I have some good news to share but....

He's busy... Until I messaged him.
Really feels bad to disturb a busy person.. I really feel bad and awkward disturbing a busy person but yet worried.
Update me so that I wont disturb you and be worried about you.. But just And still no updates after so many times of reminding and saying.. And everytime it ends with a sorry.

***
Pending boss's approval of the budget and deciding on the date...
I am excited yet worried.. Its a lot of stress again.. But I need the off days..

***
I think my love language is acts of service.

A pretty but bad day...

I put on makeup to work today.. Long time since I put on makeup.
I should make myself pretty in order to make myself happy.. True enough, having some blusher on one's cheek does make one looks prettier and happier...

Busy day too.

I will be involved in this year's teambuilding event. I volunteered. I needed the extra day off...
And it might be an overseas trip.. And the place might be the place that will make both of us happy.. BUT BUT not confirmed yet... Everything's still under discussion and planning.. We'll see...

He fell sick.. Still had to work.. I was worried.. Wanted him to go home right away.. However traffic jam.. He was stuck on the road.. I called him after yoga class.. Simply wanted to accompany him home.. Worried he will fall asleep and can't concentrate on driving...

But I had to raise the topic.. Something that both of us are upset about... Told him my standpoint.. Till now I still don't know if he understands... To me, the most important thing is he understands me and stand by me. I don't care if other people don't understand and don't know me well.
As long as he understands me and stand by me, whatever I do will be worth it....

I have said whatever I want to say during this few days.. And I feel much better after letting out whats in my heart.. Don't know how he feels about it.. Maybe he would be upset or whatever... But seriously, love and dating is about the both of us only. Our future is gonna be the both of us only.. Doesn't include anybody else. I only need to make him happy.. I don't have to make everybody happy..

Most worrying thing of the day... Mum fell sick again. She just got better and she fell sick again... Coughing till 喘... I am worried about her... Worries about dad too.. He has to take care of Kemp and worry about mum... I feel useless of all... I can't take leave to stay home to help... And I can't come home during lunch to help abit...
Haiz... Feeling useless...

I need to....

I need to save more money every month...
I need to earn more leave....

Because I have to go and find him frequently... The responsibility falls on me alone.

Because of some so-called good and understanding people who don't allow him to come back...

And so I have to do these now....

Tried to get distracted but.....

Still looking... Still looking for the blinking red light.

***
I charged my iphone till 100%.
But will the battery be used tonight.... Dunno... Seems little hopes...
=(

I need to get distracted....

I downloaded a new game, Train Conductor and iBooks on my iphone.
I need to get distracted..

And I went to pipi player just now.. I realised that it has the full set of the HK drama, 刑警 2010.

I need to get distracted..

I initiated...

I initiated.. But wasn't feeling too good...

We talked for a short while.. He did most of the talking.. And he Ended the conversation too...

Actually he didn't have to talk... All I wanted was to accompany him stay up do his work.. Hear his breathing... Thats all.

I watched Rio a second time today.. With Mum and Kemp.

***
I wanted to talk.. But I still didn't initiate.. A simple skype.

He didn't too.. Only asked me to sleep and if my troubled stomach was any better..
And I wonder.. What is on his mind?

Kemp Vs Me

Nobody wants to play with him and he has nobody to play with.

He is bored and pathetic.. And plays with his toys himself.

The red light blinking....

How can He be so Sure...?

Can you still love and feel deeply for a person when you don't get to see and touch the person often?

It is impossible for him to come back.
It is probably impossible for me to stay at his house again, unless I am thick skinned enough.

And so, the ball's in my court now.
To maintain this relationship, I have to go over frequently.
If I don't go over, it is very difficult to maintain this relationship.

Although he promised me he will hold on and will not give me up, but he is still a man. He has his needs and temptations all around. I really don't believe that a relationship can work out by seeing each other infrequently, i.e. every 6 months?

现在的我很烦，很伤心。
一点都开心不起来。。

Love's Five Languages Part 1

All of us blossom when we feel loved and wither when we do not feel loved.

Love can be expressed and received in all 5 languages.
However if you do not speak a person's primary love language, the person would not feel loved even though you may be speaking the other 4 languages.

What is the Love's 5 languages?
What is mine?
What is he's?

To be continued....

I feel like crying everytime I remember...

What about 5th June?

I am very very very upset....
He is not coming back in June....
Very very upset.....

My pillows are wet.... Again.
My tears are flowing uncontrollably these days....


Upset. Disappointed.

