cycling at pulau ubin!

sunday. we went cycling at pulau ubin.

i finished talking to him at 12am plus last night. after that, i went to bed. but dunno why, i just couldnt sleep. and so, i guessed i fell asleep later than that...

woke up at 6am plus. super tired. got up and prepared myself to go out. supposed to wait for ck at the bus stop opposite chinese garden mrt at 8am.

i was late.. rushed to the bus stop. but as usual, ck was late. and we called him and waited.. soon, we were on our way to his gf's place and to changi jetty!!

reached changi jetty! boarded the boat to pulau ubin. well, the boat's the same, the same as what i have boarded few years back..

pulau ubin! the sky was dark and it started raining. we were stuck. decided to go for breakfast first, hoping that the rain will stop. but it didnt.. we decided to go ahead with cycling, with our ponchos!

reminded me of taiwan.. where we too wore our ponchos and brought our umbrellas around everywhere we went!

well.. cycling in the rain.. wasnt too good! other than the rain, the slippery roads.. we had to keep our eyes open on the road while the rain just dropped on our face, somehow landed in our eyes... had a hard time keeping my eyes open... and the slopes.. upslopes, downslopes.. it wasnt that fun...

we continued.. from 1 route to another.. having breaks in between.

soon, i was having a headache.. but we had to continue..

well, i dunno if i was cycling too slowly or they went too fast, i was left behind, very often the last one.. felt so lonely behind.. very often, scared.
imagine.. u alone on the track.. raining, and you dun see ur friends infront...

went to chek jawa! my first time to chek jawa.. nice place, really. but the roads were muddy, sandy.. wasnt easy to go there... but it was a nice experience! and a very nice natural place...

hungry.. we cycled out of chek jawa.. went for a feast at the coffeeshop in pulau ubin.. we had deep fried baby squids, spare ribs king, fried hokkien mee, fried bee hoon and chilli crab!! with crab roe!!

yeah.. it was nice.. after an exhausting cycling trip.. we were super hungry.. gobbled our food..

i enjoyed.. especially the crab roe... hmm...

back to singapore.. i was super tired. my legs, arms were aching.. we took cab home.

********

when i was left behind at the back.. i suddenly missed him so much.
he said to protect me from the rain.. how i wish he was with me.. if he was with me, he wouldnt leave me behind, wouldnt leave me in the rain...

i so so wanted him to be with me, doing the things with me..

or.. i so so wanted to be with him.. doing things together with him, be it projects, discussion or everything else.. i wanted so much to do things with him, or to be with him.

sometimes, i wonder, why cant he be the normal office guy that i often see around? if he was one, we could have just dated normally, meeting for dinner, movies and occassional outings ourselves or with our friends..

but.. i only want him.
not other normal office guys that i see outside..

yeah! i am taking part in a charity bazaar, initiated by my colleague!

we are selling hearty bears! my colleague's friend is handi-crafting such bears and we are going to sell those!

im going to do my part for charity! so excited! its going to take place in the month of sept!

let's hope.. our project hearty bears can raise more funds for charity!!

jia you!!

i really want the best for him... including the best of myself for him.
but very sad to say, i am not able to.. no matter what i do.

一篇男人看了会沉默的文章‏

你可知道
要女人清晨醒来
凌乱的面對心愛的人
是需要有很大的勇氣

你可知道
當女人被男人
脫去自己的衣服
一絲不掛的在他面前
是需要多少的愛

你可知道
女人爲什麽會背朝你睡
因為她不喜歡看你的背影
如果你以後抱着她睡
她會安心一整個晚上

你可知道
女人把每一次的愛情
當作是初戀
也是這輩子最後一個來愛

你可知道
女人那么愛吃醋不是因為不相信你
而是你在她心中太美好
她不希望這種美好倒映在別的女人眼中

你可知道
深爱你的女人在冲你发火以後
自己卻轉身不斷啜泣

你可知
當女人頂着哭花的臉
走在街上
不管是不是有人在看她時
她的心已經快要死了

你可知道
她只會對她愛的男人嘮叨
也只會對她在乎的人耍性子

你可知道
她的任性 她的壞脾氣
其實都只是在對你撒嬌
希望你更重視她

你可知道
假若她不愛你
她根本不會對你发火
不會希望你去哄她
更不會為你掉眼淚
因為她不愛的人沒那本事

你可知道
當你離開她
留下她獨自一人
她有多大的期待和恐惧

而這一切都只是因為她愛你
而這一切都因為你还不够懂她

女人知道太多不該知道的事情
男人不知道太多該知道的事情

于是，你們争吵，你認為她脾氣不好，她認為你不够迁就她……
于是，你们冷战，你以為她沒有完全接受你，她以為你不在乎她……
請給她一個拥抱一个吻，用你的拥抱你的吻去化解她心里的悲傷和眼角的泪水。
因為她只是害怕你的冷漠、轉身和安静。。。。。。。。。。

