i cant imagine what i am doing now is real..
i cant imagine i am knitting a scarf for him now.. omg..
i cant imagine i actually decide to knit one for him....

find myself.. so silly.
find myself.. so... unbelievable.

one who is never good at sewing, never good at handicrafts.
actually is doing knitting now....

***

i think i am overly stressed now.. thats why everything bad is happening.. sigh.. and its affecting my mood.

:(

so moody...

我真的真的很想他。这种感觉一天比一天更强烈。

我答应他我会尽量控制我的脾气。。
这几天一切都好，我们没有不开心，我也没发脾气。
很想就这样下去。。不想他不开心或为了我心烦。

好想抱他的感觉。
好想他牵我的手的感觉。
好想我们一起吃的感觉，我喂他，他喂我的时候。
好想他驾车时握我手的感觉。
我好想他。。。 。

我们会有童话般的爱情故事和结局吗？

i had a bad morning. reached office and i felt bad abt not staying back the previous day to do the work and i had no time to do the stuff that i had to do.

in the end, i rushed everything. almost almost, things din work out properly. i had a scare. but luckily.. it still worked out in the end. but i felt bad, felt bad abt owing the stuff for too long, felt bad when my officer came to ask, it was already at the very last minute.

i told him i had a bad day. he called me thereafter.
i din expect the call.. i thought he'll say something to cheer me up. i thought he'll do things like coming back earlier tonight to chat with me.. i thought he'll do somethings else. i din expect he'll call me.

i felt excited. i felt happy. although i sort of scolded him for calling me.. but i still felt sweet. we hanged up after a short while. but it made me smile for the whole day....

i heard his voice. everything else seems to disappear.. my mind was empty except for smiles smiles and more smiles...

woo.. i am going to start cover jes tmr.. for 5 days. and then another 5 days.
going to be busy.. :(

i am jus going to slog hard.. until the end of the year.
jiayou!

***

when walking home tdy after work.. i thought of the string of events.. i thought might as well note it down.. in case i forget in future.

Mar 2008 - i brought my parents to bangkok. he fetched us from the airport. brought us to massage and dinner. drove us back to the airport.

Apr 2008 to Jun 2008 - we started emailing. frequent emails. almost exchanged emails everyday. wondered why we din use msn then.. hahaha!

Jun 2008 - he asked me the qns. i reacted.. in a weird way. basically i wanted to tell him to give me more time. but he took it as i rejected him.

Jul 2008 to Jan 2009 - our emails were less frequent. probably once a week or even once every 2 weeks? i still had to remind him to reply at times... :(

Jan 2009 - ah boy was admitted to hospital. i was damn sad. i only sms him. i realised then.. i wanted nobody's concern except for his.

Jan 2009 to Jun 2009 - i wanted him back badly. i wanted to sms him to ask him that qns so many times but my sms din go out ultimately. i decided, i had to talk to him personally.

Jun 2009 - he was back. i had decided.. but din know how to approach that topic, dunno how to approach him. i wanted then hesitated. i thought.. in the end, i plucked up my courage.. only to use words again... i sms-ed him.

***

this should be saved. and remains in my blog.. as part of my memories. i wouldnt want to forget.

:)

pms. i am moody.

i wish i could leave everything and not be tied down and do what i want.. so that i wont be quarrelling with him every now and then.

really hate to see them quarrelling every now and then. hate to see ah boy being naughty and angering everyone. hate to hear quarrels. hate to be tied down by them...

hate to be unhappy. hate to then throw tantrums at him. hate to end our conversation unhappily. hate to sleep in tears....

he's right. everyday is jus like a pandora box. never know what is going to happen next. happy or unhappy. u never know....

here too. everyday is like a pandora box. everyday is different. somedays, i can be as happy as a bird. somedays, i can be as down as nobody's business.

everyone's takes me for granted. esp my sister. i dun owe her anything. i dun have a duty to take care of ah boy. and yet she's like taking me for granted.

我讨厌我自己，讨厌身边的一切。。

i never will know how busy or how stressed he is.. unless he tells me.

he'll never know how moody i am.. unless i tell him.

and then each of us will throw temper at each other. without knowing any background...


see? thats the reason why i dun sms him first. cos he wont reply sometimes.
if he sms me first, i would never not reply him...