He said this on 21 Apr 2011...

"Do you still want me to be around you?
Because as long as you want, I cannot walk away.
I don't want to give up.
But its out of my control.
I have no say in anything.
But I don't plan to give up.
You want to think it as obligation or whatever.. I don't care.
You want to come find me or not, that's your own choice..
I will do whatever to hold on...
Until you find someone else..
Until its clear that its not you and me..
I'll work hard in hanging on with you.. Be it I don't see you.. As long as you don't ask me to leave you, my status would always be in a relationship with you..
I will go see you whenever I can..
You want me or not is up to you.. But I know that I still want you. Be it that we can only be together at age 50.. Then let it be.
You may call it obligation... I don't care.. I conclude that I won't give you up... Nothing will change that... "

=(

He is not coming back in June.

He has applied for summer class. He knew it. He didn't tell me.
But he promised me before I left that he will be coming back in June.
How can he promise me he will be back in June when he knew he had summer class in June?

Reasons for not coming back include We had just met in April, He had summer class in June, He didn't do well to deserve the trip, And that we didn't spend time with the family when I was there.

Does it mean his Mum will actually keep track of how frequent we meet? If we had not met for 6 months, she will actually keep track and know? And tell him that, Hey you have not met your GF for 6 months, it is time now to go back Spore to meet her? She actually will?
Feels like testing this out....

Does it mean that if he didn't have summer class, he would be able to come back?

And what can he do for the family to deserve the trip back to Spore when he is so busy with schoolwork?

Does it mean if I had spend 24 hours with the family when I was there, he would be allowed to come back in June?
They felt like hotel staff and us hotel guests. We waking up late and staying out late. Didn't accompany them for a meal at all.

***

I do not think the Mum will keep track of how frequent we meet and will actually offer him a trip back to Spore to meet me if we had not met for long.
However, this can be tested out.
Probably I could test and the results would be known...

Frankly speaking, my only priority is him only whenever I go over. Isn't that obvious? Do I even bother to meet CHing Hong knowing that he is in Thailand also? No, I don't.

I would want to spend 24/7 with him whenever I go over because my only priority is him only.
Why would I even bother to eat with the family? Yes, it is His family. I should spend time, build up good relationships. I will meet them for a meal if they invite.

If we were staying in Spore together, I wouldn't have mind meeting his family for a meal EVERY week.

But not when we only meet each other for 26 days a year, the most 40 days including weekends and the days he can come back.

I do not know if anybody understands this calculation well. But 40 days out of 365 days is only 11%.

WE only meet each other 11% of the time in a year.
It is considered ALOT giving up 0.000001% of the 11% for anybody or anything else.

And so, if given a choice, I rather spend 100% of the 11% time only with him and nobody else.. Not even his family.

I do not know how other people see me on this thinking. They may see me as selfish. Or stupid for not building good relationships with my BF's family.
But I seriously.. DO not care about how other people think.

If he himself also do not understand my thinking... Then I will be bothered and wonders why he does not understand.

I only do what I think is right.
I think its right of me to only spend time with my BF whenever I go over.
I think his family must understand that we meet very little and they should leave us alone whenever we get to meet.

I cried thrice.. In a night.

I dont want to see photos.. I dont want. I really dont want. Please....

He says he loves me.. Yet he forgets to message me when he is busy.
He says my demand isn't demanding.. Yet he says he doesnt mean it when he forgets to message me.

He says its not a problem messaging me when he is walking, driving, eating, peeing and shitting... Yet He forgets to message me during these times.

I am easily forgotten?

Maybe I am just a Singaporean GF that he is proud to have, and not some Thai, Vietnamese, Malaysian or blah girl.

Maybe I am the only friend from Singapore who hasnt forget about him when all his friends in Singapore has forgotten about him.

"Is there something you want to talk about?"

All I wanted to say was....

Menses pain until I had no appetite for dinner...
Super painful headache...

And I booked my hotel already... The Cityview.

I have things to ask... But

Which hotel should I stay in HK?

How should I tell that woman that I am bringing my parents and Kemp to HK?
Fearing that she will pick up a fight again...

=(

Its just plain bad luck.

I wonder.. If what I did was correct..

I wanted Kemp to do his homework after dinner.. But he complained of aching arms after attending his chinese tuition today.

But we insisted he do his homework despite of his complaint. He cried. Threw his temper and proceeded to do his homework.

I felt guilty. I dont know if I was right in insisting that he do his homework.
Maybe his arms really ache after the tuition class? Maybe he wasnt faking?
Or maybe he just wanted to skip doing his homework and play with his Lego?