两个深爱的人在一起，就要
互相包容，互相理解，互相体谅，互相信任，
否则当你们真正失去时将会遗憾终生。。。。。。
否则美好的未来也就在你们自己手中泯灭了！。。。。。。


希望每一个男人都能够好好珍惜陪伴在你身边的女人

她们为你付出过，不求回报

却希望你们能够读懂，能够牵着她们的手坚定地走下去

不要让爱你的女人流泪

不要让她伤心

更不要让她绝望和死心！
因为女人一旦真爱了，失去她爱着的人
就意味着失去了整个世界...



女孩子20岁左右是她最美丽的。这时她的心地最善良，她有点成熟，又有点孩子气。
男孩子20左右的时候是他最暗淡的日子，这时什么都没有，不能独立又不想依赖，挣扎着彷徨着，寻找着自己的位置，所以如果一个男孩子在他20岁左右的时候遇见了与他年纪相当的女孩子，那一定要珍惜她，因为这个女孩子是用用自己最美丽的年华陪他走过了最暗淡的日子！女孩只有陪他走过，女孩将永远幸福下去。

i am tired. i brought lots of stuff home to do. but i haven started..

i saw fb. he posted a comment 1 hr ago. i was online 1 hr ago. but i din rec any msg from him...
he doesnt want to talk to me?

i start to think.. will he be happier without me? i know he's not happy now.. i feel im the cause of his unhappiness..
maybe if i haven entered into his life, he would still be the happy man he used to be..

如果你没有我，你或许会比较快乐。

din really sleep last night. but had to wake up early at 5.30am this morning. promised my mum that i will bring ah boy and acc her to the botanic gardens with her group of friends.

and so.. i woke up.

thought abt last night. i am seriously very scared. but i have to console him. so i drafted something to email to him.

i thought. maybe he was too stressed abt being a good bf to me and too stressed over the fact that he din want to make me upset. and he had made me upset recently. and so he felt he had failed as a bf. the 1st upset thing. the
2nd upset thing. and the 3rd upset thing... and he started to doubt himself. he thought he could do it, make me happy, be a good bf to me. but things hasnt been going the way he wanted it to be. instead, whatever he does, he made me upset. and so, he's starting to doubt himself, started to lose confidence in himself.

and so.. in my email. i explained to him. i told him, that was not the case. i encouraged him.
and that he doesnt have to be so stressed over it.

i dunno whether he seriously felt better after reading my email. i reaally dunno. i cannot see his face. i cannot feel him. i have to take whatever he told me.

friday. i had classes. i was tired after the conversation the previous night.
i had problems working the whole day. almost wanted to give up going for my class. but i din, and im glad i din.

well, the speaker ended early at 9.50pm. i walked off quickly, hoping to catch the bus and reach home early.

but i wasnt sure if he will talk to me. reached home, saw his offline msg. he updated me abt his stuff.

i replied. we chatted. i had calmed down. i explained to him why i flared up the previous day. PMS bah. but he was feeling damn sorry.

i thought he was okay. until he said that he's doing the best things by not telling me what he wanted to say and not able to say... after seeing that, my heart just jumped. what is it that he wanted to say?

it was already late. i din want to hold up his sleep. but could i sleep without getting his answer?

he kept upsetting me recently. he's uncertain abt himself. he felt no confidence in himself. he felt that he dunno himself at all. he's not what he believed himself to be. he's worried he'll lose control again. he's not that sure anymore. not as sure as what he promised me earlier. what i had said to him.. had shook his confidence in himself.

he said.. how can i continue to trust him when now, he cannot even trust himself?

jus a thank you.
although we are far apart, but i could really feel his presence, his concern and care, his love for me. really.

just feeling grateful. although it makes him tired, makes him sleepy..

dunno how many times i have repeated this. but i just want to say it over and over again.

im thankful.

i was waiting. waiting for him to reach home. so that i could talk to him.

wanted to ask him for his opinions abt something. wanted to consult him badly. aug called me. asked me when i was making my namecards. and that i should do somethings to get started up quickly.

i wasnt prepared. i haven finished all the classes. and the worst thing was, i din know if there is any conflict of interests, or whether or not i need to declare. i guessed, it was pretty obvious that there was a conflict of interest. and whether or not i am prepared to take the risk.....