我真的好开心。

越开心就越怕失去。

i took the lift with bernard when going home tdy. he went off first.

i looked at his back view. how i envy his wife and kids. he's a great man. he is a good mentor and good friend at work. i guess he must be a great husband, a great daddy.

***

i am getting paranoid. i am suspecting my dad's lying to me again. i gave him a sum of money before i went to BKK. he told me much of the money is now gone cos my mum kept asking for money. this sum of money is larger than the usual amount that i gave him every month. how come so fast.. i am begining to suspect. i am begining to not believe him...

he asked me to delete his photos.

i feel happy that he's jealous. really happy.
他开始在意我了。开始怕失去我了。:)

i went for my hair treatment. took cab home. i fell asleep in the cab. i dreamt that he was beside me. and i was lying on his shoulders :(

back to work. nice to see my colleagues again.

did i make a bad choice in skipping krabi?
i din fancy the nice island.. but i disappointed my good friends.

yp's not talking to me. is she going to be angry at me for long?
:(

i know she's not having a good time. but she's answering coldly to my questions.

did i really make a wrong choice? i dunno. i am confused.

yes i made a choice. but was it really wrong of me? was it....
i dunno.

leaving bkk today. woke up late. refused to wake up. refused to pack my bag. refused to leave him...

but.. we dun have a choice.
packed our stuff. wanted to go big c to buy some stuff and to his hse to pick up a CD for his sister and to have lunch with his mum. but we woke up late. no lunch with his mommy.

we had lunch. went big c to get some stuff.
and we were on our way to the airport.

i really couldnt bear to leave him. i couldnt control my tears. how i wish i could stay. how i wish i can stay by his side.

on e way to airport, i wanted to stop by other branches of big c to buy the sausages. but he was afraid i will be late. i wasn't afraid. i was happy when i saw traffic jam. but the traffic jams din last.

how i wish i can be late and miss the flight.. or better still, cannot go back singapore and blah.

anw.. what stupid thinking i had.
we still reached airport. checked in. waited to clear passport, clear hand-carry stuff and me off back home.

i really couldnt bear.
i think, he too, couldnt bear to see me leave. i sort of sensed that.

i was again the last passenger. the gate was closed, as shown on the screen. but i din run to the gate. i jus walked fast.

he kept saying we have a future. do we really have a future?
i feel insecure when he's not by my side.

tired. slept through the night. i had set my own alarm cos i thought he went to sleep without setting his own alarm. and so, we were awakened by my alarm.

i felt like being longer with him. asked him to stay longer. asked him not to go sch. oh well, he was late for sch by then. he din go sch.

felt bad abt him skipping class. but then... hmm..

breakfast at hotel. went to national science centre for education (bangkok planeterium). spent the day there. looking at things.

we had jap food at big c. did some last minute shopping. i wanted to catch the movie 2012 with him.

yeah i wanted to watch the movie.. and i finally go to do so with him!

but the cinema at big c din have the sofa seats we wanted and so we decided to go central world to watch instead.

we watched it at the first class cinema and chose the bed seats which were in the front rows of the cinema. well, that was the only seats left.

wwooo!! first class cinemas only have sofa seats, bean bags and beds, no normal seats!!

it was a nice movie. with kinda of nice ending.

the cinema was good. e seats were good. the show was good.
everything was good. it was a wonderful way to end my holiday.

Gu-En Thin = irritating in Thai.
I used 1 whole day to learn this word. but think i still cannot pronounce it properly...

it was our last night together...

i managed to wake up for breakfast! i am not sleepybones!

but diarrhoea. oh well, must be the ice cream the day before.

i went online. saw jetstar and airasia promotions. woo, tempted to book, but wondering what is his timetable for next year like.. hmm...

bathed and waited for him to come back. was feeling hyperactive and excited. but the wait became longer and longer. i was awake then sleepy then awake again. almost 3 hrs. i rec his call. he had meetings again. my excitement died.

din really want to be understanding.. argh!

met him. went to the bangkok planeterium. wanted to see stars. but we were too late for the stars show. well, walked around the 'science centre'.

i din really talk to him. i was moody.. again.

had lunch at some cake cafe. had my fried beef with basil leaves and rice.

my back was aching. we decided to go healthland for thai massage. i finally asked him why he was late tdy. he told me abt the meetings. was feeling pissed off. but he had tried to leave earlier but couldnt. that he din have food or went toilet then he came back for me.