I dont know...
Sigh.

I am back... And alone again.

Hated to be back and alone here... And he had to make me feel left out, alone earlier than expected...
I became angry.. Lost temper and Scolded... And then lastly I cried badly... Cried real bad. And real loud.
Dont know if I am crying to let out my unhappiness...

***
I brought back a luggage, a styrfoam box and a carton box... From airport to taxi and from taxi to home... I had to make 2 trips for every step taken... And I felt really alone. And I only had myself. Again.

Aren't we supposed to switch off all electronic gadgets during take off and landing?

Inconsiderate.. Super inconsiderate man I saw on the plane just now...

I thought we were supposed to switch off all electronic gadgets during take off and landing?
No... I saw a man just now on the plane... He played his Ipad during take off AND landing... And guess what? He was playing the mahjong game on Ipad... I stole a glance and heard the sound effects of the game..

Super inconsiderate...
And I heard him scold the air stewardess before take off... He had requested for a blanket and guess the air stewardess didnt remember his seat number... She came with a bag of blankets and gave to those people who raised their hand then to ask for the blankets... Guess the man wasnt happy that he had requested first and didnt get his blanket first.. And so scolded the air stewardess "Whats wrong with you...?"
The poor air stewardess kept apologising...

Fucker.. Really felt like turning to him and say Hey don't you know that you are not supposed to switch on electronic gadgets during take off and landing...?????

And.. Goodbye Again.

The outside temperature on my last day.. But actually the temperature is so hot is because the car has been out in the sun for a long time.. Nonetheless, the temperature was around 35 degrees celsius. Damn hot.




Our lunch...








At the Airport

Food.. Again =)

Songkran Festival & International Buffet at Emerald Hotel

Songkran







US (after retouch..)



Ice Cream is my Life..




International Buffet (Daiichi at Emerald Hotel)

Dreamworld and Dinner

Dreamworld!











Dinner Time!

My Favourite Dairy Queen Ice Cream.
Current Favourite - Brownie Chocolate!

My food on the plane.. On the way to BKK.




My Favourite Steamboat Restaurant in Central World Plaza - Nobu Shabu.
Doesnt have lots of variety but what is good is the sauce! And its really nice!



Tata! The sauce! A combination of chilli, spring onion, garlic and zacha sauce.. Nice!

Kemp is sick.. He got stomachache.. Got no appetite for food.. Vomitted twice today.. And is afraid of taking medicine..

So worrying.. Dad didnt have enough sleep but still have to take care of him... I am helping as much as possible.
But I am afraid that he dont have enough sleep and fall sick...

But I am supposed to fly tmr... And with me flying off, he will be alone taking care of Kemp.. Super worried.

I cant sleep.. I left my room doors open.. So that I would know if the next room had any happenings... Wanted to sleep with Kemp but guess it will be too squeezy for him given that he loves to roll all over the bed..

I am worried about them..
=(

***
And we quarrelled... Again.
Yes... Again.
Over small little things... I wasnt angry... But just got fed up over his defensiveness...
.....

Excuses and excuses... Reasons and more reasons.

It is a bad Monday.. Kemp and Dad woke up at 5am plus cos Kemp is sick.. Stomachache and vomitting.. I am late for work.. Afraid that Dad may not have enough sleep.. Mum's leg aching... I wonder if its the ice cream on Friday or yest too much standing... Feels like taking the day off but I will be away for the rest of the work.. Feels the need to go back and brief on my work...

I am feeling numb...
完全没心情出国。。
There is only worries in my mind now.... And disgust.

***
I had yearning in my heart in the past... Yearned so much that I could do anything to get someone to help take care of me and my family..
Now things are different.. Circumstances and surroundings have forced me to be like this... To be alone and independent.

Its a long long day..

Woke up at 5am.. Went tomb sweeping.. My grandparents and my 2 uncles... Went for Facial.. Was so sleepy.. And I agreed to their eye treatment.. Sounds good and I guess I need to do something about my dark circles..

Went home immediately.. Mum was alone helping to prepare food for my aunties and cousins.. And ya the woman was around but that equals to nothing... Expectedly, I reached home and both of them were at home but preparing to go home... And so they went home thereafter.. I had a short nap together with Mum and Kemp while Dad played mahjong with the rest of them in the other room...

Woke up and started working.. Prepared.. Cleaned up the house.. Fed Kemp dinner.. Cleaned up thereafter..

