 2 weeks in dec? Can't imagine her reaction...

I'm one who will miss home when I'm outside...

I can't sleep well these few days.. Keep having dreams. I just didn't have a good night's sleep.

I keep having the same feeling.. Over and over again.

Tomorrow I'm flying again. I wonder if I would fly so frequently next year, when I feel its not appreciated.. Well If there's next year. Till then...

It isn't hard to hang up people's phone, right? Just find excuses and bye. Anyway it was a great excuse to hang up especially when its so late in the night... Pretty difficult har? Can't understand.... I can't understand.

He can say nasty things to me when he's frustrated. Yet he can't do to his friend.
So what am I?

I know.. I'm not worth it.

If only you could come back... Then all my problems would be solved...
If only........

My parents are old. I really have no wish to leave them behind. I want to keep on caring for them.

I really hope we can take leave together. Go for trips, or slack together. Having dinner together after work. Working hard and Saving money together. Go cycling or go out during weekends together. Work and get promoted or get increments. Lead a normal life like other couples.

Then at least.. I won't feel alone now. Feeling alone, trying very hard to save money, not to exceed budget, not to exceed monthly spending, feels alone to spend on my parents. I'm only one person yet I have to do so many things....

真的很累，很辛苦。。。

Dad told me a few days ago that his boss could help us book hotel room in Sentosa by redeeming some points.. He asked me if I wanted to go.. I thought it was a good idea.. Could bring them to stay in hotel and we could play around Sentosa..

I called dad today.. Told him of the available dates in Oct that we could go.. But he suggested going in Nov, during my birthday... OMG.. He wanted to go during my birthday.. But I won't be around in Singapore.... I feel so guilty to make him feel sad. Haiz.....

And I have not told them of the 2 weeks in Dec... Sigh...

"Loving someone, is no guarantee that one day that person won't leave. There is no choice in the matter. You must give your love freely, and without strings attached. If you go toward people always asking for guarantees or protection, you will make them feel that you don't trust them. In turn, they won't trust you. It's a vicious cycle, and the only way out is through giving your heart unconditionally..."

- from my daily horoscope -

...........

I hope he'll be back to seTtle down.. Be it now or after his studies. Then I won't be so troubled now...
But I know its not possible. He has told me what he wants...
Nevertheless, I still hope for that.... I don't need a good life, I need a normal life.
There's nothing I can do now. I just want to remain status quo now. And I try to give them a good life as much as possible..

As for the future.. I don't really want to think about it. Not now.. We won't know what will happen in future now. So... Shoo shoo shoo go away..

I'll look foward to every weekends, be it with him or with my family.

Call me running away from reality.. I admit.

I feel a sharp pain in my tummy after a trip to the toilet just now...
What's the sharp pain about?
.......

If people could see my family and the way my sister acts concerned in front of other people and acts hack care in front of her own family, then people could understand my situation and how much I am not able to leave my family behind.

And today, I realised she's only getting cash of $1,080 a month.. And she's giving my mum $600 a month... How is she gonna survive? How is she gonna bring boy up? Troubling.....

Tdy, I tried to inject boy's thighs, as instructed by the diabetics nurse.. But he says painful, and was pretty unhappy thereafter... Sigh. Troubling...