oh well. suddenly guilty. couldnt understand myself why i couldnt understand his situation.

went for movie and dinner at central world. watched the law abiding citizen. had dinner at central world foodcourt. had spicy beef noodle soup, fried oyster, pork kunckles, curry chicken laksa noodles.

all the food was damn nice.. !

e movie was scary. he fell asleep. he was really tired.

he went sch. i was supposed to get up and have breakfast. but i slept until he came back from sch.

he rem that he said something like me going for somebody else if i were to find someone nicer. he said he wan to take back the words now. i smiled when i heard that. well, it definitely meant something. he is begining to be afraid of losing me. :)

went out ard 2pm. had kfc at a nearby shopping centre near hotel. slacked around and we were on our way to his uni. he had to attend a workshop from 5pm to 7pm. and so, he had plans to place me in computer lab where i could pass time while he attended his workshop.

but alas, i got chased out of the computer lab after 15 minutes. the caretaker said that outsiders weren't supposed to use the computer lab. and so, i ended up sitting outside the computer lab. falling asleep and waking up soon after. wanted to sms him, but i found that useless and din want to disturb him also.

i slacked. thereafter i got entertained by a few girls, who were practising some dance. well, i love to see dance.

and soon he came to fetch me. we left the room. i saw him acknowledging the few girls. well, he knew them. he din hold my hands when we left the room. i just walked behind him.

i was pretty upset over that. i dun like it when i dun feel the acknowledgement from him. i already felt unwanted when i got chased out of the computer lab. and now, i felt i was unwanted by him. he din acknowledge me as his gf when we left the room, infront of his friends. what was i behind him? friend? sister? or some stranger? or some follower following him?

when i felt upset, i really dun feel like talking to him. he was upset that i was ignoring him.

we talked before we went out of the car. he said he felt shy. afraid of the gossip that will come.

till now, i still couldnt understand what kind of gossip he was afraid of. hmm. well, i guess every person has their own likes and dislikes, will-dos and will-not-dos.

i cried in the car. i was upset. but i was even more afraid that he was upset. i wanted to let things pass, but deep down, i was really upset. he promised to hold my hands wherever we are, whoever we are infront of in future.

i was glad that we talked it out. it din make the night bad. if it did, i'll feel super guilty. thats what i like abt him. he is that patient with me, 'forcing' me in a way to talk things out, to say the things i feel and all my unhappiness.

he will go all out to solve any problems between us and he will be there to listen to me, to talk to me, and to advise me.

we watched movie at siam paragon. bangkok traffic love story. thai movie with english subtitles.

a simple and touching love story. i cried towards the end. wet his shirt sleve.

in the show, it said something like loving someone doesnt mean having to meet the person everyday. loving someone assures you that you are being loved.

very meaningful.

i had haigen diaz ice cream. yummy!!

went to get supper after the movie. bought bbq food at the roadside stalls at central world. back to hotel. ate and slept.

a night full of tears. i was counting down. 2 more days.

wasnt sure if i made a good choice in not going krabi. it was a hard one. i did it. not sure of the consequences though. dunno if yp is still angry with me. i hope she is enjoying herself. i really hope she will understand me. i know its not good. i know it seems like i am over my bf over everything else. but everyday, every hour, every minute counts to us.

if he is with me everyday, i wouldnt have made this choice, forsaking my sisters. but fact is he is not. it will be another 2-3 months before we can meet again.

i really hope they can understand.

we woke up in the afternoon.

yp was disappointed that i wasn't going krabi. i know it is bad. i know it is spoilsport. i struggled long and hard before coming to that decision. i guess its all about choices and blah. i dun wish to find any excuses for myself, i am really sorry abt it.

i just wanted to do what i feel like doing. i really din feel like caring much. i've been tied up by alot of things. i dunno how to describe, but to me, time with him is really impt and precious.

by the time we got ready and prepared to go out, it was already 6pm.

we had jap food at mbk. finally we had food. shopped around and we went central world to join his friends for drinks.

finally saw his friends. a young and active lot. very friendly too. and.. handsome lot of guys. too bad i din take photo of them.

the sweetest thing was when they dedicate song to us using his name. it was a love song. that was pretty sweet.. of them.

we went back at 12am. ate cup noodles before bed.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6aV3r0ZDKOU&feature=related

"Yoot" by Groove Riders
________________________________________
หยุด "Yoot" by Groove Riders

ฉันนั่งยิ้มลำพัง หัวเราะลำพัง สดชื่นกว่าทุกครั้งที่ผ่านมา
chan nang yim lam-pang hua-ror lam-pang sot-chuen gwaa took krang tee paan-maa
I sat and smiled by myself, laughed by myself, happier than at any time that had passed.


