tremors!

i worked till late tdy. at abt 6pm+, i suddenly feel dizzy. i thought i was feeling giddy.. again. until moon called me and asked me if i felt giddy.. told me that the whole building was shaking and that things infront of her was swaying from left to right...

OMG.. earthquake in sumatra. and so, we felt the tremors..

i received an invitation today. it was from an insurance agent, one of my agents when i was working as a secretary for my ex-boss (insurance agency leader) few years back... invited me to a gathering. he said he was gathering all the other agents and few other secretaries.. LOL! so excited! its been a long time since i met them...

and guess what? the invitation was addressed to joey. and my mum asked if it was me.. ah ya.. this agent of mine gave me that name. he said it suited me and so gave me that name. i still rem that year when i left them, he gave me a birthday card, addressing to joey as well... hahaha...

its my third time! and i.. finally passed!!
YEAH! Yipeeeeee...

i guess i was lucky. the test route was short. and whenever i wanted to change lanes, the other cars just gave way. hahaha! anw.. im just glad that i finally passed! no need to waste any more money already!!

brought boy for checkup tdy. well, his blood test reflected 7.9%.. the nurse said as long as it was below 8.0, it is considered good! hmm...

on leave the entire day. but i was busy the entire day. tired...

i think he's stressed. over his upcoming exams. hmm..
im worried. i hope.. he doesnt get too stressed.
i dunno how to help. i can only give him support.. morally. i hope that works.

relax! i'll give him all the luck i have....

ting's ROM. reached her house at 12pm+. her friends were already there.

the white table.. the solemisation ceremony took place at her balcony.

the solemiser reached. and they said the vows.

--
Mr__________ and Ms ___________ , do I understand that you are here of your own free will, for the purpose of becoming man and wife?

(Couple answers in affirmation, i.e. YES)

Before you are joined in matrimony, it is my duty to remind you of the solemn and binding character of the vows you are about to make. Marriage according to law, is the union of one man and one woman voluntarily entered into for life, to the exclusion of all others.

To Groom:

Do you, _________, take this woman ___________, to be your wedded wife, to live together in the legal estate of matrimony?

Answer: I DO

Will you love her, comfort her, honour and keep her, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, be faithful to her, as long as you both shall live.

Answer: I WILL

To Bride:

Do you, _________, take this man ___________, to be your wedded husband, to live together in the legal estate of matrimony?

Answer: I DO

Will you love him, comfort him, honour and keep him, in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, be faithful to him, as long as you both shall live.

Answer: I WILL




Option 1:

In token and pledge, of our constant faith,
and abiding love, with this ring,
I marry you.

Option 2:

In sickness, I will nurse you to health.
In health, I will nurture you.
In sadness, I will bring you joy.
In happiness, I will share it with you.
In poverty, I will make our love rich.
In wealth, our love will not grow poor.
When you need encouragement, it will be from me,
When you need a helping hand, it will be mine.

With this ring as a token, I now marry you.

Option 3:

I vow to always keep my love, as pure as it is today.
In your laughter, and your tears, in your sickness, and your health.
In your comfort, and your fears, in your proverty and your wealth.
I promise to be true to you, I promise to cherish you.

With this ring as a token, I now marry you.
--

pretty interesting ah? i got this from my cousin. hahaha!
i guess option 1 is the shortest and the easiest to say! LOL..

and then.. it was time for food. as usual, with all my aunties and all the young kids running around...

my cousin told me, the bigger the size of the ring, e more expensive it is.. LOL..

*****

really missed him.
im looking forward to nov. but at the same time, im afraid of nov to come. so afraid that it will come and go.....
it will be only 4 days. and after that, i gotto wait for dunno-how-long before we can meet again.

and remembering that he has to go for the camp... im jus overwhelmed with sadness.
i feels like going. but i guess my existence would be a hindrance to him. i am bad at being friendly. i am bad at taking care of myself. with me going, he would be doubly busy, busy with the overall camp and busy with me as well....

but.. if i dun go, my xmas, my new year would be a lonely one. i wont even have his company in the online world.

i think.. i already know what to give him for his birthday..