Dad played mahjong with his friends the day before till 1am and also woke up at 5am... I was worried he didnt have enough sleep... And so I did the cleaning up alone... Chased him to bed.. Hope Kemp dont wake him up....

***
And because Dad had insufficient sleep, he injected Kemp with the morning dosage instead of the afternoon dosage in the afternoon when I wasnt around... I was at Facial... Haiz... He is really getting old... Memory fails... Cant remember things...

Kemp had sudden low readings just now at 9 plus,.. Guess its cos of the dosage problem in the afternoon... Gave him food to eat.. Hope its insufficient....

***
Long day also... Cos waiting makes the day long...
..... I must slowly get used to being alone... And I have to... I have to do and face alot of things alone.

Still feeling sore...

I am alone... Again.

And so....

Remembers Wishing his friend HBD... Not remembering messaging me....?
What a world I am living in.....

PMS... Serious PMS

Super stressed doing up the Hong Kong trip itinerary... Been trying to be super thrifty recently... Cos I need to spend a lot ALOT on the trip itself.... And so it's not easy bringing them on a trip... And so it's not cheap too.
Haiz....

Lost temper easily... And I am seriously stressed.

Wanted to talk to him.. Msg him but I guessed he isn't free... He's stressed and busy too.

=(

Ice Cream....Yummy!

The Viking at Cafe Cartel - 8 scoops of chocolate and vanila ice cream with cookies, hot fudge... Yum Yum..

I have a phobia...

I am afraid of the weekends.... I am afraid of her coming back.... I am afraid that she will make my parents angry again... I am afraid of their blood pressures rising.... I am really afraid.

Have problem sleeping at night because of this phobia.

This is never ending unless.....
Sigh.

人在做，天在看。 其实，原来大家都在看。。。

After the big fight on Sunday.. Today her mother in law, the woman, kemp's dad and kemp's dad's brother came over to my house.
My brother in law's brother is one that we always talk to whenever we have problems... And is one guy that we can get along with. Knows how to talk and is one understanding guy. I know my dad prefers to talk to him...

So he came over, wanting to hear our side of story after hearing the woman's story.... Apparently the woman puts all the blame on us and blah... Cant be bothered to explain what she said... And of course we also had our side of the story...
And what one does, heaven is watching and other people are watching too....

He understood our stand... Agreed with us on somethings not all... But I told him what I wanted. That woman doesnt have to learn anything about injections and stuff... Doesnt have to do household chores... She just have to come, play with kemp, make kemp happy, thats all.
Other things, her personal things, we cant be bothered and she has to settle it on her own and not throw temper on us just because she is stressed at work or have some problems at work.

I really hope this get through to her... I dont have much hopes though. Even it turned good after this, this good isnt going to lasts. Its just a cycle, an ongoing cycle.

I just hope my parents are strong enough to deal with her on and off nonsense... Or rather their hearts are strong enough and health good enough to suffer this kind of nonsense, shit from her.

I pray hard. Really prays hard.

Its her again..

I dont get to go tomorrow... Again.
And its her again...
Haiz... I am reAlly upset.

I am really interested in those projects...
Why did he do it that way...?

Does he have something else in mind for me? Or just leaving me there....
Sigh...

I am upset. The fact of not chosen.

=(

Its been a dramatic weekend... With lots of unhappiness.

While I feel ashamed of my own sister... Dad must feel thousand times more ashamed and disappointed to have such a daughter...

I only want peace, happiness and good health for the five of us, including him.
God, please grant me my this little wish... I will be forever be grateful.

Yeay but... =(

Yeay I booked my Hong Kong Trip!!!
I will be going in May... Bringing my parents and Kemp along. Flying on Cathay and staying in Prudential Hotel.
Yeay I am happy... Always wanted to go Hong Kong... And this time, I can finally fly them on big aeroplane and stay in a four star hotel... Something I have always wanted to do... =)

Spent the whole day doing up the itinenary... Never knew it can be so stressed... And tedious too.
With no one helping me... I am doing it alone.
Have already chosen the places I want to go.. Now I need to fit them in the appropriate timing and look for more details...

Its the first time I am doing up itinenary.. Not the first time travelling though. I always had my friends planning the itinenary... And I am the one following... This time round, I am leading and its a place I have never been before... And I am bringing 2 elderly and a kid... *Prays hard*

****
Its quiet the whole day.
I am alone... Again.

Dinner at Ban Heng Pavilion 1 Apr 2011

Everything's changed....