ตั้งแต่ได้พบกับเธอนั้น เรื่องจริงกับความฝัน เกิดขึ้นด้วยกันทันตา
dtang-dtae daai pop gap ter nan reuang jing gap kwaam-fan gert-keun duay-gan tan-dtaa
Ever since being able to meet you, reality and fantasy, happened simultaneously and instantly.

*ฉันอยากจะหยุดเวลานี้ ตั้งแต่วินาที ที่ชีวิตมีเธอเข้ามา
* chan yaak-ja yoot wea-laa nee dtang-dtae wi-na-tee tee chee-wit mee ter kao-maa
* I want to stop this moment, from the second that my life had you entering it.


เธอทำให้คนที่เหนื่อยล้า นั้นกล้าจะเปิดหัวใจ
ter tam-hai kon tee neuay-laa nan glaa ja bpert hua-jai
You made the weary person, dare to open up his heart.


** หยุด หยุดชีวิต หยุดกับคนนี้ แม้ว่าใครจะดีสักแค่ไหน
** yoot yoot chee-wit yoot gap kon-nee mae-waa krai ja dee sak kae-nai
** Stop, stop life, stop with this person, even if others will be however good.


หยุด หยุดความรัก ทั้งหัวใจ จะหยุดอยู่กับเธอคนเดียว
yoot yoot kwaam-rak tang hua-jai ja yoot yoo gap ter kon-dioew
Stop, stop love, wholeheartedly, will stop with you alone.


ฉันนั้นรู้ทันที และรักทันที เธอคือความโชคดีที่เข้ามา
chan nan roo tan-tee lae rak tan-tee ter keu kwaam-chohk-dee tee kao-maa
I knew instantly, and love instantly, you are the good fortune that came to me.


ตั้งแต่ได้พบกับเธอนั้น ชีวิตเหมือนความฝัน ที่เกิดขึ้นตอนลืมตา
dtang-dtae daai pop gap ter nan chee-wit meuan kwaam-fan tee gert-keun dton leum-dtaa
Ever since being able to meet you, life is like a dream, that happens when I open my eyes.

(*) ( **)

หยุดอยู่ตรงนี้ หยุดแล้ว...
yoot yoo dtrong-nee yoot laew..
Stop right here, stopped already ...

(**) (**) (**) (**)

i woke up. i was still upset. i din talk to him. had breakfast with him. but i din talk to him. he wanted to drive me to wherever i wanted to go. but i told him i'll go myself.

asked him to leave first. he actually left when i asked him to go.. argh!

he went sch. i went mbk. shopped around. he sms me, he was feeling bad abt making me upset. he was feeling guilty.

he felt guilty again. i guess he felt that cos he din really bring me to anywhere cos he needed to study and attended class. i guess.. he din want me to treat my friends as substitute for me when he is not around.

went platinum to meet kitty and friends. went shopping. but i din get anything.
well at that time, i decided to let him drive kitty and friends around and to have dinner together. i was thinking.. to skip krabi.

he din do well for his paper. i felt abit guilty. he din feel good abt that.

he drove them to mbk. we had Mk for dinner. shopped around. then on our way to khao san. then lastly to chinatown for birds nests. then we drove kitty and friends back to hotel.

he decided to drive me to see stars!
and i decided not to go krabi.. i wanted to stay more with him. i jus cannot bear to leave him.

it was a long long drive. we drove out of bangkok. to the rural areas. where it was dark and more possible to see stars.

stopped by petrol stations for toilet break, 7-11 for food.

it was starry starry night. though it wasnt that kind of whole-sky covered with stars.. but i was super touched. very happy and touched.

the efforts he put in.. the part he drove and drove just to bring me see stars.. such a long distance, i was already very touched. enough to make me feel that he will be the one for me, and that i could leave myself to him.