"u make me love u more n more each day...."

woke up at 6am+. met him at 7.30am. had breakfast and went to bank to get a replacement of atm card.

he asked me to keep the card for him. i was happy abt it. i dunno how to explain but i am really happy abt it.

walked to the mrt station. on our way to vivo. he needed to get mooncakes before he left.

dunno why.. e time was passing very fast. we got our mooncakes. and we were on our way to the airport.

e way to the airport was torturous. i wanted to cry but no tears came out. i wanted time to stop.. i wanted the train to break down so that he could miss his flight and blah, we could have few more hours together... blah blah blah, full of crappy thinking.

and suddenly.. it dawned on me that, his family would be there at the airport as well. sharks, i started to get nervous.

i usually dun bother abt how ppl look at me. but this time, i really bother. really stressed over how they will look at me. how i will behave, how i will fare. how they will think.......

and so.. we met. they checked in. within minutes, they went in.
he left, without anything. it was back to words again.

went for lunch with his mummy and sis. we went budget terminal. his mum needed to get air ticket to fly back early.


his mum said alot abt him. he dunno how to say no to people. generous. dun smoke. but he dunno how to save money. and that whenever she buy food and puts in fridge, it'll be gone before she knows it. LOL..

at times she wakes up at 5am+.. wanted to wake him up (suppposed to be up at 6aM) but she just dun bear cos she wants him to sleep more.

she badly wants him to learn more abt the business.. but he's always so busy, so tired, always reaching home late.

the more nice things she say abt him.. e more i feel not worthy. he's the only son of her. she obviously wants the best for her son. can i give him the best....?

"when will it be until we fly together and not see each other off? can't wait for that day to come."

i wondered he meant travelling together.. or something else.
"I really can't wait for the day where we will be staying at the same place..... then go where oso go together...."

back to work. jes had taken leave for today. had to see if elmo and the rest could help cover my work for half a day.

busy. super busy in the morning. took half day. my stomach was acting up again. diarrhoea in the morning. feeling.. super nausea thereafter. probably i was too nervous?

met him at the mrt station. he was waiting. we went clementi subway for lunch. but i had no appetite. i really wanted to go. but given my state, i knew i wasnt able to eat my meals happily. i would have difficulty.

and so.. i decided not to go. i guess it was rude if i din finish the food on the table, infront of a table of new strangers.

and so.. i decided to send him back to his house. i jus wanted to spend more time with him.

went home on bus 99 myself. i felt super sad on the bus. i dunno why. i cried. i felt i was alone again. and i blamed myself for being so useless. if i was good and well, i could acc him to the dinner.

reached home. rested. took my dinner.

i wanted to see him.. badly.

he called. at 9+. he had finished his dinner. i wanted to meet him. just wanted to meet him.

met him at harbourfront. realised he lost his wallet when we were abt to board the bus.

backtracked all the way back.. to find the missing wallet. but hmm couldnt be found. the wallet is of sentimental value to him. i was hoping he could retrieve that.. hmm..

went to hort park. its really a long pathway. we gave up halfway.

took cab home. it was late. and he is to go back e next day....

public holiday. we arranged to meet at 10am. and to be out for the whole day!!

i waited downstairs for him. called him. realised that he lost his way to my hse. i looked for him. guessed he was at the marketplace.

i was at the traffic light. he was walking towards the traffic light. i saw him and something else... sunflowers! my favourite.. OMG.. i was happy. but at the same time, feeling paiseh for him.. OH oh.. jus.. so sweet....

i brought the sunflowers and the things he bought for us back home. took my bag and yeah, we were out!

breakfast at imm. roti prata and nasi lemak. walked around. and we walked to jurong east mrt. wanted to show him the new orchard.

his brother called. asked him to bring me along to their sis's rom the next day. he asked me. i had mixed emotions. i want to go, because i want to spend every minute that we could. hesitated because his sis din do the invitation. and most imptly, his parents din say anything as well.

confused..

anw, we headed to orchard. it was also.. confusing. orchard ion was huge. and.. we just walked round and round.

lucky plaza for brunch. had yong tau fu laksa, roasted and white chicken. yummy! ice kacang thereafter.

walked down to orchard central. a nice building that we liked. wanted to show him that the shops were almost all up. the japanese restaurant, always wanted to try, always wanted to feel how it will be like to be seated outside, eating. the view would be very nice and romantic bah.

but too bad, we had just eaten.

walked around. and found a place to rest.

he was explaining all his sms-es and photos to me. 175 photos in all. he looked through one by one. sms, also one-by one. explained.
actually i din open his inbox, i din open his gallery as well.