i wasnt really mentally prepared.

he reached home. but maybe i have waited for him too long. i was pissed off. my attitude wasnt good.

asked him why he reached home so late. he went for snooker game. and that he was addicted.

i was angry. i dunno why. maybe i overreacted.
u are telling me you are addicted? addicted to a game? at that time, i couldnt understand. couldnt understand why he was addicted. i thought he shld be matured enough to think for himself? i thought he shld know how to sort of control himself?

if he could lose control so easily.. then it could apply to other things as well.. i thought... and i said that to him.

and so.. i said things angrily. went to bed angrily. without saying good nite to him.

my at ic hse today. my dad called me suddenly. asked me abt ps2. abt the various games and the various options.

i directed him patiently at first. after some time, i gave up cos i din know which screen he was at. and i got pissed off. totally pissed off.

suddenly feel that.. he is dependent on me. everyone is dependent on me. i feel so tired. i feel.. breathless.

my hands and legs are tied up. i feels like doing something. for myself. for him. for us. but i know i cannot do it. i cant leave them alone, can i? it'll leave me worried. but somehow, someone has to scarifice, isnt it? if not, how are we going to work things out?

i want to put in effort. i really want to.

the more i think abt the future.. the more i am unsure of what is coming.
or rather, i know what is coming, but somehow, i just dont have the solution to it..


我知道很多人都不看好我们。。 觉得远距离的感情不会长久。。 或会很辛苦。
有时听了，蛮伤心的。。自己不知道要往哪想。。
是相信他们说的？还是相信我自己的心和他的心呢？

he is surrounded by girls.. so many temptations.. wont he get tempted? wont he get lonely? wont he........

i have trying very hard to convince myself.. to trust my heart that trusts him so much.

to convince myself that.. he wont stray away, he wont get tempted, he wont get attracted by other girls..
he wont stray away, he wont get tempted, he wont get attracted by other girls..
he wont stray away, he wont get tempted, he wont get attracted by other girls..
he wont stray away, he wont get tempted, he wont get attracted by other girls..


would he have loved me more if i accepted him in his first confession to me?
now that i made the move this time round, would he love me lesser?

*********

somehow, with the passage of time and the deadlines that life imposes, surrendering became the right thing to do...

-- The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch

live in the moment. time is all you have. and u may find one day that you have less than you think.

-- The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch

i woke up. i dun think i slept. or maybe yes, a little.

i wrote an email to him. i said, i felt upset. cos the more i think, the more i feels that what he has told me are all excuses.. and it all points to the fact that he dun wan to bring me home. maybe cos i am not presentable enough? maybe cos he thinks i am not worthy enough? or maybe cos.. he thinks that im not the right girl to bring back home? i just felt upset.

and so i sent e email.

went to work. couldnt concentrate e whole day. i felt sleepy.

i cooled down. calmed down. realised that.. i was making a mountain out of a mole. and i regretted sending the email. i wanted to recall.. but at the same time, i wanted to see what he will reply to the email..

went home. actually i din want to go online. i dunno if he'll talk to me. i dunno what we'll talk abt.

i saw his email reply. i cried. especially at the part where he says, he feels that he has wasted his effort that he has put in this rship.. and that he feels unhappy abt seeing my email.

i was guilty. damn guilty. i jus thought that.. its my fault entirely.

i went online. he talked to me! he actually talked to me!
i thought he'll ignore me for days.. i thought he will be that kind whom wouldnt face problems..

i am so glad that he talked to me. if he din talk to me, i think i would have felt worse. im really glad..

we talked abt it after a while.. i apologised. he gave me alot of 大道理。。 which are all i guess, we need to really take it and learn.

i felt good. im not only happy to have him, im also glad to have him.
and.. thanks for his patience with me and his maturity..

an idea struck me suddenly. i had 7 days of leave to clear for this year. thinking of what to do.. i looked at my calendar and hey, i could take from 16 dec to 27 dec.. exactly 7 days and i could spend his birthday and christmas with him!

i told my lc abt it. went home happily. in the hope of telling him so that we can be happy together! and something to look forward to..!

we chatted at night. played games! yeah.. im improving in my sudoku! thanks to him that i learned how to play the intermediate stage.

told him abt the leave in dec.. he told me he will not be free in dec. cos his sister will bring her in-laws to thailand and he would have to bring them along..

at first, my thinking was.. hey, then can i join? then he could then bring us all around together. he said can. but he followed by, not having enough rooms in his hse, and not feeling safe abt leaving me alone in hotel and it would be difficult for him to travel to and fro if he were to stay with me in the hotel.