he was tired when we were going back. we stopped by petrol stations and slept for awhile. he was really tired. finally we reached hotel.

we had breakfast. bathed and slept. we needed rest, especially him.

he was supposed to have class the whole day. but.. i pestered him not to go for classes. he decided to skip his morning class and go for the afternoon class instead.

we were still in bed when we heard somebody knocking on our door. it was the kids. wanted to open but i guess it was too late. and so we decided not to open the door.

bathed and we went down for breakfast. my stomach was giving me problems again.

we saw the kids at the hotel lobby. he played computer games with the boy. checked his sch website and realised that his afternoon class was cancelled. yeah, he had no class for the day!

the boy wanted to go to our room. but he had told him to tell his parents first. and so, we went back to our room first. he studied.

the kids joined us thereafter. they came to say goodbye. they were leaving.
mona and mac. from laos. very cute kids. dunno if i'll have the chance to see them again.




he studied. i wanted him to study abit more but we had to go out cos the cleaner had to clean our room.

went to eat teppanyaki buffet. the food was alot. we couldnt finish. felt super full.

went to emporium. there was a public library. he studied in the library. and i went shopping.

the library was closing. and so we left. kitty called. we arranged to meet the next day afternoon at platinum. i din really want to meet them for dinner cos it was our last night together and i wanted us to spend it together, only the 2 of us. and so, i told kitty i'll join them for the afternoon but not the night-time.

we walked out of the library. i felt he was moody. kept asking what was wrong but he refused to say. but the feeling was super strong. i really felt he was moody. and so i pestered. he finally said.

he felt bad, felt sian cos he felt he was the cause of me forsaking kitty and me not meeting her. to meet her only in the afternoon and to forsake her after he finished his exam.

my heart ached. i chose to do that because i wanted us to have some private time together. afterall, it was our last night together. and his response is what i got in return.

aren't he as upset as me if we cannot spend some private time together? or it doesnt matter to him? i was upset.

i din talk to him thereafter. i was super upset. i know what i had planned was selfish. but i dun really want to do that if i had a choice. i guess kitty would understand. in the end, it turned out that he was the one who couldnt understand.

he fell asleep on the table. i realised it therefter he purposely slept on the table. i asked him to sleep on the bed.

it was a quiet night. both of us wasnt talking.

he din have class tdy. we woke up late.

he rec his mommy's call. she asked us to go back to his place for lunch cos auntie doris had cooked nasi lemak.

we bathed and we were on our way to his house. finally, i get to go to his house. hahaha.. pretty excited. interested to see his house, the place he stayed in, his room and the area around his house.

we reached. saw his dad and mommy, auntie doris uncle ong and her niece and her bf (i guess). we had lunch together.

we spent the afternoon at his house. i was playing computer. and he was dozing off and studying.

his mommy came up thereafter. asked if i was bored. asked why i din stay at their place. and that i din have to be paiseh abt it. and that i could save alot by staying in their hse and so i could fly more frequently. i thought that was pretty sweet of her. :)

and with that, i lost the bet. we had bet earlier that his mommy wouldnt ask me why i din stay at their place. and my stake was that she wouldnt ask. hahaha, i lost the bet.

went for dinner at some seafood restaurant. it was a big group. and they had the ktv and stage thingy at the dinner-place.

the food was good. the company was good. the talks were funny.

and after the dinner, he went up stage to sing. sang 2 english songs and 2 thai songs.

first time i heard him sing thai songs. it was good. although i couldnt understand but the whole song felt good. and it felt as if i fell in love with him again.

and with that, we ended the night.

went back hotel. ate ice cream on our way back.

saw the 2 kids at the hotel lobby. they were playing computer. woo, hi!! so happy to see them again!

he went sch. i woke up, had breakfast at hotel. decided to get the complimentary internet access. checked email and played facebook.

attracted a young boy and his younger sister as well thereafter. they were very cute and they kept speaking thai to me. although i couldnt understand them, but they were very cute and somehow, we just managed to communicate a little through some hand language and some simple english.

i had used the 1 hr. and i was to go back to my room. they followed me to my room. and then one of the hotel staff came knocking on my door, told me that she was the auntie of these 2 kids, and that the parents had left them in her care, they had to go out and do somethings. i told her it was okay to leave them in my room.