walked to plaza sing for ramen. his sis called him. asked me to go to her ROM. i was invited. i was happy. but i had a problem. i had to cover jes the next day. i had to see if elmo and the others were available to help cover. and so, i left to fate. if they were around to cover my duties, that means i could go.

went back taka square. bought mooncakes for his mums. we took bus home. walked home thereafter. went to find mopiko for his mum. walked alot. my kneecaps were hurting, badly.

woke up early. went for breakfast. i bought my baking soda!

proceeded back home. to try a second time at my cookies receipe!

but but.. i failed again. dunno why, it turned out to be soft inside when its supposed to be hard. arghh.. i cannot get my cookies out....

gave up.. prepared my porridge ingredients instead. he's reaching in a few hrs time! ho ho!

porridge cooking time! with my mum's help this time. kept stirring, kept adding water. i also prepared his fav century egg and youtiao!

finally.. his sms came in. ho ho!!

waited for his call. although i hated waiting. was so afraid that my porridge would turn cold.

he's back! we met. i gave him e porridge. he was touched, i guess. and he finished it!

went vivo watched "the ugly truth". we had burger king. probably too excited abt meeting him. my stomach acting up again. i had no appetite for food. quick dinner.

we took a walk after the movie. we took bus home. and we walked home. chatted at somewhere near my blk until 2am+.

i really missed him alot. meeting him again.. i am happy. very happy.

i cooked porridge! with my dad's help. boy was helpful. he finished his bowl of porridge and kept saying nice!

he's my all-time fan!! hahaha..

finally found my cookies recipe. i copied down the recipe. bought the ingredients, hoping to bake so that he could bring it back home.

but but.. i failed! sharks.. my guess was, probably it was the baking powder instead of baking soda.

dinner at hey hey hotpot! it was a birthday celebration for vincent as well. gaius was there, and so, we had lots of fun..

and ya! we managed to sell off all our bears yesterday! yeah.. so happy.
so excited.. when we do the costing next week, we will be able to know how much funds exactly we have raised for charity! ho ho!!

my kneecap's hurting again.

he's excited abt meeting me again.
me too! happy, excited. i just cannot contain my happiness this week, whether at work or at home.
*SMILES

he told me he's going for the camp again.
sigh.. again. its another few nights of silence.. no-news from him days..
:(
but does he really know the real reason of me being upset? i just hate those days where i dun hear from him at all.. i dun mind an email, a sms or even a 15 mins msn chat..

it is never my intention to purposely dampen the happy conversation or to be upset or even to make him upset or unhappy.. but i jus wanted to voice out, i needed to voice out.

im so afraid that if i continue to do that, he will stop from telling me things or telling me the truth in future.. and by keeping the truth from me, its gonna make things worse..

its not that he's the cause of my unhappiness or he is always making me upset.
he got it all wrong.


even if i feel lonely, or how much i cry for him.. e amount of happiness that i felt over these few months.. overrides everything.
and its probably the happiest of me, e most 幸福的日子 of my life。。

i am counting down.. i am excited.

i wonder.. how much time will he allocate to me.. ? and.. what does he feel like doing?

reached office early. did my stuff. and very soon, we were soon packing our stuff, ready to go comtech!!

and so.. we set up our stall. placed our stuff. and we were ready to sell!!

ppl came and went.. well, sales wasnt too bad...

thereafter we came up with a different strategy. we decided to go direct selling, door to door sales. and yeah.. we took our stuff and went selling.

sales were good! things were sold out very fast.. we were happy! hahaha..

it was abt 5pm+ when we finished.. hahahha, supposed to go back office at 3pm. opps... lucky we got our boss with us. lol!

we were really tired. but we were all happy with our sales results..

ho ho ho.. well-done!!

went for my photography class. yp's brother wanted to drive us there, last minute.
i got nervous.. her brother, i was afraid he might lose temper if he were wait for me... so i rushed.. and rushed.

lucky.. i was waiting for them and not vice versa.. phew!

well.. the class was pretty interesting. but the instructor was going too fast.. din have time to take down notes.

went for a free massage! yeah.. we were at orchard area.

remember the orchard central that me and him went? it was still undone that time.. but now, the shops are up.. and very pretty.

reached home. tired. excited abt the bazaar at comtech tmr...
;)

went for my last class. the afternoon was hot and sunny.