then my thinking was.. then can i come say during the first 2 weeks of dec whilst his sister comes during the last 2 weeks? but he told me he would be having exams.. i was quite surprised actually. i thought his exams was in nov?

i was disappointed.. really. super disappointed. i was still thinking, how good will that be if i could spend dec with him.. but.. things just din went the way i wanted..

and i wanted badly my way.. i really wanted badly.
i asked him further.. could i join his sister and her in-laws? he sounded reluctant.. i really couldnt understand why he was reluctant at that moment. he gave me alot of reasons.

it was getting late. and so, we ended the conversation.

i switched off my laptop. got to the bed. but i couldnt sleep. i was upset, disappointed.. more of disappointed. i thought of alot of things.

e more i think, e more i thought that maybe ultimately, it just boils down to 1 reason, that is, he dun wan to bring me home. thats why he's reluctant to let me join his sister and her in-laws.

sunday. happy national day!

went chai chee. our family gathering. and of cos, the kids played like crazy. we were chatting alot also.

my cousin's soleminsation ceremony next mth. she gave out the invitation cards.. september.. e end of the year is nearing again.

anyway we caught the ndp parade on tv. my cousin told me that on the 13th floor of her block, we could see the fireworks!
we were excited! we wanted to see the fireworks!

and so, we reminded ourselves to go up to the 13th floor at around 8pm+..

think we were too gan chiong.. we went up early.. stood and waited at the corridor for around 20 minutes...

fireworks! at a distance.. but it is always so beautiful.. i enjoyed it. i carried my boy to see it too.
so pretty!

*******

we chatted and played games till 3am+.. both of us know that its probably the last day/night that we could chat until so late..

he told me something.. which i din like to hear. but its good that he told me early, rather than keeping me in the dark.
i dun have a choice.. but to accept it. i know its immature.. i also dun like myself to have such immature thinking.. i really hate myself at times..

i am curious.. friends and me, which one would he choose? if i really did pose him that question, i wonder how would he react..?

its a long weekend. national day public holiday!

although my good friends aren't around with me to spend this long weekend together.. but i am happy!
been talking to him everyday at night. im actually contented enough to have these chats with him.

he kinda gave me alot of assurance. which sort of put my heart at ease. but i dun deny that other ppl's comments will sway my heart.. but he'll bring me back on track.

im thankful for that. really.

i need a sense of security. although he says he dunno how to give me that, but really, he has given me alot.. by his words.

i know when he starts his sch next week.. we may not be able to chat as frequent as now. well, i'll take things as it comes..

but i am really happy now.
幸福的感觉就是这样的。。

"how long before i die?" he answered, "you probably have three to six months of good health."
that reminded me of my time at Disney. Ask Disney World workers: "What time does the park close?" They're supposed to answer: "The park is open until 8pm."

"Even if the scan results are bad tomorrow," I had told her, "I just want you to know that it feels great to be alive, and to be here today, alive with you. Whatever news we get about the scans, I'm not going to die when we hear it. I won't die the next day or the day after that, or the day after that. So today, right now, well this is a wonderful day. And I want you to know how much I am enjoying it.

-- The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch

爱一个人，要了解，也要开解；
要道歉，也要道谢；
要认错，也要改错；
要体贴，也要体谅；
是接受，而不是忍受；
是宽容，而不是纵容；
是支持，而不是支配；
是慰问，而不是质问；
是倾诉，而不是控诉；
是难忘，而不是遗忘；
是彼此交流，而不是凡事交代；
是为对方默默祈求， 而不是向对方诸多要求；
可以浪漫，但不要浪费；
可以随时牵手，但不要随便分手。

well.. abt last night's chat.. he promised me a few things.. which are promises.. i dunno if he'll keep it..
well, i dun want myself to keep to those promises and find myself heartbroken thereafter..
anyway i think.. time will tell.

went for customer's lunch today. we had korean food. well, i think its pretty authentic korean food.
reminds me of the time we had korean food together. this restaurant is pretty nice and near to my office. shall bring him there if we have the chance.

driving at night. ohh, my first driving after 2 months of non-driving.. super nervous.
well, i think i did okay in the circuit.. but i was like super no confidence when on the roads outside.. my speed was super slow.. sigh.

i think i got a phobia whenever i turn left or right.. sigh.

lets hope it will be better during the next driving lesson.

and again.. my kneecap hurts.. after driving.

we are chatting now. but he din bring up the subject that we talked abt yesterday.

he got no intention of settling it?
i guess.. guys are all like that.

its like something stuck in my throat.. i cant throw it out yet i cant swallow it down.
i just feel uncomfortable.