i gave them tibits and sweets. switched on the tv for them. tuned to the cartooon channel. then i went bathed.

they disappeared when i came out of the bathroom. but they came back not long after. they had went to buy tibits. played with my hp game. ate the tibits and of course, we did some talking although i dun understand them and i am sure they dun understand me as well.. hahahaha. but it was good having them around.

he came back. he was surprised at the kids. i wanted to bring them out for lunch. but he wasn't really comfortable. anyway the auntie came and brought them away.

we went to have lunch. had japanese food. cha soba, grilled fish, fried scallops and chicken.

we wanted to go back hotel after lunch. he needed to study. but traffic jam. we watched the movie, notting hill, in the car.

by the time we reached near our hotel, it was near dinner time. and so we decided to eat dinner before we went back hotel. ate chester's grill at some shopping centre near our hotel.

then back to the hotel. he needed to study.

he had sch. i woke up and had breakfast alone. waited for him to come back.

spent my time watching tv and solving the sudoku, a book that he bought for me. hahaha.. i love sudoku!

it was a long wait. he was stuck in traffic jam. my stomach was giving me problems. i had fallen asleep when he came back. we went out. walked to pratunam area where we had yong-tau-fu alike food at the pratunam foodcourt. i wanted us to walk and not drive. i could hug him and hold his hands while walking.

walked and walked. i wanted to get him his birthday present but i seriously had no idea. had a few ideas actually but i had guessed that he wouldnt like it. and so, i had to crack my brain again.

went to pantip plaza, central world. but i still couldnt find a suitable present for him.

had my favourite chicken wings at central world. we din really walk till very late. he had to go back and study. we took a cab back to hotel.

happy birthday to me!! and.. i am flying today! received birthday wishes from my friends.. thankies!!

i woke up late. rushed to bathe and packed my stuff.

my mum was throwing temper before i left. oh well, i just din managed to say a proper goodbye to her and ah boy.

i took the mrt to the airport. lucky me, it wasn't too crowded on the mrt. and so, i was alone to the airport.

kept looking at the time. i was afraid i would be late, missing the check-in time. wanted to alight halfway and take cab.. but after much thinking, i thought it would be better if i just took the mrt.

rushed to the skytrain to T1 when i reached the airport. walked super fast.

rushed to the check-in counter. lucky. i wasn't late. there wasn't any queue either.

went through the gate. the security guard wished me happy birthday after checking my passport. kekeke, nice one!

had breakfast alone. and then i was waiting to board the plane. travelling alone for the 2nd time wasn't scary. but kinda bored.



the clouds in singapore when i left.

and.. i finally touched down at BKK. hahaha! happy! i could see him.. finally.. after a long wait!

i was feeling super hungry. and it was a long walk to the immigration. super long walk. and then, there was super long queue at the immigration counter.

and finally, i was out.
anxious. excited. now, where is door number 3?

and it was walking again. the numbers just decreased as i walked. i was damn excited. where is door number 3 and where is he??

finally reached door number 3. alot of people. i dun see him. and i dun see him. and suddenly, someone jus grabbed my luggage from behind. it was him!

finally i saw him. finally.. i saw him!!

but i was hungry. very hungry. grabbed a chicken puff at the aiport. and we walked to the carpark. it was cool weather that day, abt 27 degree celsius. i wondered if the cool weather would lasts..

he drove me to some restaurant near the airport. we had steak, pasta, fried seafood.

the food always tastes nice with him around. and i loved to see him eat.

pestered him to have a car wash. his car was really dusty.. and dusty. hahaha!

he drove. kept looking out for auto car wash on the way to the hotel. but it was all manual car wash. oh well, in the end, we settled at some manual car wash.

reached hotel. we checked in. and i wanted him to have a rest. he din sleep alot the night before.

we slept till quite late. went out to have macdonalds. the weather was still quite cool, abt 23 degrees celsius.

we went back hotel. he had to study for his upcoming exam on sunday. i went ahead to sleep.

he had put my present in the car. hoping that i would discover it by surprise. well, it sort of worked out. because i said i wanted to spot check his car to see if there was any "illegal" stuff around.. lol.

it was a simple day. but with him around, everything just seemed so beautiful. and i was happy, happy to spend the day with him. it was a wonderful birthday.

thanks dear.