i had beef. something which i haven ate for ages.. tasted good!

wanted to bake biscuits. couldnt find the recipe i wanted.. couldnt remember what ingredients i had at home. and so.. i din went ahead with it.

he's sick. im worried. i feel upset.. im just unable to take care of him..

we had our 2nd charity bazaar today.

hmm sales was good, considering the 2nd time that we were selling at the same place again..

well, excited abt going to comtech next monday. quite rush, quite last minute, but colleagues were helpful..

packed up. went back office. counted stock, tally the accounts, discussed abt the bazaar next monday..

cleared at 7+.. i was tired. and so, i decided to skip class.

im happy.

i hope he does gets his surprise! and i hope he WILL be surprised!!

i was trying to get some sleep while on the bus just now..

i shut my eyes.

i suddenly remembered my times in BKK, where we ate some yong tau fu-look-alike stuff.. and he tried to steal my food and even distracted me.

but i was slow, din realise that he was actually trying to steal my cuttlefish away.. 1st time, 2nd time, 3rd time, then only i realised...

stupid. he must be exclamining in his heart, how come this girl got such slow reaction??

i laughed.. at myself.

i dunno the meaning of love. is love supposed to make one feel neglected?

if there was love, there would be a sms before he left, when he was there, when he came back.. or maybe his sms wont be that cold, freezing cold.

am i expecting too much again? am i demanding again?

i dunno what he can do to make me feel better. i dunno if i am greedy or he din do much.

i showed him all the attention, care & concern.. but who's going to show me the attention i need?

im also a woman.
i need attention, i need love, i need care and concern, in whatever forms...

i dunno if im worth anybody's attention, but i do need that.

can he like.. show me attention? can he like let me know that he does loves me very much?

u can be loving one day.. but can be as cold as ice the next day. i really hate to see your sms. cos your sms are always cold.
u fly me up to the sky one moment.. and dragged me down the next moment...

sometimes i wished.. we weren't in a rship.
if we weren't together, i wouldnt have expectations of him. he wont be obligated to meet my expectations. and then, i wont be upset cos he's not obligated. and he wont be upset too. and he can be a happy man he used to be.

how i miss e happy man.. how i used to envy this happy man in his happy town.
but the happy man has gone missing ever since he got together with me.

i need company. i need him by my side. he's not able to be by my side. but at least by talking to me at night?

i remembered.. i raised this topic with chris before..
he said to me "so.. what was life before me?"

hmm, so what was life for me before a guy came into my life? why is it that i had to be so dependent on the guy who enters my life?

he was telling me not to be independent on him.. to give him the life he wants, to give him the freedom he needs.. and he'll only find me when he wants to.
and that i need to have my own life too.. without him.

i feel that.. im always in a rship where i feel im giving alot, more than the other party. i give out my all to him and yet, i cannot feel his love for me. its like im trying to earn all his love, through all my stupid efforts. but earning one's love is 1 thing, whether or not the person truly loves me is another story.

i put in effort.. am willing to scarifice.. not knowing if it'll bring any good outcome, not knowing if it'll work out.

im tired. tired of loving people. tired of thinking if he loves me that much.

I wanted so badly a sms from him, to say that he's safely back....

But no... I dun see anything...

bo chap mode

morning. i went for my driving. been 3 weeks since my 2nd failure.
i realised, i din update my 2nd driving test failure.

i feel down.

i din do well at my driving lesson tdy.
i thought i could do well. i keep telling myself i can do it. i tried to give myself confidence. but still, it din turn out to be well. not what i expected it to be.

i tried all i could to improve my health. spent money. controlled my diet which meant giving up the food i loved.
i thought by doing all these, i could improve my health. but it doesnt seem to be working. i feel so helpless.
i dunno what else i can do.

i thought i could accept his character. i thought i could give him e freedom he wants. i thought i could accept the fact that he is surrounded by alot of girls. i thought i could accept his busy schedule, his popularity with people. i thought i could tame my jealousy.
i saw a photo in fb again. my tears haven been listening to me recently..

i never liked teambuilding. i never liked hanging out with my department. but im being labelled unfriendly when i dun join the activities. i rem how much i regretted when i missed last year's teambuilding and heard abt the much fun they had.
in order not to be labelled as unfriendly and in order not to miss the fun again, i decided to join.
i thought i could do it. i thought i will be able to enjoy.
but whats the point of fun when it din made me happy in the first place?

i wanted myself to be the one whom others wanted me to be.
i wanted myself to be the smart one whom all my loved ones can be proud of me.
i wanted myself to be the best gf, the most understanding one, the most reasonable gf.

i thought i could do it. i really wanted myself to do it. i wanted myself to have all the confidence in the world.