fairness. i have to understand that i cannot expect him to do or behave the same as i do. each individual is different and i have to accept his difference.

which one is it..?
absence makes the heart fonder? or..
out of sight, out of mind?

he's back from the camp. i was happy to see him. i missed him too. we chatted. but i was feeling emotional. i saw a few updates on fb. i felt upset again.

i knew he was tired. i knew he just came back. i knew i shouldnt bother him too much. but i couldnt control myself.
and so.. i told him i feels like deleting him from fb.

i just din want to see his updates.. din want to see his comments abt his friends.. din want to see his photos or whatsoever..
it will only make me upset.

comments abt friends' updates. there is so many choices. u can choose to 'comment', choose to click 'like'. or.. u can choose to ignore!?!@!@2?
why mus he choose to click 'like'?
did he ever thought that i will see that? and what will be my feelings like?
and.. its not just 1.. ended up with 2 for the day..

does he need to be so friendly? is it really needed?

i asked him what would he feel if he sees similar stuff abt me and other guys? would he not feel jealous? he said he will but he will also trust that there's nothing cos he believe that i will not do anything to upset him, just like he wont do anything to upset me.

if u love someone.. u will feel jealous and petty.. if u dun feel anything, it will be abnormal.

he asked me what does i want him to do? yes, i can set alot of restrictions.. restrict him to be friendly. but.. would it be of any use?


im an okay girl.. i can be okay with anything, almost everything.
but there are certain things i cannot go along with.. or at times.. hate it.
sorry.. it may be plain jealousy.. a very stupid feeling i know i shouldnt have.. but i just cannot control myself.

爱你,
不是因为你的美和影
我越来越爱你,
每个眼神触动我的心
因为你让我看见forever
才了解自己,
未来这些日子
要好好珍惜

爱我
有些痛苦有些不公平
如果真的爱我
不是理所当然的决定
感到你的呼吸在我耳边
像微风深情
温柔的安抚,
我的不安定
所以我要
每年研究你的笑容
Wo~~
多么自然
forever love forever love
我只想用我这一辈子去爱你
从今以后,
你会是所有
幸福的理由

爱情,
是场最美最远的旅行
沿途遇经泥泞
偶尔阻碍我们的前进
感到你的体温在我怀里
像阳光和煦
巧妙的熔化
我的不安定
不可思议
证明我爱你的理由
WO
多么自然
forever love forever love
我只想用我这一辈子去爱你
从今以后,
你会是所有
幸福的理由
你感动的眼睛,
我沉默的声音,
仿佛就是最好的证明
就让我再说一次
Ilove you ~~
直到永远
oh
forever love forever love
我只想用我这一辈子去爱你
从今以后,
你会是所有
幸福的理由
forever love
forever love
forever love


thanks for the song.. i listen to it whenever i miss him.

he taught me how to play sudoku. now i am playing the intermediate stage and solving game by game.. yeah!

thanks for being with me. i never knew the feeling of being doted. a person whom i care for also cares very much for me. i like it when he takes the initiative to decide what food to order for me.

sat. went to ching hse. cos i felt like trying something amazing.. it was damn exp! but i just felt like trying it out and seeing the results thereafter (hopefully)..

woman.. are really pitiful.. we have to take care of our looks, body, figure.. but we still run the risk of losing our beloved.. hmm.. oh well, like what kit say, we should take care of ourselves for ourselves and not for other people!

met kit and yp at suntec. well, it was a belated birthday celebration for kit! went shopping around and we went chongqing steamboat for dinner! yummy! ate and slacked.. ate and slacked.. wasn't really full but just felt sick and tired of the same food.. hmm..

continued shopping.. and we decided to go for fish spa and foot reflex at kenko!! yeah.. massage again! i miss it.. the foot reflex was painful.. but i din make any sound.. i rem when i did it in BKK, i laughed and fidgeted so much till the masseur was laughing at me thereafter... *rolls eyes*

fish spa! my 1st time at it! it was... damn itchy!!! liew... i really regretted it.. or maybe not... but it was really itchy!!
well, it was good cos the fish was bitting off ur dead skin.. but still... i laughed all the way... i just couldn't stand the itch!! just imagine, they are bitting off the dead skin at ur feet sole.. which is ... ITCHY!!!

sleepy thereafter.. but we still slacked at carls junior.. cos traffic jam! well, it was NDP rehearsal.. and the cars were slow.. traffic was slow.. and so, we decided to wait for awhile before leaving..

left.. reached home at 12am plus.
tired. settled somethings and i went sleep.

i miss him. i wasn't really paying attention to the things happening around me. i just miss him..