我撑的好辛苦。我好想放弃。

feels like giving up.. on everything.

我不想管了。。

i dun wan to force myself to do the things i dun like.
i dun wan to force myself to accept the things i dun like.

********

loving someone means giving him the best of myself.
if i cannot give him the best of myself, i rather not have him by my side.

i really think he will be better off without me.
without me, he wont feel upset when i feel upset, he doesnt have to change his character, he doesnt have to think abt what i feels when he does certain things, he can do the things he fancy, and i guess he will be a much more happier person....

and most definitely, he can find a better someone.
someone who is of better looks, better character and better health than me...

yes, i am feeling loved. i like his recent email. i was feeling super touched. but yet, i felt like laughing at his silliness. i really love it when i see him doing things for me which made him look silly.

BUt.. i am really scared of feeling happy. i am afraid that my happiness would be short-lived. i am scared of losing that happiness, that 幸福的感觉. i am afraid that when HE sees me happy, HE may just snatch it away from me..

******

i really have no self confidence. i really feel like giving up cos i cant give him the best of myself.

its not that i dun want to give him.. but its outside of my ability. its something which i cannot control....

i feel so helpless....

our charity bazaar starts today!

reached office. rushed out the order form.

and our bazaar officially starts! woo.. thanks to my friends in trustee.. they fully shown their support. reached even before i reached.. hahahah!!

and so.. it was rush.. then stop.. then rush again.. and finally, we closed at 3pm.

went back office. we were super tired. i had to do my own office work. but had to tally the stock and accounts at the same time..

went for class at night. luckily, the speaker was damn funny. i managed to stay awake.

slept. i was tired.

he went stayed over at his friend's hse. nearer to the airport.

supposed to have a last talk with him before he went.. i waited. i was damn tired, after so many late nights and acupuncture today. i sms him, he said he wasnt free yet. and so, i stayed online, waited for him.

i fell asleep. but my laptop was on. i opened my eyes every now and then, hoping to see a message from him...

the feeling of waiting.. is.. i dunno how to describe.
i was waiting, opened my eyes.. only to be disappointed.

1am.. 2am. time jus passed. still no news from him.

at last.. a sms from him. a long one. but it felt cold.

i was disappointed.. once again.

he told me.. he had to go to the survey this weekend.

i was upset. i was disappointed. i just couldnt stand the thought of not talking to him at night, not hearing from him for 1 or more days.

he said i was his priority. he had thought of me first when he was asked to go. and if i said no, i would be putting him in a difficult position.

he wanted me to feel really comfortable first before he went ahead with booking the air tickets and everything else.

and so, it was only for my information.. it wasnt a question, asking for my yes or no.

*****

talking to him at night, is the only thing we can do. i really cherish the times where we talk at night. especially when i can see the effort put in by him. he logs on even if he is feeling tired, feeling sleepy or even about to doze off, just to talk to me. and sometimes, if i say i want to continue the chat, he would say that he go wash face, just to let me continue and he could stay awake.

and night time is the only time we could talk. and i dun like it when anyone or anything else were to snatch the only night time we have. unless its for work or studies, which are valid reasons.

but if its for play? i feel.. its not really valid. i feel, you choose to choose play and not me. makes me feel unimportant. makes me feel that ur friends are more important than me.


i dont like it when he goes out.. i dont like it when he leaves me alone.. i dont like it when he doesnt talk to me.. i dun like it when he sends me a cold sms..

is he right?.. is he loving somebody who had been faking herself so that they can be together to find out that she wasn't what she seem?..... or is he loving someone who restrict him to become another person?...

i admit.. i am pretty possessive in some sense.. and he's definitely some man who needs alot of freedom.

ic says.. he should be with me when i need him most.
if during other times he cant be with me, forgive him.

am i really forcing myself to do the things i dun like or accepting the things i dun like? and pretending that i could actually do it?
i dun wish to change myself for another person.. likewise, i dont wish another person to change for my sake.